I knew the race wouldn’t be easy , if it was everyone would do it.
But I will say it’s been more challenging than I ever thought it would be.
Vulnerability moment :
Some days I wake up excited and absolutely love being a missionary (still getting used to calling myself that ).
Other days I wake up annoyed , apathetic and exhausted .
Some days my mind is completely consumed with thoughts of the future and of “what’s next ?”
Some moments I can’t wait to come home , dreaming of the day I get to drive down our gravel driveway again , seeing the faces of all the ones I love and then sometimes the thought of coming home terrifies me.
It’s scary actually.
A LOT has happened this year— I haven’t shared a whole lot personally only because I am still comprehending it all.
The thought more frequently on my mind is, someone asking me ,”how was your year ,” how will I ever be able to explain it to them? Will they understand ? Will they even care ?
What will I share and what will I keep to myself ?
Spiritually and mentally this has been the most challenging year for me yet.
It’s a daily battle of waking up and renewing my mind.
Will I choose joy today ? Will I lay down my selfish desires to love others ? Will I choose ministry today? Will I choose Jesus today?
Really though , it’s more than a choice .
It’s a lifestyle of being utterly devoted to Jesus and what he has called me to do this year.
Only because I love challenging myself and too stubborn to admit when something is a lot even for me, I’ve tried to talk myself out of this thought a lot this year : “oh it’s not that hard,” but really it’s far from easy , I’ll say that .
I plan on sharing some more things with you all after I’ve sat with it more and feel ready to share some things the Lord has revealed to me this year but first I want to share this with you.
Uganda , month 7. It was an amazing month. As most of you know (if you read my blogs and watched my videos ) we stayed on a farm that month and lived in huts. It was simple and I loved it. I befriended some of the most beautiful souls and loved on lots of babies , having 3 or more all over me and enjoyed every moment of it.
The Lord taught me a lot about being intentional with relationships with the women there.
How to see him in every detail , the big things and the small things. Whether it’s a conversation , sitting with someone for hours even when you can barely communicate with them, offering yourself (your presence ) , the beauty of bonding over preparing meal, trying to worship and connect with Him during a loud African church service that’s not in English – you’d be surprised at how we can connect with Jesus in the unknown , the uncomfortable, the small things and the big things . It’s honestly crazy how small my perspective on things concerning my relationship with Jesus was before this year.
But anyways that month was probably all around my favorite .
I thrived.
My hardest goodbye yet.
However , going into Kenya (month 8) I was excited to go back to the country where the Lord called me to long term missions.
I had plans on seeing my good friend Faith who I worked with at the hospital in kapsowar in 2017 (unfortunately we never got to meet up).
Our team this month was also partnering with YWAM, a christian/ discipleship organization with bases all over the world .
This made me even more excited because I met former YWAMers this past year and had been asking the Lord if YWAM was the next step for me.
So yes , lots of things to look forward to going into that month.
When we got to the YWAM base our teams ran into a few unexpected things .
YWAM was also hosting a medical team the first week we were there so unfortunately they didn’t have enough lodging for our teams and informed us we were sleeping in our tents !
Luckily I didn’t drop my tent so I was prepared .
We ran into some other miscommunications with finances and food , etc .
Worldracers are what some would call “the hippie missionaries,” we eat whatever and sleep wherever and literally do whatever as far as ministry goes.
And you never know what to expect in Africa.
I was excited to be working with the medical team. After we arrived I found out they were only doing vision clinics so as an ER nurse I was kind of disappointed but also appreciative to work with an amazing medical team. They saw hundreds of people that week and showed them Jesus’s love through their smiles , and providing care to the Kenyans and it was cool to be a part of their ministry.
This medical team was there for 2 weeks . They were excited and full of energy. Going into month 8, some of us were sick , exhausted , and beginning to lose our drive.
At first I thought wow what’s wrong with me? Why don’t I have the desire or energy to carry on a conversation with them? Why don’t I have their enthusiasm and energy? Why am I finding it hard to enjoy worshipping ? Why can’t I find it in me to pray anymore ?
Why is this not as fun anymore ?
Why do I feel “in the way,” when I am helping them?
And I challenged myself with these questions:
What does it mean to be a missionary ?
And is this what it is suppose to look like ?
During this midst of this after the first week of working with that medical team , my friend and teammate Shondra got very sick.
We spent our first off day all day at a clinic.
I remember sitting there trying to comfort her. She physically felt terrible and was missing home . We cried together and I did my best to comfort her.
I left her just for a second to call my mom and wished her a happy birthday – mom you don’t know this , but this was the first time I got homesick.
I stood in the hallway of the hospital and cried for a moment. Just enough to get it out of me , since it had been bottled up for some time.
After a long day, Shondra and I headed back to the base . She was diagnosed with typhoid , and to our surprise , negative for malaria. Overnight Shondra got worse . So we went back to the clinic the next day , as planned because she had to get more IV antibiotics. I believe the Lord needed me there to advocate for her to make sure the doctor treated her appropriately.
I felt so bad for her. My heart ached for her. I could tell she felt terrible , and all I wanted was to help her get better. I tried to advocate for more but the doctor told us to come back again tomorrow for more antibiotics.
Once we got back to the base , Shondra kept running a high fever (102 F). We made the decision to go to Nairobi (almost an hour away) to a better hospital where she could be treated appropriately.
I will never forget the drive there.
We got stuck in traffic and an hour drive ended up being almost 3 hours.
On the way there Shondra slept in my lap. I kept checking on her often to make sure she was ok (since she was still running a very high fever despite having taken Tylenol).
That whole drive I talked to the Lord.
