Have you ever been somewhere or done something which completely altered the trajectory of your life? If so, I want you to close your eyes and bring the first thing you remember from this moment into sight. Grasp onto the smells which consumed your senses, your heart swelling with excitement, and how your mind felt as it was swarmed with endless possibilities. But now, I want you to remember the feeling of peace which enveloped your mind, body, and spirit. The moment you knew there was no other way than the path laid right in front of you. In this moment, you were all in.
These moments in our lives test the foundation our feet rests upon. Whether we run in fear from what is in front of us or stand firm on the rock we are secure in. The past two weeks, this was my reality.
I took off running to Georgia for a two week training camp, where my expectations were low and my excitement ran wild. You know those dreams where there’s something chasing you, you’re trying to run with every ounce of strength your body has, yet for some reason your feet are moving but you’re still in the same spot? Well, that dream was my reality as the airplane lifted off. Going into training camp, I saw myself running as fast as I could away from what was waiting for me while God was holding me in place. As if he was saying “You can’t run from my love and you especially can’t outrun where I have placed you.”
Stepping onto the red clay soil covering camp, I felt a change in pace. 26 men and women from around the United States all stepped down on the same soil with the same expectations; to embrace God fully and to release themselves for something greater. I couldn’t help but feel every individual was intentionally placed on this squad for a specific purpose. Imagine throwing one person from every state all in the same room. Each one having different beliefs, values, histories. Personalities which varied so drastically, yet matched so perfectly with those around them. Now, imagine each of these people with different lenses, all seeking the same thing; to see Jesus here on earth. Each one is a uniquely designed piece, finally coming home to a complete puzzle.
Then, day one smacked me in the face. From waking up at 6:00 am to rain pouring down on my tent and slowly reminding myself to have an attitude of grace as the lack of coffee settled in quickly. I slowly reached my hand outside of the tent, lifting my body into the brisk air, eagerly looking for what awaited outside. In the midst of grogginess and the dewy morning air sweeping across my face, I saw a group of individuals wide-eyed and filled with a joy unlike anything I’d witnessed before. We all scrambled to the training center, a building just 5 minutes walking distance, rubbing our eyes and eager for what awaited us. Silence rushed over the room, a slow strumming began alongside a gentle touch of someones fingertips pressing into the piano, releasing a melody which immediately felt like the first sip of warm coffee in the morning. A warm flood which could be felt from the tip of your lips to the depths of your belly. Then, it began. Each voice joined in for the purpose of praising a God which is so much greater than we can imagine; proclaiming God is the ultimate worth. This became a regular occurrence every day and as I now sit on my couch in silence, I’m craving the sound of voices uniting for one purpose.
Typing this my brain is rushing with thoughts and words. Trying to compile them all into one coherent blog so you can begin to understand what I experienced this past 11 days. Although there is so much to explain and endless amounts of information I want to give you, there is only one event I keep coming back to. Remember how I said to keep that moment in your mind which changed the trajectory of your life? Well, I want to give you a glimpse into what changed mine.
The last day of training camp I woke up, similar to any other day. The grogginess had enhanced, my whole body seemed a bit damper than usual, and the lack of sleep was beginning to set in. Although the discomfort was louder than usual, my heart radiated heat to fill the sour parts of my mind. I was clueless to what today had in store.
The day was no different than any other. Breakfast, session, lunch, session. Maybe because it was the last day it felt a bit harder to connect and a lot harder to focus on the task at hand. The afternoon crept in and my heart began to swell again as I knew they were doing baptisms soon. One thing I want you to grasp onto was how in the past 11 days, I fully heard God’s voice and could finally grasp onto Him. In the moments before the baptisms began, I heard God saying “This is your yes.” The past month, I was doubting where I belonged and didn’t trust where God had me. I was yearning for something simpler, easier to understand. In just seconds I felt as if a Father was gently cusping my face with one hand, gazing into my eyes with gentleness and peace. His other hand grabbing onto mine, reminding me of his invitation to no longer worry as I am in his presence now. I heard once more, “It is time to say your all in.”
My mind raced with questions, trying to grasp onto something I thought I could never understand. I put one foot in front of the other, stepping into a frigid pool unaware of what I was really saying yes to. I was dipped into the water, feeling every ounce of water brush against my skin and tossed up into the night air. For the first time in months, I felt a presence of peace. My mind was no longer racing and all I knew was I was never going to be the same.
Shortly after, every voice at training camp was lifting up the name of our Father. I gazed around and saw every individual with their hands lifted in surrender, praising Him. I turned back around, and tears began flowing from my eyes. The kind of tears which reminded me of a broken water hose where the hose won’t turn to shut the water off. My hands flung out beside me and I truly am unsure if there are words to explain the feeling my heart was consumed with. All I knew, was in this moment, there was no way out. Every ounce of my being knew the love of our Father and every ounce of my being could no longer ignore the purpose he had laid on my heart. What’s even sweeter? Two individuals came up to me during and confirmed what the Lord had so dearly placed on my heart. One, spoke softy over me “I heard the Lord saying you will never be the same.” The second, “He wants you to know how proud of you he is.” Friends, he knows our hearts and he wants to continuously remind us we are right where we are supposed to be.
I wish I could show you this exact moment, as it’s permanently engraved in my thoughts. If you’ve ever seen Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, remember the Pensieve of Hogwarts which was a magical instrument used by the Headteachers to view memories. You’d wisp a memory out and pour it into the waters to allow another wizard to witness your memory. Well, I wish I could dunk your head into the waters to feel, see, and touch how there is nothing greater than His love for His children.
I believe in some funny way God has his own form of a Pensieve. Through witnessing his glory and grace first-hand, we are given the opportunity to pour out the Holy Water we were given to others so freely. He has given us the ability to allow others to witness to his grace in not only similar, but greater ways. Imagine dipping your head into the water. At first, your lungs begin to fill and your confusion begins to consume you. Then, you hear a quick flick of a switch and the feeling of cold frigid water turns into warmth and surrender. Instead of fighting against the water, you’re finally surrendering to what has been right in front of you all along. Confusion dissipates and an unexplainable sense of love replaces it.
I want you to hold onto what this may feel like and begin seeing what may be holding you back from turning the waters in your life from death to life. As I stepped back onto Colorado soil, all I knew is there is something greater in store for me. I can no longer live the same life. I finally understand what it means to love tightly and to hold loosely. From my job to my family, to my apartment to my car, it’s time I listen to the Lord saying “hold loosely”. As all that I have and all I will ever receive is no longer mine, but it is for a Father who never lets go.
He has such a firm grasp on my heart, and this time I’m not letting go.
