Where are the people who know me; who already know my heart, my moods,
and my passions and why do I hold back from allowing new people to learn? Why does the excitement and restless stirring
in my soul dance behind my eyes, but become a jumbled confusion of mismatched
words on my lips? If some people can
wear their heart on their sleeve, maybe I can write my heart on mine and make
it a little easier to read.
I went to church on Sunday.
Doesn’t seem like a big deal to announce, but in moving to a new place
it is a pretty big deal. Just “randomly”
picking a church from a handful that are within walking distance, then showing
up (alone) not knowing what to expect – it can be intimidating…sadly.
Other Racers may be able to identify with this next comment,
but going to church is more challenging post World Race. Are my expectations or standards too
high? Do I expect too much from a church
to actually be the Church; to live by the Spirit, to pray in expectancy, to
live among the people and to be Christ on earth? Or is it that I go now expecting the church
not to be the Church? Which is worse? I miss the community of this past year and the
fellowship of believers who were figuring out how to be the Body using our
differences as our strengths.
I started thinking about expectations and how on the Race we
were told to go into the year expecting things to be different than what we
expected. It is a smoother
mental/emotional transition when you are not set on a specific way things
should play out; when you give up the control of your mind to the reality of
your experience.
What about life now?
How do expectations fit when thinking about church, work, friends, love
and life? There must be a balance of
healthy expectations and open flexibility.
I can expect the church to be how God intended, but will I give grace
when it is not? I could expect a job to fuel
my passions, but how will I respond if it becomes an indicator of where these
passions are not? Or maybe I should expect my passions to fuel my job… hmm. I expect friends to still be there, but I
realize that time changes relationships and creates new ones. I expect love to drive my actions, or maybe
this is a hope, and I expect to be loved, but will my world crumble if the
feeling is ever returned void? I expect
life to be an astounding reminder of my Creator; lived in obedient adoration –
and this I believe is a choice, so why do I settle for less?
So, once again, I went to church on Sunday and I’m not sure
what I expected, but honestly I was pleasantly surprised. I saw a pastor who believed in a Spirit led
service and opened a time for anyone receiving a word from God to share. I saw missions all over the walls of the
church and in the words of the people. I
saw wisdom of the delicate balance of going somewhere because you want to tell
people about Jesus versus going in obedience to where God is calling. I saw opportunities for outreach to the local
homeless and feeding of the hungry. And
I even had a couple people come up and talk to me since I looked like a new
face in the crowd. Why am I surprised
and why do I fear that these first impressions are only a tease to my soul? Is it based on a fear that I will feel
foolish if my hopes are proved vain? It
is a delicate balance between an enlightened hope of what is to come and
non-passive acceptance of what actually is.
“That we accept the
world as it is does not in any sense weaken our desire to change it into what
we believe it should be – it is necessary to begin where the world is if we are
going to change it to what we think it should be.” – Saul Alinsky, Rules for Radicals
