8/25/19 – I am a do-er.
I am a do-er. I find success in the things I can accomplish. If I am fully healthy, I can acknowledge that it doesn’t define my success, the problem lies when the fog covers how I view success. I like to be a do-er. So, therefore I am a busy woman with most of my time. I usually measure my success on how busy I am. As someone who identifies with a three on the enneagram – this makes perfect sense. I do – to prove to myself and others that I am enough; that who I am and what I do is enough.
What happens to someone who thinks they constantly need to achieve, has “nothing” to do? You struggle. Hard. In many areas you struggle. Why? Because it’s not easy to change the way your brain operates for the last 22 years. This is the challenge that lied ahead of me for the entire month. There are many areas of self-awareness that I have grown in this month. I have also found many areas of my life that I have to work very hard for because I am not naturally good at said areas. These areas include but are not limited too: just being, going with the flow, not having a set plan each day, and not a whole lot of consistency. I have these things about myself, for a long time; but I honestly did not want it bad enough to work hard for the growth. So, here I am, In Bouqete, Panama, working hard for the growth I so badly desire.
Going into ATL month, I did not know what to expect, but I had expectations for it. That’s twisted and hilarious! The month had a slow start to it and I just want an outline or plan so I could to prove to people back home that what I was doing is worthwhile in their support. [hahahahaha, I am just laughing out loud now at this. I understand but dang. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone!] I am fully-funded already by the grace and goodness of God, but I still wanted to “pitch” a good storyline and life I am living to people who are following along on this journey God has me on. Again, twisted in motives and thought.
**the rest of this will be me looking back at this moment and telling you what I have learned because the rest of the entry did not make sense.**
The one question I was tossing around for most of this day was “If I loved Jesus more this month than I did last month, would that be enough?” I said absolutely yes, but there was a lingering “but…” in my mind. It was hard for me to just leave my “yes” as the simple answer it was. It was what I truly thought but I thought I had to give others more of an answer than one simple word. So not the case!
I can remember this very moment, I was sitting in a hammock I visited many times a day to read, write, listen to music, or be alone. I was coming to a realization that I felt the need to prove myself to every single person I came in contact with because I did not feel adequate without an explanation. To this day, God has walked beside me while we ripped that lie clear out of my heart, and continues to walk with me every step of redefining who I am without explanation.
Because the ONLY person I answer to is Jesus Christ and even then, I do not need to justify myself to Him.
This has been an iceberg of a revelation for me. I think this is something I will continue to work on and practice throughout my whole life. I am okay with that. Actually great with that because that means there will always be more to uncover and grow closer to the Creator and who He made me to be.
Processing with Jesus is beautiful and sometimes it takes more time than we think. But I am truly learning to understand that his timing and promises are perfect.
Things I am not defined by:
What I do.
What people think of me.
How people feel about what I do.
Things I am:
A daughter of the Most High King.
A seeker of the Word.
A friend.
A sister.
A creative.
A lover of the great outdoors.
An asset to the group.
A power house for the Gospel.
A good listener.
A seeker of growth.
I am more than a do-er. I will no longer describe myself this way because it is not WHO I am, nor WHOSE I am.
