as soon as mike came in the room, i exploded. not literally (obviously) but within my spirit. i felt him enter the room before i saw him. he knelt in front of me and began trying to talk to me. i could hear him, but in the low-volume place. and nothing he said really made sense. i don't remember what he said or did or what anyone around me was doing at this point. but i remember being scared, confused as to where i was and what was happening. i felt hopeless and weak.
i remember denise on my left hand side; daina on my right. somewhere in there higgs came in, between mike and daina, rattling off in the spirit like she boldly does. i remember the loyalty of daina next to me and the comfort of denise. the power of mike and the strength of higgs. i don't know why, that's just what i felt.
mike began talking to me in a firmer tone. i was still confused and felt like my body had been hijacked. it was like i had been shoved into the trunk of my own mind. able to see and hear what was happening but unable to do anything about it. as he began to speak things, "i" began reacting. he began demanding things identify themselves in the name of Jesus Christ; so they did. words and voices came out of my mouth, but i wasn't speaking. my body began moving and doing things i wasn't actually doing. things, deep things, began thrusting to the surface of my body. one by one they would identity themselves. they would fight, futilely attempting to stake claim on what had been their territory for so long. my tongue got stuck to my mouth. i screamed. i yelled. i told them to leave me alone. i demanded mike stop touching me. i even tried to hurt him a few times.
and by "i", i mean those things. those footholds. those strongholds. those lies. that had rooted themselves so deeply in my heart, i had no conscious knowledge they were there. for who-knows-how-many years, they had taken up residence in what my Daddy had purposed as a holy temple. it started with sleeping bags and tents, grew into houses, and progressed to the point that some of those lies resided in well-furnished mansions. they had made a conformable dwelling place for themselves and now someone was threatening that. someone bigger. someone stronger. someone saying he came in HIS name. so they did what they could to stop mike. they manifested and manipulated my body, my words, my face, to instill fear in the ones coming in the name of freedom. but, through His strength, they stood firm on the power of the name of Jesus and pressed on.
[the staircase to the right. i took this photo before this crazy night.
the flash, the light over my body, seems so prophetic now.]
after awhile, even though i was kind of sitting on the sidelines, the exhaustion of it all starting wearing on me. there was something still clinging to my spirit, something unable to be released. i think it was denise's voice i heard. something like "let go" or "let him fight for you now" trickled into my heart. it was like someone turned up the volume and for a few seconds i heard voices in the other room too. "you won't relent, until you have her all" was being sung over and over. now knowing what was going on on that wooden staircase right outside the door, the teams had come together to worship the Lord. they knew no attention or power should ever be given to the enemy and that ultimately, because He is God, victory would be claimed. so they praised His name. i heard it. i HEARD it. and i realized that, for once, i couldn't fight any of this fight for myself. i had to let my King claim victory so that it would be complete and whole this time.
so, i died.
in a flash a picture pops in my head. a battlefield, still buzzing from the raging struggle. like something you would see in lord of the rings or braveheart. an epic battle has been waged and its starting to come to a close. but it's not quite over. there are 2 individuals. a dirty, beaten, bruised and bloody girl. her clothes ripped, her hair ragged. covered in dirt and blood. and a knight. shining armor. fearless, with a ringing sword in his right hand. on a horse. white, strong, and sure-footed. and even though he's been fighting in a war, he's ready and prepared for a fight. gently i hear "child it's time. let me fight for you. let me claim this victory once and for all". lying in the dirt, i hear myself say, "i can still fight. i can do this on my own". shaking and broken, i try to pull myself up. only to fall back on my face. i cling to the foot of his horse, absolutely terrified of not doing it on my own but also terrified because i know i can't go back in the battle and win. with a gentle hand, he lifts my face and assures me that "i will fight for you. as long as the sun is in the sky or the moon has taken its place, i will fight for you. i want to fight for you. let me fight for you, my love." i don't even have to say anything for him to know my release to him to claim me as his own…
the vision progressed in milliseconds in real time, and released looked more like blacking out in everyday terms. my body and my spirit, exhausted from what had been raged, just gave out when i let myself fall into His arms that night. according to the friends around me, a glimmer of chaos ensued, including my pulse being checked and someone praying for my "dry bones to be brought back to life" when i went limp. mike picked me up and laid me in an empty bed in one of the rooms downstairs. the 2 teams took shifts that night, praying and prophesying over me every second till i woke up at 8 the next morning, sore and bafflingly confused. daina stayed faithfully at my side, reciting psalm 139 over me countless times, going through the bible finding truth to contract each one of the 9 strongholds that were cast out (one of my most treasured gifts even to this day). but in the midst of that, all i remember was the sweetest time of my entire life. i just sat with my Abba, in the throne room, and talked. we laughed, we cried, and He held me. it was simple. it was sweet. it was perfection.
when i woke up the next day it was surreal. my body ached. my brain was befuddled. and i felt light. both the unweighty and the illuminated kind. i had joy. like REAL joy. even though i had no explanation for what had happened the night before. i was free.
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it's been two years, almost to the day, that i was freed from those lies. it's been two years since victory was claimed over me. it's been two years since deliverance was given to me as a precious gift on those stairs.
and now i'm back. the sun of stejeris, romania is hitting my face and fingers as i type these letters. joy. thankfulness. light-heartedness. passion. i can't begin to explain all the things i want to do to praise Him. shout. dance. clap. somebody find me a tambourine! this is redemption. here in this place, i was redeemed. i am His.
two years ago, i was freed. today, on these stairs, i will worship.
[i came here caged. i left flying high. now, the heights are ever-increasing still.]
