I went into training camp a nervous wreck. You couldn't tell by my demeanor or by the way that I talked, but it was there. I took a red-eye to Atlanta and was unable to sleep, so by the time I got to the airport, where I would meet the rest of my squad, I was exhausted. I found my luggage and made my way to the atrium where I slumped down on one of the chairs and let out a sigh. I couldn't help but think, "Am I really going to do this? Is this for me?"
The day went on and as they arrived, I was slowly introduced to my squad mates. As I began to put names to faces, I felt a little more at ease. But in the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think that I was out of place. Everyone was so happy and excited and open, and there I was, tired, nervous, unsure, and needing a little space (hello, introversion).
About mid-day we hopped on a bus for a three-hour ride to the mountains of Tennessee. Once there, we checked in, set up our tents, and headed to our first sessions of many. It began with worship. Everyone around me was into it, but I wasn't feeling it. My head was swirling with thoughts of, "Why am I here? What have I gotten myself into? Am I crazy for doing this? Am I wasting my time here? Why is God showing up for everyone else but me?
The night ended and the next day came and the next after that. As I got to know my squad better, the questions in my mind quickly began wearing off. I was finally getting the feeling that maybe I had made the right decision.
Then came my first experience with feedback.
After a stretching border crossing simulation, with me as the team leader, we sat down as a group and discussed what had happened and where we could see that others needed to grow. For me, this felt a little like, "bash the leader" time. My heart immediately put up a wall of defense and I began to get angry – really angry. Like hot-tears-streaming-down-my-face angry (except I didn't let them out).
I did my best to hide my frustration and went on to the next activity, but there was something going on in my heart. I began to feel really out of place and once again questioned if I had made the right decision. Thoughts of failure, anger, discouragement, disappointment, and apathy quickly took over my mind. I did my best to avoid the girls that I had been in the simulation with for the rest of the day, and it wasn't until our worship session that evening that I began to recognize my error.
Those girls weren't saying those things because they disliked me, but because they wanted me to grow and clearly saw the areas in which I needed to. Instead of taking what they had said and accepting and learning from it, I had dismissed it and taken it as a personal attack. By ignoring and getting angry with them instead of embracing their constructive criticism, I had given the enemy a foothold.
If I hadn't taken the time that night to worship God and refocus through His eyes, I doubt that I would have continued on the race. (That is how upset and discouraged I was.) The moment that I got my eyes back on Jesus, I realized the enormity of the mistake I'd made. This wasn't a battle against flesh, this was spiritual battle. Satan was pitted on setting me against these girls and creating division among our squad. From the time that I had stepped on the plane, he had been chipping away at me. He was attempting to derail me through feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and nervousness. He had been lying to me about my identity – telling me that I was not godly enough and not outgoing enough and not grown up enough to do the race.
Well, guess what – the devil is a liar. He is a complete jerk. What he says about me is a lie. What he says about you is a lie.
Our identity is in Christ. We are equipped because He has called us. We are worthy because He has redeemed us. We are sons and daughters of the King, predestined and chosen to belong to him from before we were even a thought in our parents' minds. No matter who you've been or what you've done or haven't done, He loves you and He desperately wants to restore you. You are his prized possession. And, you my friend, no "ifs", "ands", or "buts", are beautiful.
Is there an area in your life where you've given the enemy a foothold? What lies are you choosing to believe about your identity?
*Photo credit to my squad mate Benita Townsend and a random racer on Instagram.
