My heart is cracked open right now, laying in a few hundred pieces on the cold, concrete floor of our bedroom. Last night, we found out that some team members within the larger squad are being moved around. We have known for about a week that this was a possibility. It bothered me a few days after we initially found out, but I didn’t really think it would happen in the end. Under the current squad structures, there are two small teams with 2 men each (me team, Concrete; and Team Awaken), and two teams with no men on them (Daughters of Zion and Team Lego). AIM leadership has felt from early on in the Race that it would be best for each team to have one man for safety reasons. Two months into the Race, the decision is made to switch the teams up. Today, Casey will be moved off of Team Concrete to Daughters of Zion, whose team name, of course, will have to be altered. Team Concrete will be gaining a woman from the Team Formerly Known as Daughters of Zion (*amended in my next blog*).
I am being very careful about the words that I use while I am writing this. I am very angry. So many thoughts and arguments are running though my head right now. It’s very tempting to write a laundry-list of arguments supporting “my side” of keeping the teams the way they are. But I’ve been reminded that there are no sides. We have to be united as a squad. I know that in my head, but I don’t feel it in my heart right now. I read it in Luke 11:17, but it won’t sink in: “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house dived against itself will fall.”
As have all teams on our squad, Team Concrete has already been through a lot together. We have loved each other, been extremely annoyed with each other, loved each other, really disliked each other, and loved each other again. But we’ve made it through the storm that is unification, and really enjoy being with each other when all is said and done. We frequently exclaim to one another, “I like us!” We know what makes each other excited, what makes each other scared, and what foods you can take off of each others’ plate without even asking. (Everyone knows that they can take mushrooms and beans off of my plate and make me a very happy person. Casey and Esther usually take me up on that open invitation.) We know with even the slightest glance when someone needs a few minutes of alone time. We are truly a family. And now we have to start over. My flesh does not want to go through this building process again. It was so hard the first time. I feel weary just thinking about doing it again.
Casey is (“was” should be used, but I really can’t bear to use past tense right now) such a dear member of our team. He can make me laugh like no one else. He’s incredibly brilliant, making him our go-to man for any random tidbit of knowledge that we might want to know. He’s our geographical expert. He’s very often our voice of reason when we are lacking. He is a graceful leader. The Team Formerly Known as Daughters of Zion is very blessed to have Casey as a new member. Team Concrete will not be the same without you, Case.
I know that God is sovereign, and I know that His plans for us are good. But I’m still angry that we have to go through this. Because of my humanity, I lack big-picture perspective, which is what I feel that I need at present. I know that I’m supposed to trust God blindly with this, that He can easily see the big picture because He created it. But it’s so hard right now.
Please spend extra time praying for the C-squad as we wade through this messy transition together.
