I’m very hesitant to post this. However, I’ve had some people wanting to know how I am on a deeper level, so here goes nothing…
The Race has been a source of deliverance for me. Living in freedom has been filled with joy and exhilarating. I’ve never wanted dance so much in my life.
But it always seems short lived. I know it’s not; freedom is freedom, period. Yet I feel like anytime I’m experiencing life in the light of the King, my foot slips and I slide back down into the mired clay. I’m sick of bi-polar spirituality and I’m tired of battling. The enemy is strong and persistent. He uses the same old tricks and tells me the same lies he’s always whispered, but lately he’s added some new material to the deceit.
I’m sick of being stretched. My spiritual muscles don’t ever have time to recover and heal before a new workout begins. My God is bigger than the enemy. He will vanquish him and He will ALWAYS win. I guess I just want Satan to be defeated already. I want to be with my Savior. I know that’s selfish and sounds strange to say. But in the midst of my irritation and the continual struggle almost everyone of us goes through, its all I want.
I’m being broken. Little by little, sometimes chunk by chunk. I know that suffering and uncomfortableness are just pit-stops on the way to better reflecting the image of God, but it still sucks sometimes. I’m being stripped of everything I’ve clung to in the past. Every part of my identity is being called into question. God is doing a work in me and I wish I could run at it full force with a smile on my face. I want so desperately to be rolling on the ground laughing with joy at the fact that I’m being transformed. And sometimes I do. But more times than not, lately at least, I just want it to be finished. All I want to do is serve the Lord, to love Him, to dwell in His presence. But it’s so much harder to do that when I’m constantly struggling and fighting for every inch of joy and strength.
The Lord is fighting for me. And everyday I’m learning to play a smaller and smaller role in this battle. I don’t have to do this alone. I guess the Lord is pretty perfect in His timing. The time in my life with the most fighting and the most stretching is also the time where I’ve been given true community and the knowledge that I can’t win any fight by my own means. Only with Him can there be victory…and there WILL be victory. I know that.
The warrior image has been heavy on my mind lately. That’s what I am. But I’m not in the back cheering on the troops anymore; I’m on the front lines. And any time another foe is conquered, not by my ability but by the sword of Truth I’ve learned to grip tighter and wield more mightily, a new legion of the enemies soldiers are sent out. Any time I feel victorious, I have to put my game face back on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful. The fact that God has called me to be a warrior in the army of the Most High still blows my mind. I’m honored to be used to further His Kingdom. I just want the King that I serve to dominate the heck out of the enemy already.
So, basically, I’m frustrated. I don’t say that to whine, but to let you know where I am. I’m working through it. Well, Jesus and I are working through it. Little by little. And there’s no one else I’d rather have helping me try and understand.
