This is a really hard blog for me to write. But anything that is hard is worth pursuing. I’ve never publicly shared the personal experiences I’m about to share with you. My hope and prayer is that you would be gentle and patient with me as you read this. I also hope that this will give you an example of how the Lord can use our deepest sorrows for his glory if we allow him to take us through the trenches of our grief. I just want to be obedient to the Lord in all that I do.
I heard a song tonight at the For King and Country concert and Luke shared the story behind their song called Burn the Ships. His wife called him one day asking him to come home because she was about to take some pills but she didn’t want to. On a stage in the Van Andel arena in front of thousands of people, he shared his testimony about how his wife was struggling with addiction. In that moment I really felt the Lord tell me to share part of my story with you guys. And as I type this I’m nervous but when God tells me to do something I want to be obedient.
Rewind 5 years ago to July 2013 when I met the “love of my life” when I fell in love with a man who didn’t love God. He was so infatuating to me. Everything about him to me was perfect. Tall. Handsome. A gentleman. Kind. And the worst of all… he said all the right things. Every one of them. All the things to make you fall for him. We started dating, it was a long distance relationship for a few months. I knew one day I was going to marry this man. He told me a few months in that he couldn’t see us being together unless we moved in together. So what did I do? Moved in with him knowing I shouldn’t have. When everyone in my family (immediate and extended) was telling me not to. BUT I did it anyway because they didn’t know what love was. Ha.
The beginning of 2014 came around and I found myself in a two bedroom apartment in North Carolina with a man I just met last July. with no one I knew. And I felt so lonely. My family wasn’t just a drive away but a plane ticket or a road trip away. Then we had a great idea to get married. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone because we were going to wait until he got back from deployment to “do it the right way”. As if I couldn’t make decisions for myself. Just two short weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was faced with a decision I never thought I would ever. ever make. His heavy influence of not keeping our child weighted me down like a ton of bricks and those words convinced me to do the unthinkable. I made the decision to have an abortion not understanding the severity of the sin I had just committed. We moved forward like nothing ever happened as I was physically healing for a little over two months.
It was kind of like a fog.
I saw the world as black and white longing for the color again.
And I couldn’t talk to anyone because the shame and guilt was so heavy on me.
I ended up visiting my extended family in Tennessee and they were like angels sent from God. An answered prayer I wasn’t praying but they were. They had known ever since I was little that one day I would live with them and I for the first time in all my life felt the Lord telling me to do it. But this meant I had to face all the secrets I had been hiding from my family. It all came out in a way that was crushing to them but that’s what happens when you run and hide, the truth finds you no matter how you want it to come out.
At this point when I moved it was the beginning of 2015. I really felt a shift in my world as I was trying to navigate through my grief that I was still pushing off to the side. I had just started going to church and Pastor Brady was doing a sermon series called Falling Staying in Love. (God does have a sense of humor) I was learning more about marriage and the way the God intended it to be, reconciliation and what that looked like from a biblical perspective. I started getting involved with a couple small groups and their college ministry. Feeling like a misfit every time I walked through the doors. No matter how welcoming everyone was to me I felt like no one would ever accept me. I was still married but separated at 22. But I wasn’t going to college and I was still new to this whole faith thing and what a relationship with God meant. February rolled around and I got a phone call from my then husband telling me he couldn’t answer questions but the next time you hear from me I’ll be in jail. Everyone I spoke with said that I should divorce him, but I had no reason to. I had no proof of the adultery I was suspicious about so in my heart it didn’t feel right. For the next 5 months I was praying he was in there for drugs because I could forgive that. I was digging on the internet for hours upon hours trying to find anything that would give me an answer to my questions but I always came to a stand still. During those months we wrote to each other. At the beginning I was willing to reconcile and work through our issues we were going through, but he refused to speak to me about the case so I was again.. left in the dark alone wondering what the heck was going on. The roles reversed and he was willing to reconcile and I wasn’t. Every time I thought about what him the Lord would remind me what love is and what it isn’t.
One day my digging led me to a place I never thought I would walk through and I saw with my own two eyes what he was being charged with. The next day I called and scheduled an appointment with a military lawyer who was another saving grace and just wanted me out of the situation. September 11, 2015 my divorce was finalized and I was no longer shackled to a man who was everything my parents told me to flee from. Funny how a day the world mourns for our country, I celebrate my freedom. The next month I found out he was sentenced with sexual abuse of a child, sexual assault of a child, and wrongful distribution of a controlled substance. I was absolutely mortified, devastated, disgusted, and felt utterly betrayed by a man that I loved so deeply. What I prayed for came true.. along with other charges that I just couldn’t wrap my head around. My identity was found in him so how could I possibly forgive this man? My heart grieved for those young teenage innocent girls. Their lives forever changed in such a horrific way. My heart grieved for their parents who most likely blame themselves for not being there to protect their own child. My heart grieved for him because of this horrendous act he committed that he knew was wrong. I was so angry because it could have been avoided. He had a way out and could have called me to come and get him. But he didn’t. And that hurt when I realized that he didn’t trust the woman he decided to marry. That he didn’t want me to know. All the secrets and all the lies that were hidden from everyone now finally shattered on the ground in a million different pieces. Wondering how in the world would I ever make it through what felt like hell.
I took it one day at a time with God and the wonderful community he surrounded me with just after the divorce was finalized. I remember a night where I was screaming and crying cursing God for everything. Telling him I hated him, that I’m in so much pain, I don’t understand anything in my life, I’m hurting, and I don’t see where he is in all of this. I let out every single emotion with God because it had been bottled up for so long. He was so patient. And still is. I pushed my pain so far down for over 2 years that I was forced to go through it. And when I did, I started seeing the color in my world again. I could laugh without a care in the world. I could be myself without feeling ashamed. There was so much more abuse that came from that marriage that I had to go back and face it for what it really was and not what I saw and it was so hard but rewarding.
I have come a long way in my healing over the last 4 years and I know I have a ways to go. He keeps revealing things to me I’ve held onto but need to give over. I’ve learned that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. And to truly dive into God’s loving arms when you’re faced with the unthinkable and unimaginable. He will use your deepest hurts to shed a light some way some how. You just have to trust that he knows what he is doing.
I know that I’m forgiven and that Jesus died on the cross for my sin I committed March 2014.
I know that he loves me unconditionally and pursues me with a tender and gentle hand.
I know that he knew this was going to be my story to share of his redemption and freedom that is only available through his sons blood.
I know that the Lord will use my story to help bring healing and restoration to those he loves.
I’m burning my ships and not looking back.
If you have read this far thank you. I’m sure you might have questions, and I ask that if you do to reach out to me personally.
Revelation 12:11a “They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony”
Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
Thank you for reading,
-Lauren
