“The WORD; the TRUTH, is a double-edged sword. Your Spirit is fighting against your flesh right now. Do you want to know how I know? It’s because you’re crying. It’s because it hurts. God loves you, Lauren.”
As I sat at a table and looked up flights on my phone, my heart was conflicted. I was tired, angry, and over it. The world race was not what I thought it would be. I’d had enough of feeling like I wasn’t making a difference or that ministry was going nowhere. I had been pouring myself out for the last three months and all I had gained was some ministry contacts and a few pounds.
I had hit my limit. My body had physically had all it could take, I hadn’t had even one moment completely to myself for the entire year, I missed home, and was sick and tired of doing ministry for a few weeks and then moving on.
Later that night, I sat down with my teammate Liv to talk about leaving.
“Why do you want to go home? What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I just feel like ministry is pointless and like I’ve wasted the last three months of my life doing nothing.”
“That is a lie from the pit of Hell. I can see right through it. This is not about ministry, Lauren, so let’s just take that off of the table right now. This is about you. This year is about you. God wants to break you. He wants all of you.”
I began to cry.
“The WORD; the TRUTH, is a double-edged sword. Your Spirit is fighting against your flesh right now. Do you want to know how I can tell? It’s because you’re crying. It’s because it hurts.
God loves you, Lauren. He loves you so much that He gave you free will. He’s not telling you whether or not you should go or you should stay. He’s giving you the option to choose Him or to choose your comfort. This is it. He’s saying MAKE A CHOICE. He’s leaving it up to you. It’s not easy. Nothing in life is easy. You have to choose to get up every morning and crucify your flesh, edify the Spirit, and then walk in it. I know that it would be a lot easier to go home and I know that you really want to go home – I don’t doubt that for a second. That is real. BUT… I don’t believe that’s who you are. I know that’s not who you are. I know that’s not your heart because I know you…
Your mom is a good woman and she loves you. I know that because she hasn’t told you what to do. But, if she could tell you what to do, with all of the “mom” in her aside, what do you think she would say?”
“Stay.”
“Yeah. She would tell you to stay, and so would your Dad. And you know what, this is it. You can go back to the comfort of home and walk out of where you know you are called to be, but if you do, you’re going to miss the blessing that God has for you here. You’re going to miss out on the growth. This race is not even about ministry or even missions for you. This is about your relationship with God. He’s asking for all of you. He’s asking you to choose Him.
So are you going to go or stay?”
Long pause
“I’m not going anywhere until you make a decision.”
I knew she was right. No, it didn’t change the way that I was feeling, but she was right.
The world race isn’t easy. Every single day is a struggle. But, the blessings that come from choosing to persevere far outweigh the struggle. God never called people to live an easy life. He called people to die to themselves and this is the journey that I now find myself on.
So one day at a time, I will choose to choose Him. I will put one foot in front of the other and in His strength I will find the strength to crucify my flesh. I will pour myself out full-heartedly, especially when it’s the last thing in the world that I want to do. And I will kick off all that hinders me and run, with perseverance, the race that’s been marked out for me.
To my supporters, thank you so much for standing for me throughout this journey. I'm so grateful for your prayers, love, and support! I want to ask something of you – I want to ask that you support my teammate, Liv, who has spoken so much life and so much hard-needed truth into my life and the lives of my other teammates. She's an incredibly beautiful friend and I want to see her fully funded! Please check out her blog, subscribe, and pray about financially supporting her!
