This was written at the beginnin of my month as we were traveling into Swaziland.
As I sit here in a van winding through the mountains between South Africa and Swaziland with my teammates singing and dancing to each song playing through the stereo system I sit in turmoil. The winding mountains make me feel like I’m back home driving my own car through the mountain passes of Idaho into Montana, the breath taking views still through me into an awe. Truly there is nothing else like it in the world.
Nothing Is more beautiful, more breath taking, nothing more relaxing and bigger than winding my way in a tiny car on the path that cuts through those trees. That is what gives me a such complete faith that the Lord is real, that without a doubt he created me for big things. There is nothing that my heart desires more than to be among that beauty. That beauty helped me grow in confidence as I taught kids and counseled them through a week of their lives, just a blip of time in lives that our father has carved out. As I grew on fire and started a desire to choose what to pursue.
But as I sit here I must confess I am in completely torn, torn because as much as it is a blessing to see these things and feel some of that confidence renewed, it makes me ache for home. I ache for normalcy, to be around those who I know well, and love deeply. To be playing in the snow that I m sure by now if I was back home I would be complaining about it and the cold. I ache for Missoula, to just already have a job, to be slightly more settled.
But through the turmoil I know I am called right here, right now and no where else. That here in this moment as much as I may want to be home, I would choose to be no where else seeing Gods creation.
As I sit in my turmoil I start to think on that fact that we are entering month seven. Month 7 when did that happen? How? Some days it still feels like this is happening for a short while, but looking back the Philippines feels like forever ago. I can not believe that we have made it over the hump. Some days it feels like we have been gone forever while others it feels like we barely left.
The thoughts of my teammates are beginning to nervously mention and laugh about “re-entry” many of still having no idea what is coming next. Digging in trying to keep from going on cruise control because this has become normal life and it would be easy to shrink back and just do ministry without pushing in more.
But the fact remains, no matter where we are, whether on the race or back home we all struggle with the ache to be somewhere, sometimes pursuing other dreams, or moving into cruise control. We struggle with getting comfortable where we are at and who we talk to, with pushing ourselves to dig deeper l, to pursue.
No two people’s paths are exactly the same, they may share much in common, but what brings us together is a willingness to share those stories, those stories that allow someone else in, that tell us we are not alone.
