This blog is just some notes I took on a video my team and I watched as part of team time the other day. It’s about trust and how to break it down in a way that is actually comprehendible and helpful in relationships. I found it really helpful when thinking through my own relationships with my team, my friends, my family, those I will build relationships with in the future, etc. and evaluating where my trust lies, how my trust is built and earned, and where I want it to go in certain relationships. Take what you will!
THE ANATOMY OF TRUST
BRENÉ BROWN
Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.
Distrust is what I have shared with you that is important to me is not safe w you
When we trust, we are braving connection with someone
B – boundaries
– I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them and you are clear about my boundaries and you respect them
– There is no trust without boundaries
R – reliability
– I can only trust if you do what you say you are going to do, and not just once.
– reliability = you do what you say you’re going to do over and over and over again
– We have to be clear on our limitations so we don’t take on so much that we come up short and don’t deliver on our commitments
A – accountability
– I can only trust you if, when you make a mistake, you are willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends
– I can only trust you if, when I make a mistake, I am allowed to own it, apologize for it, and make amends
– No accountability, no trust
V – vault
– what I share with you, you will hold in confidence
– What you share with me, I will hold with confidence
– You lose trust when someone else opens the vault to you and shares something with you that was not theirs to share
– You hold my confidences and I can see you acknowledge confidentiality with others confidences
– We often share things that are not ours to share as a way to hot-wire connection… builds fake intimacy and counterfeit trust
I – integrity
– I can’t trust you if you do not act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same
– Integrity = choosing courage over comfort, choosing what is right over what is fast, fun, or easy, and practicing your values, not just professing your values
N – non-judgment
– I can fall apart, ask for help, and be in struggle without being judged by you… you can fall apart, ask for help, and be in struggle without being judged by me
– Hard because we’re better at helping than asking for help
– If you can’t ask for help, and they cannot reciprocate that, that is not a trusting relationship
– When we assign value to needing help, when I think less of myself for needing help, conscious or not, then you think less of others for needing help too
– You cannot judge yourself for needing help, but not judge others for needing help… you’re getting value from being the helper in the relationship
– Real trust doesn’t exist unless help is reciprocal in non-judgment
G – generosity
– our relationship is only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions, and behaviors, and then check in with me
You have to be able to break down and understand trust to talk about it and point out the specifics of what we need instead of using this huge word that has so much weight and value… we can break it down and say “here’s specifically what is not working”
One of the biggest casualties is not just the loss of trust with other people, but the loss of self-trust
You have to honor your own boundaries, stay in your integrity, not judge yourself, be generous to yourself, etc.
Self-trust is braving self-love and self-respect
If you can’t count on yourself, you can’t count on other people to give you what you don’t have
“I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves, but say ‘I love you'” – Maya Angelou
“Be wary of the naked man who offers you his shirt” – African proverb lol
We can’t ask people to give us something we don’t believe we are worthy of receiving… you will know you’re worthy of receiving it when you trust yourself over anyone else
If you want to watch the video yourself here’s the link ::
https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/
Hope I never get used to this.
– L
