I am 23 days away from launch and less than a month away from leaving my family, my career, my friends and my comfort zone. It seems like each day it gets more and more difficult. Sometimes I am full of confidence and I’m like, “Ok I got this.” Other days I randomly bust out crying and ask myself, “what I have gotten myself into?” So yeah, its honestly a roller coaster of emotions.
I read a blog post by a fellow teammate that truly inspired me. It motivated me to take a step back and ask myself, ok what does God say about my fears for next year?
So after a weekend of purposely avoiding addressing these fears, I woke up yesterday and spent my morning just being in the word. I wrote down these fears and listened to God as He directed me to scripture and through that He spoke words of truth to me.
Here lately I have been struggling with not feeling “worthy” enough or “equipped” to serve God. If you have heard my testimony, you know I am far from perfect. In fact I am ashamed of my past. There are still things to this day that haunt me. But you know what truth the Lord said to me today: he said not feeling “called” or feeling worthy enough to serve is one of the enemy’s biggest tactics to keep us from surrendering to God’s plan for our lives. And Shame? Shame, hinders us. It holds us back. If you are like me, then you know that sometimes we harbor shame. But my God has redeemed me. He has told me to stop hanging my head down in shame and walk in FREEDOM.
But Lord I have a sinful past, how can I be worthy enough to serve you?
Scripture says:
“Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions, according to thy mercy, remember thou me for goodness sake, O lord.” – Ps. 25: 7 – God does not dwell on our sins and does not want us to dwell on them as well. In fact he tells us to forget our past. “Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. BEHOLD, I will do a NEW thing.” – Isaiah 43: 19. God does not look at us and see us for our sin, He sees us as His own- we are blameless in His eyes. And yes He very well knows ALL of our thoughts and our sins, even before we think or commit them- “ Thou knowest my downsitting and my uprising and thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou art acquainted with all my ways,” (ps. 139: 2-3). But HEY newsflash, we are not forever bound to these sins. “Fear not, for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name and thou art MINE,” (Isaiah 43: 1). God has forgiven us. We are FREE from sin. He removed sin from having any hold on us when He died on the cross.
God says: Laurie , enough! Stop living in shame. You are forgiven. Stop telling yourself you are not worthy enough to serve me.
You are myworkmanship– “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works,” (Eph. 2:10).
You are CHOSEN (“He hath chosen us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love,” Eph. 3: 4).
You are wonderfully made (Ps. 139: 13-14) and I have Chosen you to do good work “I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit,” (John 15:16).
Now my daughter, stop living in your past and move forward, we have work to do. “But this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind me and reaching forward unto those things which are before me. I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 3:13-14)
When God calls us to do something bigger, we question our ability. Moses himself questioned God calling him to deliver the children of Israel…
I am a nobody God. Why me? Why do you call me to the world race? Even Moses said – “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egpyt?” (Exodus 3:11)
God says – “I will be with you, it is I who have sent you.”(Exodus 3:12)
But God what if they don’t believe me? I am not gifted enough to do this God. “Lord I am not eloquent with words” (Exodus 4:10) I don’t know what I will say. How are they suppose to believe me when I don’t always know what to say?
God says – “I will be with you and I will teach you what to say.” (Exodus 4: 12) “I will be your mouth, and I will teach you what to do.” (Exodus 4:15).
Ok Lord, but what if I forget what to say. What if I lose my words? Or what if I can’t find the words to say?
God says- “Take no thought on how or what you will say, for it shall be given unto you. For it is not you that will speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you.” (Matthew 10: 19-20)
God says, I will intercede for you : “the Spirit maketh intercession for us.” (Romans 8:26)
Lord I am afraid.
Scripture says:
“You are my hiding place, you will preserve me from trouble.” -Ps. 32:7
“When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I will not fear what man can do to me.” –Ps. 56:3-4
“The Lord is the strength of my life, whom shall I be afraid?” -Ps. 27:1
Lord I am fearful.
“For we have not been given the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind.” (2 Tim. 1: 7)
Lord I need help.
“I will lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” (Ps. 121: 1-2)
“God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved, God shall help her.” (Ps. 46: 5)
Lord I am weak.
“The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.” (Ps. 28:7)
Lord what if these places are dangerous, how will you protect me?
“The Lord is on my side, I will not fear what man can do to me.” (Ps. 118:6)
“Thou art my shield.” – Ps. 119: 114
“Put on the armor of God.” (Eph. 6: 10-17)
“When thou passest through the waters I will be with thee, and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee, when thou walkest through fire, thou shalt not be burned.” (Isaiah 43:2)
Lord I feel alone.
“As I was with Moses, so I will I be with thee. I will not fail thee, nor will I forsake thee. Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and courageous; be not afraid, for the Lord thy God is with thee wherever thou goest.” (Joshua 1: 5, 9)
“Nothing, not even death itself will separate you from me.” (Romans 8: 38-39)
Lord I am anxious.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4: 6-7)
“When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” (Ps. 61:2) – one of my favorites.
Lord what will I drink? What will I eat? Where will I sleep? What will I wear?
“I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, he who believes in me will never go thirsty.” (John 6: 35)
“My God will supply all your needs.” (Phil. 4:19)
“When the poor seek water and there is none, I will hear them. I will make rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of valleys.” (Isaiah 41:17-18)
Lord how am I suppose to pack for 11 months into one backpack? What should I bring?
“Provide neither nor gold, nor silver in your purses. Nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes.” (Matt. 10:9-10) – Do not worry what you will bring, in fact don’t bring hardly anything, I WILL PROVIDE for you.
Lord what if I get sick?
I am the great physician. (examples of healing in the bible–Luke 5:13, John 11:43, Luke 7: 36, 8: 43-48)
Lord what about my job? What about a successful career? What about marriage? Will I ever have a family of my own? Will I be missing out on these things?
“Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you.” -Matt 6: 33
“For we know that all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8: 28)
What if I have no money or income?
“He hath filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he sent away empty.” (Luke 1:53)
Lord what if I am not successful in society’s eyes?
“Set your affections on things above, not on things of the earth.” (Col. 3:1)
“Be not conformed to this world.” (Romans 12:2)
“But many that are first shall be last and the last shall be first.” (Matt. 19:30)
Lord what if I die?
“O death , where is thy sting? O grave where is thy victory? Thanks be to God, who giveth us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!” – 1 Cor. 15:55
“For me to live is Christ, and to die is to gain.” – Phil. 1:21
”He that findeth his life shall lose it, and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” Matt 10:10
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For though art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou prepares a table for me in the presence of my enemies. My cup runneth over. Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” -Ps. 23:4-6
And lastly, Lord what do you want from me?
“Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season, reproved, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine. Endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of thy ministry. Be ready to be offered, the time of your departure is at hand. Fight the good fight and finish your race, and keep your faith.” (2nd Tim. 4: 2, 5-7).
Just trust me.
– God
