you wanna know how i’m doing? you wanna really know? I am experiencing sensory overload. overload of the senses. if I dare step out of the emotional neutral of the assurance I feel, knowing that this is God’ plan, God’s will, my duty, and rest in any way on how I feel about all this, its a sensory overload. in two words, its.. a lot.
i am really leaving the country. i am really going to change. i am really living and breathing everyday for a God, my God, THE God. this is all real.
and then i think, well, duh its real! but me? me, God?! yes i know you, yes I love you, yes I want to live and breathe for you. but I, even in that, do not deserve to have my greatest desire fulfilled, my potential given, my biggest dream granted.
when I think about my 11 months abroad, i almost feel shame in how blessed I feel. yes i will be faced with more horrors of this world than i ever could have imagined. yes i will be broken, refined, reDEfined, and emotionally tormented. yes it will take a lot. yes it will hurt. and most importantly yes it will change me. but the scarier the circumstances, the more dangerous the adversary, the more obvious the need, the more MY commitment grows, the more MY need to help is multiplied, the MORE BLESSED I AM. so how, oh Lord, can I, Lauren Cynthia Newborn, even deserve the priveledge of serving you in such a way? how do I get MY dreams answered in ways I couldn’t have even imagined?
