Sitting on the rooftop of and Ecuadorian hostel with clothes blowing in the wind on a clothesline, I begin to have a conversation with my squad leader about the past month. As I sit there with the sun beating down on my back, he begins to ask me some questions, the one that sticks out is “do you think you are enough?” I wanted so badly to give the “right answer” which would have been “yes” but then I would be lying so, I answered “no”.
During training camp I lost my voice and was so incredibly frustrated because it was a time I really felt that I needed my voice and felt as though I was robbed of my right to speak. Then, again at launch, I lost my voice and was frustrated even more because I felt as though I needed it then too and felt like I was being robbed of my right to speak once again. Well, I was being robbed. The enemy was taking control and was digging into one of my biggest struggles and insecurities. He was encouraging me in the fact that my words were not good enough, that I was not good enough, and that I didn’t have a right to speak. I believed all of that and have now been walking in that big, fat, lie.
I have now found it natural for myself to just sit back and listen instead of speaking up or to be a follower instead of a leader. I would rather everyone else be happy than to speak up for myself and be real about how I am feeling. Man, have I believed a lot of lies these past couple of months. The enemy has really gotten a hold of the things I struggle with this month because, in this case, I have been feeling like maybe the Lord was telling me that I need to stay silent so I could hear Him more clearly. Nope, that is a load of crap. This whole time He has been wanting me to speak up and I have been sitting here giving Him the silent treatment when really, the one who should be getting the silent treatment is the enemy because he has no place in this life of mine.
I have begun to realize how I view myself. I see myself as weak, not worthy, not good enough, inadequate, and that my words are not important. I don’t want to be those things. I want to be strong, I want to feel worthy and good enough, I want to feel adequate and I don’t want to stay silent anymore. I need to seek the Lord’s truth and believe the truths that others speak into me. How can I still see those things when I know that I am made in the perfect image of Christ? I have to really believe it and walk in it.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful…” Psalm 139:14
Although this stuff is hard, it is worth it because I have this calling on my life to expand the Kingdom and seek after what God has. This is the world race y’all and it is not easy but man is it worth it.
