When I met my team we were given the verse, Matthew 15:13 “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots.”
I had never heard that verse before and when we discussed it as a team, it was very clear he was going to take every single thing that needs to be replaced with his truth, love, and kindness.
At the end of each month we have a debrief where we all come together and reflect what we learned in the ministry, share stories, and get our vision for the next month. We have some killer worship sessions and a few teachings. The very first teaching we had was by Teresa on “I won’t be dam’d” meaning we won’t be stopped up spiritually. And while they’re good for the physical, they’re not good for the spiritual. If we allow ourselves to be stopped up, we’re not going to grow. We’re not going to experience the fullness of the Lord. We were challenged at the end of the session to ATL (Ask the Lord) a few questions.
Lord, am I in the dam or in the pool on a float?
Help me be in the dam and never come out.
I don’t want to get my feet wet, I want to be fully immersed in you and your love.
Lord, I’m getting out of the pool and jumping into the river with you.
I saw him take me out of the pool where I’m so comfortable.
On Monday February 4 we had an all girls session where we talked about relationships, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And everything that was on the bad list I had experienced especially in my previous marriage. So I left that session with a very heavy heart because of the shame that came with it all. I remember calling my mom telling her how I felt and she had told me that it’s ok to grieve, that it’s ok to feel what we feel. And that helped me so much. At night we had an incredible worship session led by Nicole who had all the songs that touched my heart. Especially the song Even when it Hurts by Hillsong. An anthem I sang for an entire year while I was going through the darkest valley of my life so far, not realizing how much those words in the song meant.
That night I wrote this journal entry:
Sometimes it feels like the pain is too much for me to bare. Like the wounds deep in my soul are too much to walk through. But you Lord are so patient with me and give me space to breathe. And give me time to mourn. It hurts — all of it and some days I feels like I’m never going to be free from the pain or like I’m going to be healed. All I know is that I trust you now and I trust you know what you are doing. I choose to praise you even when it hurts like hell and when the fight seems lost. Lord you’re over everything so how could you not be in this now?
The next day, we had another night of worship led by Andrew and we sang Your love never Fails. I have sang this song 100 times in my car when it comes on the radio. But this one line stood out like never before, “The chasm is far too wide, I never thought I’d reach the other side.” And I started kind of weeping because of the meaning behind it. Then, I feel this tap on the shoulder, and it’s sweet Lynna one of my squad leaders and she so gently says, “The Lord wanted me to tell you look at how far you have come, all the things that got you here and to celebrate it.” We transitioned into another song and there was a moment where I just started to cry and lose it. I fell to my knees in surrender while the Lord was taking me back through every hard or painful memory in my life.
Childhood: Dad in and out because of his job, getting stung by bees, bat to the head
Elementary: bullied, feeling alone, stupid, & worthless
Middle School: attention, all the “boyfriends” or “crushes” I had, getting molested, sham & guilt that came with that, action that took place, depression & anxiety, losing my virginity, more shame
High school: a bad relationship for the majority of my years, abuse, alcohol, drugs, not caring about my grades, shame that came with me going to get a neuro psych evaluation, losing friends
After high school/transition: more partying, being enrolled in college and not actually going, letting myself go
My previous marriage: the mask I wore, the “good” that trumped it all, the abortion, him going to jail, no “good” memories, the abuse mentally, verbally, and emotionally.
During all of this Shelby so graciously was praying over me and later I found out there was a circle of people going to war with me— praying me THROUGH it and the others off to the side I know we’re giving me space to let the Lord work. I remember feeling SO INCREDIBLY HOT. Like if I were on fire I would have believed it, every inch of my body was water from the amount I was sweating. At some point I came up from the ground just kneeling there and Shelby asked, What can we do for you? And I said, “Keep praying” I knew the Lord wasn’t done with the memories. He was still revealing where I’ve been. During that time Kristen, Chris, Courtney, Julie, and Emilie B. Were all praying over me at the same time. Then I heard in Shelby’s prayer “Well done my good and faithful servant.”
And in that moment he brought me out of the chasm and told me, “That’s your past and it hurt and it sucked. I know this because I was there and we aren’t going back. In the future you are going to go through more chasms and again it’s going to hurt but you know where to turn now, you turn to me.”
I believe that me being as hot as I was, was my physical body relasing the wounds, pains, and hurts of the past. When we go through pain, our physical body is affected too and we need to allow it to heal as well. I don’t know how to describe that much nerd moment but it was like I was having an outer body experience, I was so hot I couldn’t feel my body. It was a release of my past that I’ve needed for so long I didn’t realize how badly I needed it. Don’t get me wrong, there are still wounds the Lord needs to help me work through but I don’t have to stay there and I don’t have to feel the weight of it anymore. This is a year of healing for me and I’m one step closer to that because of this incredible night!
Isaiah 25:12 “He will bring your high fortified walls and lay them low; he will bring them down to the ground, to the very dust.”
Matthew 15:13 “Every plant that my Heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots.”
The weed that started in me, just kept growing and growing to the point where it just took over my garden again (my life) but that night the Lord said to me, “We hace to uproot it in order for me to plant a new thing in you.”
One step closer to walking in the identity that was made for me to walk in!!!!
