You know me
like…really know me
but more than anything,
You know my heart
Which is a really, really good thing these days
because a few months ago, you gave me a new one
and honestly Papa, I’m still adjusting
the flesh around it is still so tender and raw
and there are moments
when I can feel my body fighting
trying to reject its new heart-
claiming it can't be a match
But really I think my body is just tired
I mean, don’t get me wrong
I love my new heart
but there’s a few side effects
to this whole transplant thing
that you never mentioned
…or maybe I just wasn’t listening…
You see,
this new heart you gave me
is way bigger than my old one
and the stretching that it takes
to accommodate such a massive adjustment
is painful
and hard
and really uncomfortable
some days it feels like my heart
is literally invading my chest
and I can barely breathe
…will I ever fit into my new heart?
because right now it mostly just feels
oversized and awkward…
I was remembering this week
how hard my old heart was
and I thought about the walls
you know, the ones you sent
crashing to the ground at training?
but then I remembered that I had them up for a reason
…to keep my heart from breaking
Because now, Jesus,
not only does my new heart
feel oversized and awkward,
but its also starting to break
with every goodbye…
at stories of injustice…
when I'm listening to a stranger’s story…
at even a mention of the nations…
tears fall and I can feel the weight of it all
on my body
but especially on my heart
Yet even sitting here writing this
I can feel you whispering
deep down in my soul
speaking truth into lies
and opening my eyes
you're helping me realize
that maybe, just maybe-
You gave me this new heart
knowing all along
that it was your will
and to your glory
for it to be broken…
So instead of shutting it out
and running from the brokenness
I’m surrendering it to you
even if that means that you have to break it
I’m packing my backpack in joy
and in 4 days
I’ll hug my family and best friend goodbye
with the expectation and hope
that you really will use this crazy girl
to bring light into the darkness,
to feed the hungry,
heal the sick,
and hold the orphans
And to share my story
of healing
and freedom
and redeeming love
with your world
I think I'm starting to understand
that not all heartbreak is a bad thing
and that you actually
do some of your best work in brokenness
So break my heart
for what breaks yours
because me and my new heart
are ready to bring the Kingdom
let’s do this thing, Jesus.
"If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world,
then thank Him for breaking your heart." -Oswald Chambers
Adios till next time
from the Dominican Republic!
