"Though sorrow may last through the night, joy comes with the morning."
I sang these words to myself once sitting atop a cliff waiting to jump into a waterfall. I had just "canyoned" (repelled by rope) down the first one, and truly thought I was going to die. First time I ever waited for my life to flash before my eyes. I survived. Obviously. In fact, I even count it as one of the best memories of my life now. I held onto a promise of God's and it gave me the courage to make the next leap; which was more than worth it.
I kind of feel like that tonight. I posted a blog about my fundraising status just hours ago, so you have an idea of where I'm at. I am still waiting on God. I find myself held between past and future, as if the present is frozen. I am caught between what has lead me here, and where I will arrive next.
I don't know if it's the side effects from my yellow fever vaccine or just hours of focused prayer and gripping ahold of hope that have me feeling like I'm almost emptied of strength. Maybe that's where God wants me to be.
I have traveled far this week. Starting out with a tank full of hope I set off into the sunset. But as time went on I couldn't see where I was headed. God let my mirrors fog up. I was left waiting on the side of the road. Should I call for help? Try to get things going on my own? I thought I was doing everything I could. Or maybe I was the reason for the breakdown? But God kept shining light onto me. Like the hope that comes from shooting stars, He never let me believe I was alone or lost. So I held on.
Now I'm here. I'm all in. I don't care how many reasons I have to doubt, they cannot compare to the reasons I have to believe. If Jesus is exactly who He says He is, if I'm not insane, if everything I've experienced knowing Him is real, if anything is real: HE is worth it.
What…
What about all the people praying for me? I want this just as much for them as for me now..
What if you changed your mind?
What happens if I'm close, but I don't make it?
What if I can't go, what could I possibly do with my life?
What would it say about you?
What about the doubt, don't you want to prove it wrong?
What are you saying right now God?
This is it.
I will go to bed tonight in prayer. I will awake either:
With my wildest dream come true, that I even used the "never" word on, set to go into the world and live it out. To answer His calling. Surrender everything for His namesake. Experience joy and love and power never before known to me. Become a part of an ever increasing family that loves in an out of this world way. Live like a crazy person. Be on fire. Love unconditionally. See miracles. Experience miracles. No expectations but the presence of God himself.
OR…
?
I had to ask myself this.
For a long time the answer was much like, "My heart would break and I would mourn like someone died. I wouldn't eat, sleep, or shower. I would never be the same. Shattered."
Well that was pretty dramatic and a tad bit hopeless to say the least. But that's not the God I know.
I have resolved, that even though I cannot deny my heart would break and I would cry rivers, I would still praise God. Because He promised that He has a good plan for my future filled with hope. And my God can do great things. I have to trust Him. If not for me, for all of you. I cannot be the girl who felt sorry for herself, who wasted a still perfectly good story God wrote. I decide here and now that no matter the outcome God is still faithful, so I will be as well. God will use me. If His trust requires me going into places where I can't understand the purpose, then I just have to be reminded that His name is GOD for a reason.
So that's it. I've prayed. I've called. I've left messages. I've facebooked. I even gave my support letter to the nurse who gave me my vaccination today. Awkward. But that's okay. I can do awkward. I was homeschooled.
I haven't given it all I could have, but I tried my outmost. Each time I try I'll get better. I won't give up. God knows where I'm at, and I'm covered in His grace. So that's it.
People face circumstances much more trying than mine, so LORD I know that there's plenty of courage and strength to get me through this one.
That's all I have. For now. And finally, there's peace.
