Little preface to this blog: I’ve been trying to write for a long time and nothing has come out. I always type 50 pages then save them and never look at them so i’m taking a leap here and I’m just going to publish what I had written last night. I don’t care if its good – sorry IB English, I tried. I just wanted to get my thoughts out there! Also, for those of you who don’t know yet, this is my final week in Oregon! I leave for Georgia on saturday and Cambodia a couple days after. I am also 81% funded! I’m only $2,500 away from being fully funded. Donors- expect thank you cards soon! My mom hand made 90% of them so she’s a rockstar. Thanks guys 🙂
There’s nothing more appealing to me than the thought of hopping in a van with all my belongings, and driving with no destination. Town to town, picking up random jobs for a couple weeks, then moving on. Making up random backstories of who I am, was, and will be. Choosing different names for each town and drifting place to place. I love to fantasize about a life like that. My introverted part of me snuggles into these thoughts until I convince myself that there’s no other life I would rather live. I actually got as far as looking on craigslist for big vans that I could buy to embark on this endeavor. Plus, I have a fancy new tent and abnormally large backpack that I could use – it’s perfect!
A slight character flaw in myself is that I’m the type of person that will dedicate her entire existence to something within .2 seconds of the realization that I like it. Once it was the boy band One Direction, then it turned into a obsession with whales, but usually it’s a movie or TV show that I fall in love with. I was 98% sure that I could break out of prison after watching 3 seasons of Prison Break. (Don’t worry, I won’t test that theory..) Naturally, this fantasy took ahold of my thoughts. Living alone, always moving and figuring out life as it comes at you with no actual responsibilities is dangerously intriguing to me.
However, I’m well aware that this fantasy of mine is all out of fear for this next season of life. Fear came to my door this week, and I let it in without realizing. It found a cozy place to stay in my mind and disguised itself as other emotions, along with this crazy desire to run away.
Of course this all happens the week that all my friends leave for college too. Dropping them off in Corvallis and Eugene broke my heart. All this fear crashed down on me, and I felt more alone than I had in awhile. And lemme tell you, I am the QUEEN of sulking and being alone. The biggest challenge for me this year is to actually voice how I am feeling, instead of letting it settle and being sad in my own time. I like to turn to Netflix and food and my ever-so-lovely bed that has never deserted me in times of distress. God should be at the forefront, but I push Him back, and I turn my trust into myself instead.
When I headed off to church tonight for the evening service, my anxiety was high. The only thing I want to do when i’m anxious, is be at home where people can’t stare at me or talk to me or try to have social interaction with me. I had spent the entirety of that day laying in bed with Netflix on, staring at my mounting pile of gear that I need to pack.. However, I wanted to spend time with a friend that was going, so I went anyways!
Long story short, I ended up feeling incredibly uncomfortable and alone. I was praying and trying to get into the music but I kept coming up empty; I didn’t feel God’s presence and I wasn’t hearing his voice. I tried to sing louder, I tried praying harder but the anxiety took up all of my thoughts. I know that God is always with us, and I know he doesn’t abandon us, but when you are about to embark on a 9 month trip dedicated to Him, an empty worship session after a hard week is a tad disappointing.
During the end of worship, a women came up and started to pray for me. It was a pretty normal prayer until she went completely silent for a minute. I felt awkward for her because I assumed she had lost her words, and stumbled up with nothing to say. But then she said, “I don’t know if this resonates with you at all, but God is telling me that you aren’t alone.. That He hasn’t abandoned you. The things you’ve been hearing from Him aren’t your own thoughts, thats the Lord!”
Such a rush of relief and love I felt from Him in that moment!! It amazes me how He fills us up so quickly, and so easily! You can feel down in the dumps, angry and resentful for God but the moment He brings you back home, you feel the same way you did when you first dedicate your life to Jesus. That feeling NEVER ends!! It doesn’t wear off or become less life changing, but actually more incredible with time! The closer I get to Jesus, the more I know Him, the more beautiful it feels when He calls me his beloved daughter, and brings me back. Jesus welcomed me home again tonight, and booted the fear out. God speaks to me a lot through other people and I think it’s because I will doubt what He tells me if it’s from me. I doubt that it’s Him speaking to me, but tonight, He sent someone to tell me exactly what I had been doubting. What I am hearing is not myself or my own thoughts. If it’s scriptural and about God’s love, THATS HIM! I needed that reality check and wow, is He good.
Glory be to Him, only 6 more days.
