If there’s anything that will destroy entitlement in your life, living out of a backpack for 9 months will do it for you. Out of your limited number of belongings, some will get lost, some forgotten and some stolen. Most of the time, your bed is a glorified foam mat with a sheet on top of it, and other times it’s the blow up REI sleeping pad that you swore you’d “probably never use”. You’ll get the pleasure of testing the limit of how many times you can wear a pair of pants until they need to be washed (then you’ll continue to wear them more because washing clothes in a bucket is a pain). You share a room with 6 other girls, so don’t think you have your own personal space because it’s their personal space as well. There’s no fancy gym, with weights and equipment; only a patch of grass and a couple of Insanity work out videos. You can’t always choose what you want to eat that day because either your host is cooking for you, or you have to accommodate 6 other people as well. The WIFI is being shared by those other people as well, so if your Netflix, face book, FaceTime or college apps aren’t loading, well, better luck next time. OH, and forget driving where you want when you want, because the giant school bus that crams 80 people only stops at a handful of places.
Since coming to Guatemala, I was angry with God for the things that I felt He was not providing. Not only was I still not fully funded 4 whole months after the deadline, but by circumstances out of all of our control, my parents weren’t able to come to PVT (month 6, the parents get to come and do ministry with us at our location). I didn’t understand why I was in the small percentage of girls with no parents coming, and still had money to raise. I didn’t want to sit with the Lord; I didn’t want to search for what He had to say. I was angry, and I wanted to pout. So that’s what I did. However, when the bible says he pursues us relentlessly, it’s not kidding. He wasn’t going to let me pout and be angry; I had an important lesson to learn.
We went to church that sunday and our pastor told us a story about a time when God seemed distant, and wasn’t providing for him and a friend. They prayed over and over, but God just kept saying “I am good” again and again. While he knew this to be true, he didn’t get what that meant. After sometime, He came to this realization that even if God did not provide a single thing for him for the rest of his life, He is still a good, gracious and loving God.
WOW. Now that hit me like a ton of bricks. Slowly, I realized how much entitlement I was feeling towards God. At home, I very rarely worried about being fully funded or my parents not being able to go to PVT. I definitely had my fair share of freak outs, but in the end, I knew that God would provide. I mean, He called me there, so why wouldn’t He bring all the money in? I don’t have to freak out, or panic, or drop the race; God’s got me taken care of. It’s a healthy thought, really, however, my heart wasn’t positioned how it needed to be. I just thought God would provide because that’s what He does, He blesses us.
The reality is, is He doesn’t have to do a single thing for us.. ever. He didn’t have to call me to the race in the first place, nonetheless provide the money for me to go. Who said He had to? Jesus already paid the ultimate price for me: his life so I could live. That makes him forever and ever a good, gracious, incredibly loving God. He paid the price for me out of a limitless, love I could never wrap my head around on this side of heaven. There’s not a single thing that he owes me!
And whats the beauty out of all of this? Although He owes us nothing, although he already paid the ultimate price, He STILL blesses us each and every day.. And while I may take it for granted, or use it wrongfully, He still opens his hands and says “here, it’s for you!!”
I still pray for blessings and for things to work out, but it’s coming from a humble heart and a knowledge that He doesn’t HAVE to give it to me. So the answer to what God owes you? Absolutely nothing.. and still, he blesses us with a beautiful life.
It’s funny because once I made this realization, the money started coming in and I am closer to being fully funded. It’s a good lesson that God always does things for a reason.. I see u God, I see u.
