I want to write a blog about the amazing things I saw God do in Africa this summer, tell you all the stories and show you all the pictures. & I will. But, before I can do that – He’s calling me to be vulnerable about what its been like for me to be home & what He’s doing in my heart right now.
For the past year or so, as I’ve began to abandon everything and truly chase after Jesus – I’ve found out a lot about myself. A lot of the ugliness that is my flesh. I’ve watch Jesus breathe life into the broken places in me, begin to rid me of the bad, and grow in me what is pleasing to Him. He’s began a good work in me, sanctification, and I’ve got a LONG way to go (and will continue to until the day I die), but He is faithful to see it unto completion (Phil 1:6).
Something I’ve realized on this journey is that outward sins are pretty obvious, easy to feel convicted about, and to make changes to. The part that’s hardest for me is when I think I’m doing something right for the Lord, but I was never called or intended to do it at all. Basically doing things out of my own strength, with great intentions, that usually does more harm than good. I guess I’m not done learning about my word, ‘innocence’, that God has spoken over me as a prophetic warning by multiple people in multiple countries. (Read more about what that word means to me – that i’ve discovered so far – in my past blog here!)
This summer has been the best summer of my life. I spent it with Jesus, on a continent I love. I couldn’t have asked for more. Even though I was in my favorite place and Jesus was with me, I still faced many hardships there, and definitely in the transition back to life in America.
Hardships aren’t fun but I’m thankful for the way God uses them to make me more like him.
He allows our circumstances to heat us up like you would heat up silver when purifying it, causing the impurities to rise to the surface. Once they are visible, they are addressed and removed… and you know what’s left after this process happens over and over and silver is pure?
You can look down at it and see a perfect reflection looking back at you.
Thats what Jesus is doing with each of us – making us clearer reflections of Him.
So this summer as I faced hardships I tried my best to learn from them, change myself if needed, or just take notes.
Multiple friends of mine in Africa kept telling me, “you don’t have to be tough anymore” or things like that. I wrestled and honestly pushed it away, thinking that I was doing okay because I was surrendered in my walk. I wasn’t trying to control what God was doing, I wasn’t even trying to rush out of the tough seasons, I was just taking the beatings from satan’s attacks, trying to learn lessons from the trials, trying to praise through them, and I was trying to keep going for God. So what was I doing wrong? I NEED to be tough, or else I’m not doing good enough, right?
I thought this was the best way to Glorify God. I thought that taking whatever was thrown at me and keeping walking was what would please Him most. After all, my word for this summer was ‘press on’ so isn’t this what He wants?
What I didn’t realize was that – YES, I was still walking, following Jesus, and doing what He called me to, but that I was collecting baggage that was slowing me down and hindering my effectiveness. I subconsciously began to rely on my own strength to carry it all, because I was too scared to come to God and complain or cry out that I couldn’t do it anymore. It may sound silly, but i didn’t want God to “bench” me because i couldn’t handle it.
A year ago in a really hard season of my life, God gave me a supernatural peace and I learned to worship in the valley and find JOY in dark seasons. Ever since then, I have taught myself to praise in storms instinctively, neglecting TRULY dealing with my emotions, just trying to be tough for God.
After two months in Africa this summer, I landed in CLT and jumped right back into my old schedule like my world hadn’t completely been rocked. I was completely overwhelmed, clouded, sad, and exhausted in all four areas (mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional). I began to get frustrated and upset, finally confessing to myself ‘i can’t do this.’
I did what I do best, I pressed on.
About a week ago I was hanging out with my friend, Mallory. If you know Mallory, you know she’s a high energy, fun-spirited, loving person. What you may not know is that she’s incredibly gifted in hearing the Holy Spirit and speaking life into hurt places, most of the time she doesn’t even realize what she’s saying or doing or the power in it! I was riding around with her talking about Jesus, and in my head the whole time, praying to God for Him to help me break the chains of whatever was making me feel this way. Mallory out of no where looks at me and says “God wants you to talk to Him about your feelings.”
Pretty simple, but the Holy Spirit sent it directly to the depths of my heart and it felt like someone just turned on the windshield wipers of my brain, and I could see again. It was still raining, but the wipers made a big difference.
