Since I got accepted to go on the race, I’ve been in transition; a season of waiting. Around every turn there is an offer, a relationship, a path I have to turn down because of this new season of life I will be living starting in January. I have seen myself using the words I have to instead of I want to.
Not once did I think I would be faced with choosing between my faith and the career or marriage I yearned for. In all those 10 year plans I wrote on a scratch piece of paper when I was 12, most of the time my list portrayed faith, family, and my career aligning perfectly (I know I know, that’s not how God works, but a girl can dream!). What I learned quickly is no one teaches you the raw truth of how to let go in rough situations, without your faith being the one to go first. No one taught me how to approach a situation saying “yes and” instead of leading with “no but.”
As the trip gets closer and closer I continuously presented myself with an ultimatum: I either go or I stay and build a life for myself. Even typing those words I feel the devil laughing, because he tricked me into thinking I was being coerced to go in the first place. As if God’s voice, his calling, wasn’t good enough. He tricked me into thinking going or staying was an ultimatum, and either way I had no voice in the matter. In any moment our voice feels squelched, we resort to aggressive behavior and pessimistic thoughts. It is one thing to say “I choose to go despite everything else” versus “I choose to go, but I’m leaving everything else.” The attitude we bring into a situation changes instantaneously when we start saying yes and instead of no but.
In this distinct moment I heard God softly whisper in my ear “choose me.” I don’t think I have fully grasped the words he continues to speak to me. In this moment, I knew I wanted to choose God with no doubt in my mind. Saying yes was drenched in fear as I was also saying yes to letting go of the life I am living. However, isn’t letting go so beautiful when there is something untouched in the distance? Really, are we letting go or just saying goodbye for now? Choosing a different path than what the 12 year old me wrote is beautiful, because our lives aren’t scripted even when we try to make them that way. Even in my fear, his voice was proclaimed. It became loud, even deafening. The ultimatum arose because a fear unaddressed was consuming my thoughts. The louder it became, the more I witnessed the shear terror I felt in giving everything I have built to a plan unknown. I am scared of what it’s going to look like. But, the beauty in my fear is I have a choice.
The beauty in my God is he lets me choose, even when he has already chosen me.
I have the choice to “choose him, pick him, love him.” We have such a tender and loving God, he allows us to choose even when we choose wrong. These fears of leaving arose from a fear of rejection, the fear of others misunderstanding why I was going. I felt as though if I chose God, I will loose everything else. My career, the chance of a relationship, having a family someday; it was all gone when I thought about letting go. Silly right, how saying one three letter word, a word you usually use in confidence, can make you feel so muddled? Saying yes went from being exhilarating to disconcerting. I saw how my defense mechanism was to push faith aside instead of fully embracing who God is. I felt I needed to defend my territory, because soon I was treading on land I had never seen before
Whether pushing faith aside for boys with all the potential they brought or pushing faith aside when a new job arose, I saw myself stuck in familiar places. Choosing God is far more than just speaking three letters. It’s proclaiming you trust God even when you don’t see where you’re walking. We are taught to always question our surroundings and doubt what is put in front of us. God on the otherhand shows us in choosing him, there may be questions unanswered or doubts. But, it is also learning through him his power is greater than any doubt we may have.
When I got accepted to go on this trip, I heard God say so firmly “this is going to be the most vulnerable time of your life.” Now, not even on the race yet, I am feeling the weight of his statement. This past two months I have been struggling to choose him, instead of falling back and choosing the career I have always wanted and building a relationship I craved. Really, I have been yelling up at the clouds lately, confused, trying to tell God how unsure I was of giving up everything I have right here and now. Even in our selfishness, our God is so tender. Even in my despair, he gently spoke “choose me anyway.” To choose him above my ability to see what’s next, above the fear of loosing a job, and above the fear I have had of finding someone to marry. He speaks so clearly because he knows the purpose I have yet to fulfill.
He chooses us before we choose him. He called us beloved even when we only saw darkness. For the first time in my life, I am able to hear God saying “choose me,” and I am able to yell back “I am all in.”
