Maneuvering through life after a big disappointment is tough. When you plan and build something up in your mind for so long and then, just like that, it's gone, it hurts. Every next step is painful. Life becomes confusing. Every decision; life-changing.
This is where I found myself after high school. All of my life, I had this dream to play NCAA division I softball and to go on to the Olympics. But a few games into my junior year, I broke my ankle and everything that I knew began to spiral out of control. I began to realize that my dream wasn't going to happen. So when graduation came around, I was lost. Sure, college was still an option. Money wasn't an issue. The whole world was open and ready to be explored. But, something inside of me reared it's ugly face. Fear. Fear so real and so powerful that I was left standing, paralyzed, over the chasm between high school and "real life". The bridge swayed with every big decision I pondered, threatening to send me into the abyss of the unknown below. So, I stood there. Afraid to move. Afraid to take another step. This has been my life. Wrestling with the Creator over a dream I've had since I was a child.
I'm clinging to the ropes that keep me from falling, fully surrendered, into the inky blackness, and hoping that someone will hear my call for help and get me off of this bridge. I feel a rain drop. It quickly turns into a drizzle and then a full on downpour. I'm slipping. "Help me, God." The rain continues. My knuckles are turning white around the ropes. I tell myself not to look down, but I do anyway. Through the rain, I can make out a small stream starting and slowly turning into a creek. It's quickly rising now and building. I look up and try to gain my composure. "God, can't you hear me? I need help!" The wind begins to pick up. The bridge begins to creak and sway. I'm going to fall!
Once again, I turn my gaze downward to check the progress of the creek. It's a raging river now, quickly rising. If I don't get off this bridge, the wind is going to throw me over the side. I look behind me. The bridge is still holding strong, if I can just make my way to the other side, I can get to higher ground. I try to take a step, but as I shift my weight, the bridge starts to twist violently. I put my foot back down, regain my balance, and try not to move. I'm afraid. "God, please help me. I need you!" I can hear a roar below me. The river has nearly filled the chasm. A few more feet, and it will be touching the bridge. I have to get off. But I can't move!
I'm nearly flipped off the bridge as the first splashes of the river hit the boards below me. SNAP! The ropes on one side have broken. I scream as I sink into the water. Still holding on to the remaining rope. The water tears at my side. It's splashing in my face. I'm gasping for air. I can't hold on much longer. Through the pounding of the current I hear a faint voice. "Let go." I'm fighting with all I have to hold on. I hear it again. "Let go." The river is so high now that I can't make it to the bank. If I let go I'll drown. The water is choking me. "Let go, Lauren!" The water is so high that the rope is underwater, anchored feet beneath me. I've slid up as far as I can. If I don't let go, I'm going to drown. Through tears and raging water I scream out a few words, "God, why don't you help me? Where are you!?" And then it happens. I lose my grip. The rope is ripped so violently out of my hands that my palms begin to bleed. And I'm tumbling. The water is flipping me underwater. My lungs are burning. I can't breathe.
I'm slowly losing consciousness. And then I feel it. Something has ahold of me. I'm afraid. I kick with what little strength is left, but I can't free myself. I continue to struggle, but am not making any head way. I can't breathe. Everything around me is fading.
I wake up coughing up water. I'm disoriented and my lungs are burning. I sit up and begin to take in my surroundings. Where am I? Luscious green trees sway in the fresh breeze and there's a faint smell of salt water. How did I get here? "I told you to let go, Lauren." Startled, I spring to my feet. I see a man, strangely familiar, but mysteriously unknown. I try to speak but nothing comes out. I try to run but I can't move. I crumble to my knees and fall onto my face. "I told you to let go, Lauren." I know who this is. I've heard this voice before. Why can't I recognize it? "I knew what was best for you, but you didn't listen to me." It hits me. This is Jesus.
This is Jesus – The one I've claimed and sworn to follow though thick and thin. And then I remember the storm. Where was he when I was screaming for him? Why hadn't he answered? Now I'm angry.
"Lauren, I was with you in the storm. I was with you when you were afraid. When you cried out for help, it was I who sent the rain. When you wanted to know if I could hear you, it was I who sent the wind. When you told me that you needed me, it was I who sent the river. When you wanted to know where I was, it was I who told you to let go and ripped the rope from your hands. When you couldn't take that next step across the bridge, I swept you into my river of grace. You drowned in it and now you can live abundantly. There is no more fear of death because you have already died with me. There is no more fear of failure because I have already covered over that failure."
When life is tough and some decisions feel like they affect everything, we have to remember that God is there in the midst of it. We may not get our dreams, but the moment that we let go and begin to drown in the depths of God's grace, we get more than our "dreams". We get lasting life. We get freedom from fear, freedom from failure, freedom from sin, and freedom from death. God is faithful through every storm. He conquers every doubt. He crushes every fear.