I had done two things in my wrestling – tried to praise through it and be strong, or give up and go into a shell and be sad/confused and silent. What i hadn’t done was just be honest about my heart to God and tell him I was unhappy and frustrated. I didn’t know how to be ‘mad’ at God, I didn’t feel like I deserved to be, and i don’t, but He would rather me sit in his lap and beat His chest and cry, than walk around trying to fix myself before coming to Him.
I began to sheepishly attempt to talk to God about it all, how I felt, ask Him why some stuff had to happen how it did, and let Him hold me.
Early on in this wrestling being home, I cried out to the Holy Spirit to send me something, a word, to point me to a certain scripture, something. I was led to 2 Samuel 22:34.
I went and read it and it made no sense to me and my already clouded and irritated mind. I gave up and went on wrestling. A few days later my dear friend Emily texted me and said the Spirit had urged her to send me 2 Samuel 22 and that I needed to read it. I sat down and read the whole passage and wow. It was incredible and EXACTLY what I needed after this summer. It touched me so deeply and breathed life back into me. If only my hard headed self had read the whole passage the first time! But this way – it confirmed in me that the Spirit was speaking, and moving through Emily who has also been struggling in a similar season as mine post Africa.
Clarity began to come each day more and more, but tonight at church it all came full circle.
Brother Chip was continuing his series on Habakkuk, which has been INCREDIBLY prophetic, and tied to every single prophecy spoken to me in Africa this summer. It’s like I came home to Brother Chip preaching a summary of what the Lord revealed to LoveAfrica this summer. (I’ll refrain from rambling now, but I may write a whole blog about this – because IT’S SO GOOD!! Jesus is MOVING in America!!)
He told the congregation that he hadn’t said this in any of his sermons yet, but that he had labeled this sermon series “Honest to God” because of all the things Habakkuk was, he was honest with God.
He said something about how God wanted his children to unload their hearts to him in prayer.
I felt God whisper to me “Unload your heart to me, Lauren.”
I went into prayer, feeling as if that wasn’t all God had for me in that moment, and instantly had a vision of myself at an airport, at the check in desk. I had a big suitcase and it weighed over the limit, and I told God “its okay!!! I’ll just pay the fee! it’s fine.”
and He looked at me and said “theres no need for you to carry it at all. I want to take it for you.”
I kept insisting, wanting Him to know I was willing and able (HA, wrong) and then He said the words that convicted but freed my spirit all at once.
He said, “You’re no more faithful for carrying what I did not ask you to carry.”
Then I zoned back into the sermon as Brother Chip read read verse 3:19
and I could’ve fell off the balcony lol. It aligns with 2 Samuel 22:34. God is making my feet like those of a deer, so that I may hang on. So that I may press on. By His strength and design, not my own.
This lesson ties into the biggest lesson I’ve been learning all summer – God is my defender.
He has shown me all summer that though He does want to raise up a warrior in me, He is still the Lion that goes before me. I’m going to include the picture that my friend Mary saw for me when she prayed over me in Kenya. God was reminding me again of that warning of ‘innocence’ i wrote about here – and telling me things are better off if I let Him fight for me and I stay behind Him. (I put this into practice for the first time after 21 years this summer *lol*.. and WOW I’ve never seen God show up for me like He did in that bedroom floor in Kenya. another story for another blog haha.)
So what God is speaking to my heart this month in america, and forevermore, is this:
I’m no more faithful for going boldly where He did not call me, fighting a fight that was never meant to be mine, or carrying baggage that He is offering to take from me.
You are no more faithful for going boldly where He has not called you, fighting a fight that was never meant to be yours, or carrying baggage He has offered to take from you.
Thank you Jesus for the freedom you offer as we follow after you, the hope that you offer in hard times, and the Joy that you offer in abundance, always. Thank you Jesus for my people, the community you have blessed me with to be my windshield wipers when the storms come and I forget how to turn them on. Thank you Jesus for a summer in Africa, that while you empowered me to join you in furthering your kingdom there, you sought my heart and grew me too. Thank you for welcoming me as I am, all my praise and all my complaints. Thank you for humbling me and reminding me that I’ll never stop learning lessons, sometimes the same ones twice, but that you love me anyway.
Here’s to pressing on, in His strength, carrying nothing. Going only where the Spirit leads, in His time.
