Luke 11:9
“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
My time in South Africa has been the most growing period during my race. I was praying most nights to have God show me where I needed to make my sacrifices, what was wrong in my heart, and what I was still holding onto that was stopping me from going deeper and have more of an intimate relationship with him.
Now, knowing what that actually means and how God would use that opportunity to allow different challenges to point out what was wrong in my heart… I don’t know if I will be praying that prayer for quite sometime! 🙂
It was HARD.
Okay, but it was worth it… obviously! 🙂
God showed me a lot of hurts that I was still facing that was holding me back from loving him and others full heartedly. My insecurities was His focus.
Throughout my life I have gone through friend changes, betrayals, hurts, let downs, and feeling unwanted (as most people do). This being said, all these things that has gone on in my life had been affecting a lot of my relationships and had me building a wall, to protect myself from these things happening again. Especially living in community 24/7 it was getting hard. I was still struggling with my “new” team changes from Cambodia, and I was already feeling like I didn’t belong and that I wasn’t wanted by my new team mates, which helped made my wall get higher and stronger, not wanting anyone to hurt me anymore.
Even though I knew these feeling weren’t from God I was starting to listen to those lies as if they were truth, and I was not letting any other opinion enter my head. Entering South Africa my walls were so high I wasn’t talking, to anyone. And you know me, (or you don’t) that’s NOT me. I am usually the one doing crazy things, making people laugh, and always talking.
But I wasn’t myself, I couldn’t let myself be myself. I was so scared of what people were thinking of me, that I could possibly say something that wouldn’t be perceived correctly and people wouldn’t like me. So being quite was better.
This was causing a wedge in my relationships with everyone, including God. I was very distant and everyone knew it, but no one knew what to do. Every little thing that I could over analyze, I did.
I didn’t like where I was, I was hurting, and exhausted.
I started to say to myself, “who cares if people don’t like you, that doesn’t determine your worth.” (yeah, I started doubting my self worth too) So I started to come out of my shell a little more, I started putting myself out there. But my walls were never let down. I was still terrified and I still over analyzed everything.
Then My Lies Were Confirmed.
or so I thought.
There was a night that I wanted to hang out with some of the people from our house, but I was asked not to go. All these Lies in my head were telling me that I screwed up for trying to hangout more, and that it was TRUE, I wasn’t liked, and no one wanted to hang out with me.
I was heart broken.
All I wanted to do was go back to being in my own little safe place, where I couldn’t let anyone hurt me, where I knew I could stay for the whole race, if I had to.
I was in my room bawling my eyes out. I talked to Katie and was very open about how I was feeling. She helped me so much just being there to listen and comfort me. But when she had left I was all alone and I was collapsed and just asking God why this is happening the way it’s happening.
But then I started thanking him, I didn’t actually know why I was doing this, but I was just thanking him for everything. When I was doing that I realized what He had done. He showed me what was stopping me from trusting Him because of what others had done to me in the past.
Then I apologized and asked him to break down my walls and help me become more dependent on Him whenever I am feeling unworthy, just because of what someone else think. I surrendered my insecurities at his feet and worshiped him.
Now what happened the rest of that night? Well the people who had went out and had asked for me to stay back came and apologized. It was so freeing for everyone I believe, but especially me, because I knew I didn’t need to go back into my place of hiding behind all the walls. Forgiveness was easy, no one wanted to be trapped of what happened that night.
The very next day till even now I have been able to be myself 100%. You can ask anyone (no really do it) I was a full 180 turn around and I am so much happier and freer. I am so happy God taught me that lesson- maybe next time not so hard, but really Ill lay it all down for him and do it 1000 times more, if that means I can become closer to serving our Lord.
Life is good, God is good.
Stay weird,
Laurie xx
