BLOG: A Baby?!? I haven't blogged in a while but this one I'm really excited to share with you..although it may sound a little crazy. But here goes… So far, I've battled a lot of insecurity…I think the enemy has been using that to attack me in any and everything! And the frustrating part is that I feel like I could have stayed in Tuscaloosa to battle these issues and didn't need to come to Kenya to do that….but I'm starting to learn that clearly i wasn't dealing with them at home. One of my squad leaders, Sarah, was encouraging me that even though I feel like I'm here to impact other peoples lives and do all the things I "thought" I was coming here to do, that its okay that I need some time to work on me. And on top of that, God loves me and He even LIKES the person that I am right now, and I'm worth it to be brought to Kenya and to be worked on! So, I'm starting to realize that many of my insecurities come from a place of self-worth. I would have told you that I know who I am in Christ, that head-knowledge I can tell you my identity comes from Christ and tell you what that is…but obviously I'm missing something and that's what is causing the insecurities. There is a song by Rita Springer called "Worth it All" that I've heard a million times but has spoken to me in a completely new and CRAZY way. In the song it talks about all my joy, all my pain, everything is going to be worth it one day when I see the Lord's face..but when I listen to it now, I see a baby…my baby, a little girl that I might one day have. I know, crazy! Not only am I not at a place to want, anticipate, or am ready for a child and still the Lord has been showing me this picture of a baby girl. And I've had to ask myself, how will you one day tell your daughter her worth and how beautiful she is when you don't know it for yourself, and I realized I can't. As I wait for the man God has for me, I know I need to work out some of these insecurities because I don't want to take them into a relationship (down the road, whenever God's timing comes) but I will NOT carry that into motherhood. I see that baby and think: She's worth fighting for..she's worth walking through this hard time to really know my identity and worth in Christ so I can speak life into her and tell her hers. I also know that one day, when I walk through this I'll be able to say "I was worth it just to fight for" but I'm not there yet, so the Lord has given me a look into that heart of a mother, which I believe He's already placed inside me…to say she's worth it! And the coolest part of it is knowing how strongly I feel that way, not wanting a child, not desiring one anytime soon, completely content in my singleness waiting on God's timing for the next season of life and I can still feel so strongly for a child, and unborn child…I see a little look into how my mother loves me..how my dad loves me. Why they fight for me in the things they fight for me in….I am so thankful and beyond blessed for the parents I have and all the ways they have prayed poured pushed and led me in times when there heart hurt so much for me to be better, to feel better, to grow, to learn, to prosper, to seek the Lord….all the ways they knew what was best for me, and they fought for it…and they still fight for me…because to them I'm worth it. Thanks mom and dad for never giving me a reason to question my worth even when I couldn't see it…and for still fighting for me! One day I'll understand, but it's an amazing place God has me now just barely shining a little light on it, and I feel it so strongly….I know you feel it that much more! And then on top of that I'm getting an even smaller glimpse into how the Lord sees me and how worth it I am to Him! It's so amazing, and I say my unborn childs worth fighting for my worth…but God sees me and says I'm worth fighting for my worth. Blessings from Uganda… (from my tent 50 feet away from the Nile on a cliff overlooking…yep that's my life right now!!!!!!!! I AM BLESSED)
