It was almost a week into training camp (which I’m going to recap little by little) we found ourselves sitting in on probably like the billionth session… We were seriously poured into so much during the 10 days of camp, my mind is still trying to process.
This particular message given by one of the many amazing speakers we had was on shame and guilt.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever dealt with shame or guilt.
Yep. Yep. Don’t be shy. Get those hands up.
Shame says “I am…”
Guilt says “I did…”
Often times we have over ownership of this.
Shame is not of the Lord. We feel it, we all have. But we need to give our shame a name. We need to ask the Lord what he says about our shame and listen; and acknowledge the lies in our head.
My shame is rooted in rejection, feeling unwanted by my biological father
As I was sitting there listening I wrestled. And I wrestled hard. As I gently heard..
“Make the call.”
Um, come again Lord.
Forgiveness has the power to open doors. I have forgiven my father and I’ve made peace with that. The call is something I’ve often thought about time and time again. But I keep asking the Lord at what cost? Allowing myself to be hurt again and rejected, how Lord could you be asking me to do this?
“It’s not enough that you have forgiven him. He needs to know.”
Lord, I haven’t talked to my dad in like over 5 years and honestly I don’t even know if that’s accurate. This would be like talking to a complete stranger, please don’t make me (Hello, God never makes us do anything, so I realize looking back now how silly that sounds.)
“Make the call.”
Butttt whyyyyyyyyyyyyy????????
This is the dialogue going on between me and the Lord.
By this time I feel like a child about to throw a tantrum and honestly felt like I was losing the fight.
Then the holy spirit gave me the most profound insight I’ve probably ever had concerning my father when he clearly spoke to me “Lauren, you feel shame but have you ever thought that your Dad might be dealing with the guilt?”
Mic drop.
“Make the call.”
That one call that simply says “I forgive you” could be the key. The key that opens the door. Then I had to ask myself, is this a risk I’m willing to take? You see my Dad is a non-believer. I don’t know how that phone call will end but it’s not about how it ends but it’s about walking in obedience. It would be mustering up all the courage and boldness I have to show the character of God in the face of fear.
My hope and my biggest prayer is that somehow my Dad would get a hold of this blog and follow my journey. I know he knows what about to set out to do and my hearts cry is that through my 11-months on the World Race that somehow he would come to know Jesus. I think I’ve always struggled with the relationship he and I don’t have that I’ve somehow missed the mark when it comes to praying and being hopeful that someday he would come to have a relationship with Jesus and through his merciful grace somehow our relationship would be restored. I’ve always seen him as someone who has hurt me, rejected me, caused me pain, but God sees so much more. He sees beyond all that.
And again I hear….
“Make the call.”
