Please read my first post, Broken Concrete, before reading this post so you can get a better perspective of my day today.
It’s really ridiculous how much the Lord can change His children’s hearts in a matter of 2.5 hours. I wrote my last post, Broken Concrete, this morning around 9 AM while everyone else was having corporate worship. I couldn’t bring myself to go up to the barn and sit there in tears and my anger, surrounded by 90 people. (Alabanza is bursting with people because this is debrief weekend, meaning that both A & B squads are here, in addition to AIM leaders and other missionaries.) The thought of being alone to wallow in my misery was really appealing to me. Esther came down around 9:30 AM and really urged me to come to the barn at 10 AM for a C-squad meeting about the team switch-ups. Honestly, that was the last thing I wanted to do. But I picked up my 17 soaking-wet tissues that were scattered on my bed, threw on some clothes, and headed up in order to staunchly defend my position that we were all making a terrible mistake. I was prepared to tell everyone, including AIM leadership, how ridiculous this decision was and why the plan should not be carried out to fruition.
When I sat down in the circle of my fellow squad-mates, I just broke down crying. The more I cried, I became angry that I was crying, which made me cry even more. The meeting started, and I managed to keep myself under control long enough to listen to Gary Black, an amazing man of God who tells it like it is. He shared his heart and why God had burdened him and other AIM leadership back in the States to switch the teams around. They explained that in most countries, ministry opportunities will be severely limited by an all-women team; even though we don’t agree with it, women aren’t usually listened to without the presence of a man. In addition, God created men and women to be in a balance with each other. Women need the strength that men offer us, not necessarily just physical strength but emotional strength as well. However, being the only man on a team will be incredibly challenging many times; the leadership recognizes that. We need to continually lift up all of the men on C-squad in prayer.
The Lord completely transformed me during that discussion. He took away all anger and bitterness toward AIM leadership that I was harboring in my heart. He showed me that my priorities have not been aligned properly; I have put so much effort and energy into my team, my family, that I have often forgotten to focus on my Best Friend. It’s so important to live in community with my teammates, but not nearly important as it is to be
constantly communing with my Father. He showed me that this trial was minor in the grand scheme of things. The C-squad will look back on this in a few months and laugh at ourselves for making this such a large issue; we have so many larger battles that we have yet to encounter.
All of the changes that happened in my heart during those 2.5 hours were from the Lord. Walking into that meeting, I did not expect to walk out with as much peace as I did. I knew that I couldn’t get rid of my anger on my own, so I clung to it, desperate to keep as much control of my life as I could in the face of change and uncertainty. If you are holding any anger in your heart, I want to encourage you to let go of it. You won’t be able to get rid of it by yourself. It will require the hand of our Creator. He can change your heart drastically. It might not always be as quickly as He took my anger from me this time, but He will take it in His perfect time.
So now Team Concrete is down to 5 (6 when Cricket returns in Thailand). The plan a few days ago was to move a few women from Daughters of Zion to all of the teams, because they were such a large team to begin with. That plan has changed (shocking, I know), and Team Concrete will not be gaining any new members. We have met several times as a new team, and we feel the immense void that Casey leaves behind. It’s going to take time to grieve this change, but I know that we aren’t losing our brother at all. He is still on the C-squad and we will see him at least once a month during debrief times, if not more frequently in ministry projects. Team Concrete is repaving as Christ does all of the labor.
