This time of the year has been weird for me… because it reminds me of how it was 2 years ago. I got out of a 2+ year relationship and man, was I a messsss. The first week… ugh, it was the hardest week ever because I could barely do anything… and it was still pretty rough for a few weeks and even months. I can hardly think about that time of my life because I start to cry thinking about how down and upset I was.
So the last week or two, I had been thinking about that time in my life and really just trying to brush my feelings under the rug so it wouldn’t affect my time on the Race. Of course, God doesn’t let us do that for long!
On Valentine’s Day, we spent the evening at PenHOP (Penang House of Prayer) for a 4-hour worship session. One of the staff members opened the evening mentioning how it was Valentine’s Day and how the worship session was going to center around God’s love for us. When I put together how it was Valentine’s Day, I went back to V Day exactly 2 years ago… I was sitting in a salon chair, trying so hard not to cry every other second while the lady gave me a pedicure. Buuuttt, it was amazing to think how far I have come since then!! I am in freaking MALAYSIA!!!!
On top of that, God FOR SURE showed me His love for me that evening. It was as though the Lord curated that session specifically for me… to remind me of that season and how yes it was rough, but how it was also so great because of how close I got to Him and totally changed, for the better!!
For you to fully understand how the worship session meant to me, here is what I wrote in my journal last night (at another worship session!)*:
“Last Friday was Valentine’s Day, and I was reminded of this time 2 years ago … how I was completely broken and such a mess. I had been thinking of that time the entire week… but was not really processing it and coming to You about it. Also, I was so focused on the negative parts of that time. On Friday, Valentine’s Day, I thought about how exactly 2 years ago that evening I was sitting at a nail salon… miserable and hoping a pedicure would help even just a little. But last Friday, I was thinking dang, I wish I knew while I was sitting in that salon chair in Greenwood… that exactly 2 years later, I would be worshipping with my awesome squad… in MALAYSIA!!!!
“Wow, how far I have come… how far YOU have taken me. Thank You for the brokenness because I would have never done The World Race and be here in Malaysia, worshipping right off the water, on an island!
“Last Friday, you showed me through the worship songs how though 2 years ago was ROUGH… it was also a very BEAUTIFUL time in my life. Through that brokenness, I came to You… I asked for forgiveness for my previous sinful life, I told you I am all in… and I have never looked back! Through that, I had to completely lean into You, and seek You all the time for comfort, for peace, for healing. I had never felt so close to You. And last Friday, I felt that closeness again… and the songs reminded me of 2 years ago – how I apologized for not being all in before, and that I dedicate ALL of my life to You… AND, how much You really love me.
“Tonight, You have reminded me of how beautiful last week was… and how when I think back on 2 years ago, it doesn’t have to be sad. I can look back and embrace that incredibly hard season because it brought me to this incredibly beautiful season of my life.”
*some sentences/words/phrases were removed… I still want that part of my life to be a little private 🙂
Here are some of the lyrics I wrote down from last Friday’s worship session:
“When everything is shaken, and everything is taken… I still believe.”
“In loss of self, I gain the One who resurrects, who raises up.”
“I’m sorry when I just went through the motions.”
“Jesus be my everything, be my delight.”
“Mark me with a consuming fire… with Your desire.”
“Let my heart burn for You.”
