Here I am in the Ukraine on what I consider the “home
stretch”. I am in my 9th month, so only 2 more months and then Sweet
Home Alabama J
We have all been encouraged to and are all attempting to maintain our presence
here. Yes we have questions about the future, yes we have to make some sort of
plans, and yes many have begun to pray about that. But still, it is very
important for us to be just as present these remaining months as we were the
first few months. Some days are easier to do that than others but for the most
part I haven’t struggled too much with future plans other than the typical
daydreaming. I, of course, wonder who will be at the airport or what food I’ll
eat first but as far as wondering about “what’s next” I don’t. This may or may
not be a good thing, but I’m not too worried about it. I know what I want to do
for the first few months at least and I have a peace about it as well as
support from my family upon my return. So…with all that said I do have some
lingering thoughts about my personal life once I am back.
I am finding myself at a weird place. It’s almost impossible
to put into words all the changes that have happened to me over these past 8
months and more to come, I know, these next 3. I am completely changed, never
to be the same again. God brought up so many things I have to deal with, none
of which I wanted to haha. There was so much junk in my life I had no idea. I
never questioned things. I never took the time to examine my own life. I was so
busy…well being busy. Trying to fill my life with the things I was “supposed to
do” and thinking that was enough but never really looking into my heart, my thoughts,
habits, actions, etc. From day one in Kenya, God began to open my eyes and work
on my heart. I never realized how complacent I was, how stagnant my spiritual
life was, and how many terrible habits I had. I thought my life was “under
control”. The problem was, it was under MY control! BIG PROBLEM J
That brings me to the subject of my blog. I thought it would
be good to just share where my heart is right now coming toward the end of the
race and it is a little…curious might be the best word. Curious as to how life
will be when I get back. Curious how life will inevitably be different when I
get back. What my spiritual walk will look like. How broken habits will affect
daily life. Life will look different because I am different, it has to be
different now. I have been so blessed with God’s mercy, to have these things
revealed to me but that means I am now responsible for the changes. I can never
go back to the way things were before. I don’t want to, but there are some
things about my past that I liked…thus, the problem.
One thing I used to have a terrible habit of doing was
running. I didn’t like confrontation and didn’t like dealing with things. And,
if I didn’t want to I simply wouldn’t. I could run away from problems or
people. But here…here you canNOT do that. So, I have spent the last 8 months
learning how to deal with things and letting people get close enough to me to
talk about stuff. It’s still a learning process but now when I go home I can’t
just check out when I want to check out…the growth comes from dealing with
things. Also, I was particular about people, when I wanted to be around people
and when I wanted to isolate myself. My emotions affected my interactions and
relationships…or better yet ruled them. I screened my phone and picked and
chose when and if I wanted to talk to people…friends, family, anybody. I
typically have always been a social butterfly but I had this ability to turn it
on and off in an instant. To throw walls up so fast if I didn’t want to let
people in. I definitely still struggle with this but it is something God has
revealed to me and I am in the process of walking out of. But when I go home I will
no longer be living in community with these people who love me and have
invested in helping me tear down walls for 8 months and so my fear is coming
into the rest of society J
and not having that community. I fear it will be even easier to throw up walls
or retreat but knowing that God has shown me this and is walking me out of it I
am responsible to continue striving to change. I also have been taught how to
live an intentional life. To be intentional in everything I do and in my
relationships. So when I get home, I am responsible to continue living with
intentionality.
But I was comfortable living the way I was and its hard
changing. But I know that ALL the things God has revealed to me and taught me have
to continue to be applied. It’s just a weird place to be thinking about
re-entry into the states and reality and applying the lifestyle I’ve become
accustomed to in country after country. Culture shock coming home will probably
be the most shocking since month 1 in Africa…and that was shocking! But I know
it’s going to be good and I’m excited to come home and introduce the knew me,
the knew Strong, Bold, Beautiful Woman of God that I know I am to my friends
and family; but its still hard to imagine how the old life and the new life
will collide! Should be fun…
Blessings from Ukraine…from Toby, Karianne, Me and Mercy 🙂
