If it’s alright with you, I’m going to share with you something out of my journal…
Freedom in Christ is so, so sweet! Praise God! We’ve made it to our first official debreif. We are three months into the race, in the Philippines. Tonight I entered into worship with a weary soul. I’m tired and feeling a bit numb. I don’t know if that had to do with travel day and my lack of sleep, or just with where I’m at right now.
When worship began tonight, I knew I needed to get up and move to the back of the room, but I didn’t feel like I had the strength to get up and actually move. Still, I felt God asking me to spend some time with Him in the back of the room, so I got up and went to the very back, where I kneeled down. Immediately, I started to weep. I couldn’t even sing along with everyone–all I could do was weep. I held my hands out and cried. I wanted, I needed, the Lord to consume me. I felt completely drained and needing to hear from the Lord. As soon as I quieted my heart, the Lord clearly told me, “You do not disappoint me.” He kept repeating this to me. It felt like He was sitting beside me, crying with me.
For a long time I’ve been consumed with trying not to disappoint anyone and not to let anyone down. I had taken on a burden of what others thought of me–feeling/thinking I had to be what they needed, what I thought they expected. In the midst of my crying one of my squadmates, Kristen came over to me, sat down beside me, hugged me and began to pray for me. I started to cry harder, almost uncontrolably. She told me God wanted me to know that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Kristen then reminded me that I am completely FREE in Christ and that at the end of the day, the only one that I need to make sure to put a smile on their face, is God–no one else. I will let people down, I’m only human, but God–He’s never disappointed with me. I am His daughter. He made me who I am–“I am not The Great I Am, but by the grace of God, I am what I am.” Lies. I’ve believed lies for far too long. It stops tonight! There is no more quilt–no more “would-of,” “should-of,” could-of’s”–but I’m FREE! And as I write this sitting on a porch swing on a balcony in the Philippines, I feel a cool breeze across my face and hear the wind chimes sing, and I know God is pleased with me and He’s here with me now. He wants me to find the truth (the truth shall set you free) out about myself according to Him. He is so good and so gracious, and just as we sang tonight, if grace is an ocean, then we’re all sinking. Praise God! He continues to remind me of that–He’s always there waiting for me wanting to talk with me.
I know that I’m hard on myself, why I am, I’m not completely sure. At the end of my life, what will matter? Will it matter what people thought of me or what God thought of me…
*Stay tuned for more on this, as I process this throughout the Race! Blessings!!!
