really God? …again? …there’s more?
I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve said those words lately.
Sometimes I think God’s up there looking at me thinking-
haha! gotcha again…
There’s been a huge theme to the first 4 months of my Race.
And it has nothing to do with poverty I’ve seen
or the incredible people I’ve met
or the churches and contacts I’ve worked with.
Because to be completely honest with you-
ministry has no doubt been the easiest part!
It comes natural to me.
serving and loving people is what I signed up for…
Indeed ministry is good. So good.
But let me tell you what doesn’t come natural to me…DEATH.
When I signed up for this shindig I wasn’t really prepared to die.
And definitely not like this.
I’m learning every day it seems like,
that in order to get more of God
things just have to die.
And month one I was pretty cool with it.
My personal space has to die?
Fine.
Death to my type A tendencies?
Okie dokie.
You want me to talk about my feelings with my team?
Urgh. Okay.
But month two God decided to take it up a notch.
And I remember thinking either he or I must be crazy.
Surely I didn’t hear him right.
You want me to let go of my story?
Tell my team?
I’m sorry but I cant…err…won’t.
I don’t want them to know me like that.
It’s too ugly and messy.
Death to that, He said to me one day
as I hammered away at cement blocks in Haiti.
And then on the way out the door onto Romania
sneaky debrief happened.
And crazy God said-oh by the way…
that bitterness?
It needs to die.
And the anger needs to die.
the shame, the unforgiveness, the guilt,
Leah, it all just needs to die.
Urgh God…you’re killing me.
That’s the point My child…THATS the point.
I so desperately wanted to call it quits right there.
I did not come on this trip for all this.
Just let me do ministry please.
But God and I had a heart to heart
where I straight up told Him everything I felt.
And in that moment I realized
that what I wanted more than anything
was for someone to look me in the eyes
and tell me that its worth it.
Well…God is just good like that
and he knows my heart better than I do.
He answered my prayer
with a scribbled note on a scrap of paper.
Can you guess what it said?
Keep going sister.
It will be worth it.
So I left all my dead stuff in Haiti
and hopped on a plane to Romania
raw and exposed.
But here it gets good.
Month 3 in Romania changed SO much for me.
Because the first two months just felt like death. Literally.
God kept putting to death all these things…
but I really struggled with why?
Month 3 I got answers.
I started to hear Gods voice.
Or maybe I just started to recognize it over all the rest?
…I’m not really sure.
But I do know he had to put to death
all that crap first
because it was clogging my flow to Heaven.
Plumber God keeps doing his thing
and it stinks and its sucky. (ha)
But all of the sudden the flow opens up
and my prayers are being answered left and right.
I’m talking crazy prayers.
Impossible things.
Ramblings.
Bold things I didn’t really mean to pray
but felt like I should pray
He’s answering them.
Thinking about this still gives me goosebumps.
Its freaky.
Ah. There’s more.
I love and enjoy my teammates today
more than I ever thought possible two weeks ago
when every team changed except ours.
And that’s completely a result of some things in me-
like my expectations,
my preferences,
my frustrations over stupid little things,
my dream team,
getting put to
death.
And more-
I’m realizing how God has gifted me with a voice.
Not a singing voice.
But a life-speaking voice.
He puts words and truth on my heart like nobody’s business.
But I’ve always been scared to speak boldly.
Scared to offend
Scared to be the only one
Scared of what people think.
But I’m working on it 🙂
And of course
it requires more things to die!
My sarcasm (yikes)…it needs to die
My impatience, my pride, my negativity,
my independence and need to control things
And on and on and on.
Im in process with this one haha.
I’m starting to get the feeling that
God never intends to stop asking
things in me to die.
But I’m learning to be cool with that.
To push through and hang in there.
Because the end result is
always more Jesus.
