I was twisting in pain when I got the news, laying in bed for the second debrief in a row. I pulled the grimace off my face the best I could and listened closely,
“Did you hear the good news? An anonymous donor called last night. You made the deadline!”
$4,000.
I remembered the morning I was officially accepted to go on the world race; I leaped out of bed and started screaming with excitement no one could contain.
So why, in that moment, laying in Nairobi on the edge of a deadline that decided the end of the race for me-was I disappointed to hear I could stay?
Expectations? Maybe.
I had come into the race full of adrenaline and amped about the intense spiritual experience I was about to have. I had a romantic view of abandon life and wanted nothing more than to be like Paul the disciple.
Then I learned that I was human.
I stepped foot out of my world and into the real world to suddenly have all control of my life yanked out from under me as if I was 6 months old again. I was misunderstood, but not allowed to be offended; fed spoiled food, but convicted to be grateful; dragged around town for hours like luggage, but expected not to complain an ounce.
Then it hit me somewhere in Kenya, I chose this.
I didn’t have a right to complain and I wasn’t entitled to anything. Yet, I didn’t want it. I wanted to undo what I had chosen seeing what it really was.
I wrestled with a patient God for weeks. He clearly wanted me to finish the race. He repeatedly spoke to me in various ways but I didn’t want to listen. When the financial means to stay came in miraculously at the last minute, I knew God had the last word.
Through all I’ve been through in my life I’ve never had a moment where I considered running away and leaving God behind. This was an ultimate low point for me. It came down to more than comfort verses sacrifice. It was the true testing of my faith; would I live out what I believed? Or walk away when it got too hard.
Jesus not only died for me, but He lived for me too. His word tells me exactly what I’m getting myself into by following Him. The thing is, I know that it’s worth it.
I felt myself sitting on a fence as if battle was raging all around me. I’m convinced there was a great spiritual battle happening in my midst. Good and evil fighting over my future. What the enemy didn’t know, was that I’ve already been won and paid for-my future sealed.
My squad leader prayed for me, held my hand and told me she wasn’t letting me go- she knew God wanted me to finish the race. Having a warrior of God’s, my sister by His name, pushed me over the right side of the fence and reminded me that I’m not supposed to be fighting alone. I felt relief and a weight lift.
It’s been a hard several weeks since that moment, and I wouldn’t want to relive the experience, but I am grateful for this: I got to choose the race, knowing what I was getting myself into. I got to show that my faith is real. I am finishing the race because He is worth it. I want to look back and give an account of my finishing the race when I’m asked for my testimony. I want to share the valuable things I’ve learned with my family that they might benefit from my journey. I want to stand before the LORD one day and smile and He tells me I have been faithful in finishing the race-not just the world race, but THE race.
So I end with a THANK YOU to each of you who has believed in me, and in God’s crazy big plans. Anonymous, I wouldn’t be here without you- Thank you for listening to God’s voice.
Leah
