As you all know, today is Good Friday. It’s a day that until this year, I didn’t understand the magnitude of. This is the day that our savior was betrayed. The day he was beat, mocked, broken, and crucified. A day that we all, as sinners, deserve, but don’t have to live because Jesus stepped into that for us. Back in February Jesus wrote me a letter about stepping into my emotions and sorrows (something I struggle with immensely). He took me to when He was in Gethsemane and walked me through what he went through. It is intimate and personal, and it is hard and convicted. Today a few of my squad mates and I watched The Passion of The Christ to put our hearts in the right place for this Easter holiday. It wasn’t until today that this letter hit me harder than ever. And it is because of the beauty and weight of the suffering our Savior OPENLY walked into so we could live that I want to share it with all of you. They are His words, not mine.
“I want you to know that it’s okay to be emotional, Lauren Anne. It’s okay to feel and to press into your feelings. Our Father made us this way. We serve an emotional God. One who feels; who feels angry, who feels sad, who is joyful, who loves with all He has. It is what makes our Father special. Who else is loved endlessly by a creator and gets to feel the same things He feels? During my time on earth, I was faced with many emotions, and none of them made me less of who I am. Our Father wouldn’t give his one and only son these things if they were bad. I want to tell you about a time where I felt, where I felt hard, where I suffered and wept. Where I openly and willingly walked into pain.
It was right before I left earth, right before I was betrayed by one of my disciples. Betrayed with a kiss. We had just finished our last supper. I knew it was coming, so I prepared my disciples as much as I could. I broke the bread, the symbol of my body. I told them what it was. I was about to be the final fulfillment of the Passover ceremonies. The final sacrifice. The wine symbolized my blood, the blood of the new covenant. I knew the denial and the betrayal was coming, and I told them that, too. It was getting closer to the time where I would be handed over so I took my disciples to a familiar place where we had spent a lot of time, Gethsemane.
As we arrived, I asked my disciples to sit while I went to pray. I took Peter, James and John with me, but as we walked everything began to hit me harder. The reality of what was about to take place got bigger and bigger. That’s a troubling thing to accept: taking on the weight of sin. I didn’t know what sin felt like. I am pure and holy, born to a virgin. The sinful nature of Adam isn’t in my blood. How would I handle it? Yes, I am my Fathers, but I am also man. I was physically pained because of the overwhelming feelings of sorrow I had. I told Peter and them that, too. I told them my heart was sorrowful, even to the very thing I knew I was sent here to do. I asked them to pray with me, to join me in this agonizing time of anticipation. I was praying as I waited to die. I walked away, but before I got far I fell on my face, crying out to our Father, asking that if there was any way possible, please, please let this cup be taken from me. If there was any way for me to not take on the wrath of our Father, the sin of the world, let it be taken.
I was in agony, I was suffering like I had never suffered before. The sorrow filled me. It filled every inch of me. Every breath I took and every move I made, it hurt. I prayed harder and hard, giving everything I had to our Father. My sweat became blood, my emotional pain became physical. I felt everything. All of me, everything that the Lord had created, was feeling all of the emotions at hand at once. But I had to realize what I was asking, I had to let Him know that this couldn’t be taken from me just because I wanted it to, it was HIS will that needed to be done. This was hard, I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to suffer, but it wasn’t up to me – and I knew that.
After awhile, I went back to my disciples and found them asleep. I asked them why they couldn’t just stay awake with me for one hour. They were tempted by sleep, and the temptation won. I told them how the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. This wasn’t just about sleep, I was warning them. I knew that they would be tempted to deny me when I was lead to the cross. Denial and betrayal hurt, too. I had to go back and pray.
I knew suffering and sacrifice wasn’t up to me. I truly did. Not only did I know that, I accepted it. I told our Father, that if the cup couldn’t be passed without me drinking it, it would be done. His will would be done, and I wanted to fulfill that. I went to check on the disciples, their eyes were still heavy and the temptation had still won. A reminder of the betrayal that was on it’s way. It was too much to bear at the time, so I went to pray for a third time. I repeated all of my words. Saying them over and over again to our Father, so many times that what was about to happen almost didn’t feel real. The cup was mine for the taking, and I was ready. All of my sorrow, my pain, troubles and sadness had led to this- me accepting my fate and rejoicing in it. I knew what was about to happen and I was ready. With the hour at hand, I went to my disciples and woke them. They could sleep later, because Judas had arrived and it was time for our Fathers will to be done.
Don’t for a second think that my feelings were easy. I was broken emotionally right before I was taken to be physically broken. Before I was taken to endure mocking and ridicule that I did not deserve. But I felt. And I pressed into those feelings and our Father walked me through the emotions and trials that I had during that time. The more I felt, the more I felt Him. And the closer and closer I became to our Father, our Creator. I became more in tune with the way He made us and with the way He felt. My feelings are His feelings, and your feelings are His feelings. When you don’t acknowledge your emotions, when you don’t accept and work through the feelings that He lays on your heart, you are ignoring a vital part of your relationship with each other. Lauren, it’s okay to feel, and it allows you to feel our God. Step into what He has for you just as I stepped into Gethsemane and into the hands of my betrayer. Because through that, I stepped into our Fathers will and gave you eternal life.”
Your brother, your Lord, your Savior and your friend
-Jesus
-LS
