There is one thing I’m counting on, on this trip and that is death.
Last week was the start and I can only expect that more is coming, and I welcome it. I recognize that it will be messy, I recognize that it will hurt enormously at times and I expect that I won’t always be willing, but I know the end result will be beautiful. Actually, strike that, the journey will be beautiful and the result will be radiance. I want to die to myself, I want to die to my desires, I want to die to my expectations, I want to die to my self-righteousness, I want to die to my people pleasing. I want to be a person who lives bent low, humble to an excruciating degree. A person who always puts others’ needs and wants before their own, a person who loves extravagantly in the face of resistance, and someone who is grace filled in every circumstance. Whew, that is a tall order and one that is a little scary to ask for if I was completely honest.
While I’m being honest, last week was possibly the toughest week of my life in almost every aspect that I can think of. I’ve done this type of thing before, jumping into the unknown with strangers, and before it’s always been pretty simple, things seemed to be fairly easy and friendships fell into place without much of a struggle. Cities became familiar to me in a matter of days and felt like home without much thought about it. I came into the WR training camp expecting the same experience and was completely surprised when I didn’t have an instant connection with those around me and felt uncomfortable more times than not. I’m not going to lie, there were many times that I thought to myself, “maybe I’m not supposed to be here” , but every time I thought that, the Lord would do something in my heart, he drew me closer to HIM and what he was saying. I went to new depths with the Lord last week, I got freedom from some old lies and burdens I’ve been carrying around for far too long, and the Lord renewed promises and gifts that he had previously spoken into my life. I know He is calling me into a deeper place with him and I am honored to be trusted with that, but it’s also scary. I feel like the training wheels are off, no more surface stuff, it’s time to dive deep to uncomfortable places, places that I’m not familiar with, and never have gone before. I feel Him calling me to stop living off of emotion and other’s reactions and look deeper and live in Truth. It’s time to learn what it really means to love and serve when it doesn’t feel natural, when it hurts a little. Last week I was seeking a comfortable place to serve, but God is asking me to serve in the uncomfortable. I hear Him ask, “Will you still follow my voice even when its uncomfortable?”. I honestly don’t know what that looks like, but His love compels me to answer, “Yes, Lord I will, help me follow, teach me how, show me how.”
This year I have the great privilege of living this great adventure with 6 other wonderful women who are each different and unique. I hope to learn from them and grow with them. I know life isn’t going to be easy all the time, but I know it will be worth it. God has a plan for each and every one of us on Team Rafa Warriors, and maybe it’s for the very reason that we are a little uncomfortable that God will be able to use us best. For this reason I hope to die on this trip, and I hope that Jesus comes shining through more and more as Leah shines through less and less. Love you all!
Here is a pic of my squad: “E squad”:
