**Lord, forgive me for how poorly this post is about to portray a months worth of conversations, invitations, and lessons from you. A million posts would never express the powerful ways you speak to my heart – but I’m going to try and give you an ounce of glory through this.**
though I am very much in love with life here — id be lying if I told you this season was what I had expected. this is a very veryyyy different style of ministry than I’m used to & that’s just as the Lord intended for me. Growing up going to summer camp (mfuge) I would always sign up for “social” or “evangelism” where we worked with elderly people, adults, and anyone we ran into in the community. Getting to know people’s stories, getting to share the good news of Jesus, and just living conversationally. I never signed up for kids ministry or PCY which was like manual labor. I knew where the Lord was growing me in my strengths and gifts— and I stuck to it. This season the Lord took me into a role of all of the ministry styles I would’ve put last on my sign up list. I wake up each day on the compound to the invitation from Him, “find me here.”
& boy have I. I’ve found His voice and His presence in abundance.
I won’t paint it all pretty and say I didn’t wrestle. He’s stretching me and growing me in new ways. I’m so grateful. & I have a new hunger for this type of growth..
The past year of my life has had a huge theme and focus on “full surrender” — now the Lord is calling me into “full dependence.”
He wants to end my self sufficiency, my comfort, and my control — for my own good and His glory.
I want to be constantly in need of His provision so that I musttttt be at His feet each and every moment. I want to only find comfort and consolation in Him. I want to use my giftings and serve Him to the best of my ability – but I don’t want to run from my weaknesses, trusting that in my weakness He is made strong. So I want to dive into the end of me & trust that that’s where He resides.
My lifestyle of missions, taking semesters off, doing things differently has always invited people to form opinions of how I live my life. I’ll never forget the words “Lauren lives with her head in the clouds – she doesn’t even know what she’s doing after her trip ends” being spoken about me (& they used to sting so badly). Now, they make me smile. Last year God called me to full surrender in Him – offering him every ounce of my future, my relationships, my circumstances, every moment, every day – what would He have me do? A comment that was meant to speak shame over me – now speaks confirmation into me that I’m living surrendered.
So, now that He has my full surrender and is calling me into full dependency – I’m welcoming being misunderstood forevermore.
{this leads to the biggest underlying lesson He’s teaching me}
God has been speaking to me a LOT about confidence. He has told me to be more confident in myself over and over for YEARS but it felt like a hopeless task and I didn’t see how it mattered if I liked me or not, so I gave up on it. The past month God has revealed a bigger truth to me about confidence.. He’s revealed how it affects my kingdom building.
He’s labeled this season ‘the wilderness’ for me for many reasons. (full dependence being one & I understood that.) But He kept taking me back to Moses over and over again and I didn’t know why. I even had a friend at home with zero clue about what I’m up to or anything, have a vision of me as Moses in the wilderness.
What are you trying to say God?
All of these things were glued into one perfect picture last week as I dwelt in numbers 11-20, exodus 17, and deuteronomy 34.
at first glance I’m simply proud of Moses for persevering through HARD community and through seemingly hopeless situations. as I continued to read through it I heard the words “don’t strike the rock” echoing in my mind. I remember climbing Mt Nebo & looking off & writing about how we shouldn’t strike the rock and forfeit all God has for us. What does that mean for me in this season? What does striking the rock look like? And honestly – I wanted to know what was so bad about Moses striking the rock?
I did what I do best – I googled it.
“What did Moses do wrong?”
I knew I was looking for more than a theological answer here – I was looking for what God was trying to speak to my heart in all of this.
I came across an answer to the question that painted a clear picture explaining what Moses did wrong and what in the world it had to do with me & my life right now.
It said “what do we learn? God means it when He gives you a commandment. If he told you to do something, that means you have the capacity to be successful at that task. If your own self doubts lead you to question your ability to follow through on Gods commandments, you not only do not believe in yourself, but you are not believing in God.”
Hey Jesus. I hear you.
I’ve got to stop doubting me, because all that’s in me is you (Galatians 2:20), I can do all things ONLY through you (Phil 4:13), and when I doubt myself – I’m doubting you. When I run from who I am, I’m running from your will for me. When I step down in fear, I’m doubting you will move mountains for me. I’m doubting you still bring water from the rock through Moses. I’m forgetting that you use the broken. I’m forgetting that your lineage is tainted and messy and that’s just how you wanted it for your glory.
**Jesus help me to face every situation in life not by comparing my strength to the task, but comparing the task to your strength and how BIG you are. Let me walk boldly in the big and small things you call me to. Help me not doubt your voice or the holy spirits nudges. I am worthy because of the blood & you can move mountains if I just have the faith of a mustard seed… let me never stop boasting in my weakness, but not forgetting to stand confidently in YOUR strength. **
So here’s to full dependency, recklessly living counter culturally like Jesus did, confidence in me because of confidence in Him. Here’s to knowing what’s next, but still holding it loosely and surrendered to Him always. Here’s to smiling when I’m misunderstood. Here’s to more of what HE has for me!
