Dear God,
I’ve never written you a letter, this is a first. I’ve said prayers inside my head, spoken them out loud, and written them in my journal. But a letter? Never. As I was journaling tonight I realized this is the perfect way to talk to you. Writing is how I best express myself. And you already wrote me a letter-a really long love letter. The Bible. It’s about time I write one in return.
As I sit here curled up in my book nook, surrounded by cozy pillows, and wearing my favorite sweatshirt, I look out the window. I stop and be still for a moment, and in that moment I see you. The light is fading from the grey-blue sky, the wind is singing your praises, and the trees are dancing in your joy. I take it all in and my heart is filled with warmth. I am in awe at your presence. I put my hand to the window to feel you close, as if yours is on the other side. It’s cold-not the bitter cold that takes your breath away on a winter morning, but the kind of cold that feels invigorating-the chilly fall air that tells you changes are coming. I smile again as I let your spirit show me that you are near.
Two short weeks ago I had never experienced you in this way. My heart was so guarded that I wouldn’t even let you in. I walked into training camp completely oblivious to what you were about to do. In one of the very first messages the speaker said, “Stop trying to love God until you that know He loves you.” I kept asking “How?” I had knowledge that you loved me, I thought I understood, but it hadn’t made the 12 inches from my head to my heart.
We both know I’ve always been Type A. I need a goal, a plan, and a to-do list. It only made sense to me that your love would fit into that framework. On a cool fall night, in the middle of Georgia, everything changed. We had listened to messages all day about your love and I could feel something stirring inside me. I tried to ignore it-I can be pretty good about pushing down emotions that I don’t want to feel, until I can’t anymore. That night during worship we were asked to open our hearts. I closed my eyes, opened my hands, and finally surrendered. Tears streamed down my face as I truly felt your love for the first time in my life.
As I poured out and let your love wash over me, the arms of people who had already become me family surrounded me. That’s when I realized that your love isn’t felt directly, you send it through people, places, and circumstances. It can be found in the smallest moments of everyday life. I was in Georgia because you love me. The people surrounding me saw my tears and hugged me because you love me. I can look out my window at the beautiful trees because you love me. Everything that has ever happened in my life is because you love me.
I spent 28 years saying no to you, 28 years chasing meaningless dreams, 28 years searching for love and life. On October 18th, in Gainesville, Georgia, I stopped searching. You are everything I have ever needed. My life is in your hands, because you love me.
Love,
Your Daughter
