Over the past few months I have felt as though something was missing. I was not content with where I was and I was looking for something more and I was unsure of what it was. There have been some events that may have lead to this feeling and I realized that I was shutting off. The unhappiness and discontent I was feeling was because I was shutting off all I had.
I am most known for being loving, sensitive, compassionate, kind and all things “soft”. I have found my identity in those things and not always in a positive light (reference my blog Cow Manure). However, for some reason I shut all of those things off after we were put on new teams before we made our way to Nepal. I still wanted to care for people but it was not necessarily out of my nature of being a nurturer but to make myself look good. It was not until about 7 days ago that I had a realization and about 5 days ago that I was set free.
My team and I went to a village about one and a half hours outside of Phnom Penh. We had no idea what it was going to look like or what we were actually going to be doing other than starting the construction of a church.
Upon arrival, we were swarmed with children. I was unsure about this. I love kids, I am known to love kids but over the past few months I have found myself distant from them. Over the course of the previous two weeks, we have gone to the railroad tracks to do arts and crafts and teach a bit of English to the children that live along side them. The first time we were there, I saw a little naked baby with a runny nose. My first thought was to stay away because I didn’t want to get sick. That , to me seems so insensitive and so unlike me. The Lord then chimed in and said “ hold him” I hesitated, I still didn’t want to get sick. Again, “hold him” the Lord said “I never stayed away from those who were sick, in fact I healed them and loved them”! Well, that was a kick in the butt, so I held him and I prayed for him. The next Saturday there was another little boy who I had to hold. Something shifted in me and I had gained my love back. As soon as I saw this little boy, I grabbed him from the mother and held him until it was time to go. I was free, free from whatever was holding me back. I am still unsure of that but that’s okay because I’m free.
So, back to the village. I was warmed by the swarm of the children and I was able to walk out my freedom. Children approached me and I even had one that after he met us he stayed. He went home for bed and was back at sunrise for breakfast. His name was Da and he ate every meal with us for the next three days. I taught him “I love you” with hand motions and he said it multiple times a day. I really do love this kid. As we had depart and said goodbye, I realized my freedom even more. I was officially set free in the village because I was able to love well again.
These are pictures of the children that the Lord used to set me free!
Top: The little boy with a fever Middle: Henry Bottom: Kakada “Da” (means July in English)
Photo Cred: Eva Cranford
