“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brene Brown
One beautiful thing about the World Race is that you’re in a community that calls constantly calls you higher. I’m not just doing ministry with the people on my team, but we cook together, we live together, we go to the grocery store together, we travel together. We do it all. Very little time, if any is spent alone or to yourself. & the beauty is in is that people then see you at your very best and your very worst. They see more of who you really are, your greatest fears and your greatest joys. & when you’re not walking in the fullness of who the Father has called you to be, it’s typically called out.
I had never been told I wasn’t a vulnerable person. I had always felt like an open-book. That was until October of 2018, when we all gathered in Gainesville, Georgia for ten days to training for the World Race. Sitting in the main room during worship, the Lord absolutely broke my heart. As we stood there worshiping, tears ran down my face as I was flooded with emotions and memories. One of our squad coaches, walked over to me and put her arms around me and prayed over me. After the service, we found a quite space and talked about what was going through my mind in that moment. I was honest with her and vulnerable and in that moment, I felt a glimpse of freedom as I shared some of the mistakes I had made in my past and the implications that I carry with me today because of them.
The next day, she approached me again and asked if we could talk. Through eyes of grace she looked at me and shared with me that after we talked, she went back and looked through my application to see if I had shared more details about the events, but she couldn’t find them. Not because they were missing, but because hadn’t included them. You see, when you apply for the World Race you fill out a super detailed application & what I hadn’t even remember was that when I filled out my application I left out a lot of details. Out of fear or share or whatever it may have been in that moment, I lied.
My first thought was that they are going to send me home. I thought they would see that I’m not truly qualified for this and they would ask me to choose a different launch window, but that wasn’t the case at all. They meet me with so much love and grace and began praying that whatever shame I was feeling towards the past that made me feel the need to hide would be gone in the name of Jesus. I was blown away by their response.
Two days later, I had two friends on my team ask to hear my story. I don’t know what it was within me, other than the Holy spirit, who led me to be honest with them, but I was. Sitting in an Eno with a friend one night and walking around the lake with the other I was honest about the good parts and the hard parts of my story. & yet, again they met me with so much grace. We found commonality in the choices we had made and in the redeeming grace of the Lord. I realized for the first time, that they didn’t see me differently because of the anything I had ever done.
Fast-forward, three months to Colombia. We had been in country a few days and our squad leader who is so on fire for the Lord, called everyone to roof. As we gathered there, she began teaching on vulnerability and claimed that this month, the month of January she’s praying that our squad learns to be vulnerable with one another.
The high of sharing my story from training camp, had been long gone. The shame surrounding my past quickly returned. & the last thing I wanted to do was display the wrong choices I had previous made for all my squad to see. You see, the enemy typically doesn’t lie to me in something that sounds like a lie. It usually sounds like the truth. Remember the garden, all he did was made Eve question what God really said. & sitting there, I believed the lie spoke to me that I no longer needed to share my story, because it had already been redeemed. While that was the truth. & while that is so true, it’s no longer about redemption but about freedom. Bringing it to the light not only brings freedom and accountable, but it’s just as much an act of worship. Openly sharing the ways, I had fallen short show off the grace of the Lord and the ways He has redeemed my life. Sharing brings him the honor and glory He so deserves in my story.
As the Lord continued to speak to me on the roof, one by one squad members began walking up sharing their stories. Truthfully, I had never been in an environment as raw and real as that rooftop. Our leader often says, “vulnerability breeds vulnerability” and in that moment, she was right. Against everything I wanted to do or say, I walked to the front and shared some of my story with the entire team.
While most people stood while sharing their stories, I sat. Shaking, fighting back the tears I let it all loose. I shared aspects of my heart and my story I had never voiced before, to people I barely knew. I talked for what was likely 4 minutes, that felt like 4 hours. After I was finished I stood up, walked away, and threw up. I had made myself so nervous that I literally caused myself to throw up.
Moments later, as I walked back into the roof I noticed something profound. No one was looking at me. No one was staring. No one seemed to even care. Because, I wasn’t the first to speak or the last and as more people shared their brokenness the commonality came forth that we weren’t alone. We’ve all been there. We were all broken people, pieced together by a beautiful savior.
For the last two months the Father has been reminding me that one, I don’t have to live in the shame of the past. I’ve been forgiven. He has given me a new name and a new purpose. But secondly, that we don’t have to hide our mistakes. I no longer share my story for forgiveness, but for freedom. Sharing my story with my friend in the Eno and by the lake, gave me courage to share my story on the roof with the whole squad. Sharing with the whole squad gave me courage to share my story at a public high school in Colombia and teach young people how they can avoid the mistakes I’ve made and choose to follow Jesus instead.
Sharing my story isn’t just about my own freedom, but the freedom of others as well. & that’s exactly why the enemy tries to keep us in our shame. Galatians 1:5, Jesus said that it is for freedom that we’ve been set free.
So, here’s to learning to live in the freedom Christ died for me to live in. Here’s to forgiving myself more and walking away from shame. Here’s to living a life that celebrates the grace of God in a tangible way. Here’s to learning even more about what it means to be vulnerable and walking confidently in that.
Much love & Many blessings, Lauren