I prayed for Him to send a good doctor to us, someone who would help us, I prayed for him to heal Shondra and take care of her.
I prayed for him to help me be strong for her and help me , help her.
And I cried.
At once everything hit me like a train.
Like everything that I had felt this year all at once.
The mental , spiritual, physical exhaustion.
Being scared for my friend’s health. The unknown of what could possibly be wrong.
And then the reoccurring thoughts of questioning of why am I here ? What does being a missionary really look like?
Is this what I wanted ?
Why am I so tired Lord?
And then I cried some more.
Because in the midst of all of this —
The words I kept hearing were , “ even then , you are still good.”
When I am confused , doubtful , scared , tired , exhausted , questioning a lot – HE IS STILL GOOD.
I reminisced on the memories I’ve had this year.
The faces of the beautiful souls I’ve met.
The places I’ve seen , that have literally taken my breath away.
The friends I’ve made this year and how thankful I am to not have to do this alone.
I thought about how since the beginning at training camp Shondra and I shared something special.
We spent almost every night together in my tent , even then talking about things we couldn’t share with people we’d known our whole life.
I knew that God would help us.
We arrived to the ER , had an amazing doctor , and around 2 am we arrived to her room upstairs. Prior to going , the nurse told me I couldn’t stay the night with her — I was very frank when I told that nurse ,”I’m not leaving her,” and refused to leave. So I stayed.
Shondra was diagnosed with malaria and typhoid and after 2 weeks of her being hospitalized, she was finally discharged.
During those 2 weeks I realized how much I truly love her.
It took our friendship to a whole other level.
I even told one of the nurses , “we are all each other has right now.”
It’s amazing how the Lord can take something bad and scary and show you His beauty through it.
I would never wish Shondra to have ever been that sick but I will say that the Lord brought us even closer through her sickness.
My ministry the first two weeks in Kenya : it was her.
And I wouldn’t trade those 2 weeks for anything.
2 weeks in Nairobi -I had ample time to think and it’s easy to let your mind wander away especially when you’re a dreamer like myself.
Thoughts of the future pressed on me hard.
Up to this point I hadn’t really thought about it.
I was at the point where I was contemplating if being a missionary was even something I wanted to pursue after this.
I also thought , how could I ever possibly go back to life after doing all of this?
How hard will the transition be ?
Will I be able to relate to people back home ?
I know it may be hard for you to understand this but I’ve thought about this a lot and these thoughts are not over exaggerated – these are real and raw and there are things that I’ve felt , seen and experienced this year that I’m not even sure my own parents (the ones I’m most close to) could understand.
During all of this I was struggling to hear God’s voice and my mind was simply all over the place.
When we got back to Athi River , I was mentally preparing myself for our last week of ministry in Kenya.
When I found out we were doing VBS again, I was honestly not excited about it especially because we’ve done kids ministry every month.
The Lord reminded me that I love kiddos , and He has placed a new passion inside of my heart this year … kids ministry haha.
The very first day , the sweetest , cutest, 7 year old latched onto me.
And I loved it.
The next morning I was sipping on my coffee and she came around the corner and tackled me with the biggest hug.
I could’ve cried.
She made me smile and gave me so much happiness that week.
Ironically her name is Joy.
Now isn’t that something ?
I see you Jesus.
And on the third day of VBS, she accepted Jesus.
You know , it’s amazing how much impact a child can have on you.
How one little girl could remind me of why I said yes to the race.
Of why I said yes to loving others , even when I’m tired and exhausted.
Of why I choose to get up every morning and give it my all every day of this – even when I would rather stay in bed.
How one precious little girl , could bring my spirits back up and show me that there is something beyond being a missionary.
That it’s not about me getting caught up in , what am I doing , who am I helping , am I even helping , am I doing anything at all — no , this little girl , this sweet , beautiful child of God , she reminded me that God is always working , always behind the scenes working in hearts, orchestrating divine meetings and moments and that love — simply loving , even if its 3 days of only knowing and loving a little girl – yes he’s most definitely in that too.
And that also “ministry” for one is limitless.
It has no boundaries, no numbers , no time slots , it’s always there —
It may be …
Leading a little girl to Christ on a rooftop in Colombia .
Or seeing youth kids in Ecuador realizing their worth and identity in Christ.
Or sitting on a college campus in Peru talking to young adults about Jesus.
It may be loving on all the girls from the girls home in India and praying over a woman in the slums of Nepal.
It is also having a cool conversation with a couple you just met at coffee shop in Nepal about God , Jesus and what it means to be a Christian.
Ministry is also befriending your cook in Rwanda , who barely speaks English , sharing only a few words with each other yet still able to form a sweet friendship with each other despite the language barrier.
And honestly a lot of my ministry in Rwanda involved gaining 3 new brothers and loving them as if they were biologically my brothers.
Ministry in Uganda looked like worshiping and laughing with women and becoming their friend.
And ministry in Kenya was spending two weeks with your friend in the hospital …
So yeah basically ,
Ministry is life and your life is your ministry.
I’ve learned that saying yes to missions abroad has not been easy.
I have to still constantly renew my mind every morning .
These 9 months have been some of the more challenging times of my life but man it’s been incredible.
I think about how easy it would’ve been for me to stay at home , caught up in the complacency of my life there.
This year has broaden my horizons for sure.
The Lord has shown me parts of His heart I never recognized before.
I’ve embraced different cultures and gained new perspectives on life and God.
I have been challenged in the most beautiful way.
I’ve realized that my life will be my ministry no matter where I go after this or what I will be doing.
And though I am still uncertain of my future , and often wishing I could stop time , I am excited for the future , whatever it entails.
I know that God isn’t no where done with me yet.
It’s only the beginning.
