Life on the race is full of suprises. One moment you could be sitting down to dinner relaxing after a long night and day of traveling and the next you're trying to figure out what is garnishing your soda; eyeballs? fish eggs? rare tropical fruit? I hope??
You've gotta be ready for anything in AIM culture. The problem is, there's nothing you can do to be ready for any of it. Sleeping on the ground in Africa with bugs all over you. Babysitting children while their mom's are working on the street corner in India. Praying against dark forces in a stranger's home in Moldova. None of it is normal.
I often feel if I could go back and do things over in life I would do a much better job the second time around because I've experienced it once. I learned this year that it's not God's priority for us to be good at life. It's his priority to prepare us for what's beyond this life. It's His priority to make us shine like the Son.
In light of this, I'd like to tell you how being on the World Race has shaped me into someone…more like who I was made to be. A more accurate version of myself. I could go on and on about what I've seen and heard, where I've been and what I've eaten. And I will. In time. But I think for both of us, there's something to gleam from the unseen ventures of the human heart.
I didn't come on the race to find myself, but in following Christ I feel like I've done just that. In Christ- if that's where my identity lies, then that's where I am-with I AM. Being one of the youngest on the squad most say to me it's a priviledge and a head start on the rest of my generation. I hope that's true. But it's also a little scary. What kind of plans does God have that He needed to give me a jump start like the race?
I don't know what those plans are yet, but I do know what He's stirring inside of me. My time in Ireland reminded me that I am a daughter of joy. I've been blessed with the gift of joy and my friends have spoken to me that people feed off of my enthusiam in a poweful way. I keep hearing from the members of my squad that my words have a big impact on the people around me- a sort of influence. It inspires me to, well, inspire people. If what I bring to a room of people is either going to cast a shadow or brighten their day than I want to be a light.
Some of the dreams I had for myself started to die in Ukraine. It was a good thing. I realized that I had spend a lot of time gathering dreams to keep myself afloat in the clouds when I hadn't experience enough reality to give them life. For one, I noticed in myself that I didn't like working with large groups of children, but I loved one on ones. So working at an orphanage crashed and burned. As the month went on and spilled over into Moldova I realized how much the USA felt like home. A life overseas began to join in the death march my dreams were taking. Again, it was good because it made space in me for the dreams that I'm meant to have. Over time a passion for America has kindled in my heart and I am so joyful just to have a passion for any place! A home in my heart.
As we continued on through Africa I struggled to live like a fish out of water. Feeling as if I was dying of thirst away from things that fed my spirit like dance and art I began to see some ugly truths surface in me as well. I was a slave to comfort. Grumpy whenever I was hungry or tired on 36hr travel days or long nights in bug infested corners. The lifestyle of inconsistency and disappointment lead me into depression. I had been riding my emotions like waves and couldn't manage to stay level-so I started to shut off. It was then that God started teaching me to live in the moment. You don't have time for expectations when you focus on the present. Plans don't make or break your day when you focus on the now. You are thankful for what you have because in that moment it's what you need. I've had many months to practice living out moments to the fullest and it's something I want to take into the rest of my life. Plans are good, God's plans are best, but plans means nothing if you don't know how to live today-because it will never be tomorrow. It is only today. And when that day comes we leave this earth; none of the plans we made or the things we had will be relevent.
In Asia I've experienced a sort of rebirth. I came out of Africa in a low point. I was wrecked and broken. It hurt. I wouldn't want to do it again. But as I've traveled through Asia God has been bringing me back: restoring me. And as I begin to experience anew things like loving contacts, minstry I love and chances to pursue favorite hobbies, I am coming alive again. Only this time, some of the old me is staying dead. I'm only just beginning to see that to live, you must die. That means old habits of living for yourself, for comfort and for the world have to end.
Now, a change of plans is nothing; but seven or eight changes? I can handle that. I might even sing a song or make jokes while I'm sitting in an empty bus lot at 1am waiting for nothing known. Sleeping on the floor? EVERY night? I can do that. And when I do get a bed, you can bet I'm grateful. I'm grateful for silverware, air conditioning, cold showers. I know when I come home I will fight not to lose that.
Passion. Having nothing so often on the race- what made me come alive stood out in bold to me. Dancing. Cooking. Teaching. Singing. Writing. CREATING. Sharing the gospel. Learning something new. These things began to imerge not only in my dreams but also from my past as I realized I am who I've always been. But spending so much time shifting my gaze between the mirror and the world took my eyes off focus of who made me the way I am. It's not what I do that defines me, but whose I am that defines who I am. And I was made to create and fill up spaces with art and appreciation of the little things. To inspire people. To encourage. I was made to be sunshine. I was made to be Sonshine. 🙂
Heading into the end of the race and a new beginning I am tempted to again focus on the future, and on what I should be doing. It's my challange now to live out the moments and focus on who I belong to rather than deeds and tomorrows. Plans will come and I am excited for them. Excited to face the things I've never seen before. I understand now that the point isn't to be good at life, but to grow and learn from each experience then to move on so we can grow and learn from new ones. That's what I've been doing on the race, and what I plan to do moving forward. That's enough planning for me. For now. 😉
Thank you to all of you for following my blog! My heart is to write to you every day, unfortunately circumstances limit me. So thank you for your patience! If you would like to be a part of the kingdom work happening with the world race you can support me financially through the link on the left side of my blog. ($2,360 left!) There are many other racers who are still in need of financial support as well. OR you could apply for the race yourself. 🙂
