If we’re being extra transparent, I haven’t even put real clothes on yet, but when you’re in the shower and a blog post just hits you out of nowhere after months of writers block, the small things can wait (right?). Now for the actual transparency part – I’m not sure I’ve ever been in a worse place in my life with friends, hobbies, etc. The strange part is that it doesn’t feel like a bad place, it feels oddly comfortable but deep down I know I shouldn’t be here. I’ve tried for so long to justify why I changed direction so suddenly. Perhaps it was because I felt as if he had me on a leash and my soul was just bursting with curiosity and the desire for independence and freedom. Perhaps my friends changed and I felt I had to change alongside them for fear of losing their friendship. Maybe it was purely curiosity or maybe I felt like I needed it to use as a distraction. I’m truly unsure of the real reason, but I want to know how to get back to where I was. I feel independent enough to know I’m okay without those people in my life, but I’m lacking in courage to break away. It doesn’t quite feel like what I’m missing is bravery, but more so a desire. I’ve lost whatever internal flame I once had and in the least complicated way possible, I have a desire for desire. I’m tired of being content. I spent years creating a new way for myself and soul searching tirelessly for the girl I really wanted to be in life. I would even venture to say that I really did find her and she is wonderful, but she’s also reckless and she needs a Savior. The girl I discovered had strong qualities of independence and stubborn personalities. I often wondered if she did things for the sole purpose of just being told that she couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a wonderful trait to have but it becomes toxic when you feel the need to prove yourself to everyone including your heavenly Father. She is full of joy and full of life but she is too comfortable with this life. Perhaps it was because the last time she threw her hands up in surrender, the world around her crumbled and she didn’t know where to turn. In the strangest way, I ache for crumbling worlds because when it seems life is falling to pieces, it somehow makes it much easier to turn to the truth. Multiple times throughout this piece, I have almost written that I am tired of being comfortable in my Christianity but truly I am tired of living a comfortable life that does not portray Christianity. It’s as if the wick is wet and relighting the so called internal flame seems impossible. I try over and over and the flame won’t catch. As the cycle goes on, I give up and go back to the way I was living and call it fate. This is a mind game and He can’t help if we don’t ask. Nothing is impossible and we should live a life that expects miracles.
I had a conversation with a special person a while ago and we talked a lot about comebacks and reputations. We talked about being a different kind of different. Jesus hung out with criminals and murderers, and as Christians, we felt it was wrong of us to “baby gate” ourselves into a strictly Christian community. Fellowship is important, but Jesus isn’t lover of only the churchgoers and we can’t be obedient to his commands if we shy away from opportunity to be a light in a dark group of people. I had a pastor once tell me not to “missionary marry”. He said as a believer, I shouldn’t go into a relationship with someone who is not a believer with the goal to change them because more often than not, it ends up working the other way around and we’re persuaded in the wrong direction. There’s no point in being shameful of this fact – we were born sinners with selfish hearts and toxic thoughts. Being a different kind of different calls for someone who is strong in their faith, but still ultimately not content – someone I might call an active believer versus a passive one. They’re ready to move and ready to obey and they have faith that can move mountains. The conversation went on as we talked about the people we already knew who claimed to be Christians and what we would think if we happened to see them somewhere they shouldn’t be such as a party. If I walked inside and saw one of these people, my mind would immediately go to seeing them as being two-faced, hypocritical, or lying. However, the second person we discussed seeing wouldn’t have had the same affect on me. I know I would have seen them and turned away the thought that they could possibly be doing anything wrong. I would have coined them as the babysitter or designated driver or just there to socialize. I only did this because of the way they live their life outside of the party scene – they had created a reputation of such that was exactly the “different kind of different” we should all be striving for. We talked about how hard it is to turn your life around when reputations become all that people know you for. Friends of ours we have watched struggle for years to get back on top of things and just when they’ve got one leg up, they fall back down and I’m honestly not quite sure what to blame that on. It seems as if once they start pursuing Christ again, the church sees them as a hypocrite or just doesn’t take them seriously at all. The flame won’t catch, so they did exactly what I did, they gave up and went back to the life that was comfortable.
I’m reading a book right now called Wild & Free, a hope-filled anthem for the girls who feel they are both too much and never enough. It screams acceptance, not to be confused with tolerance. We were created for adventure and we have wild and free faith growing in us. Not wild in rebellion; wild in obedience. Not free to do whatever we want; free to do whatever He calls us to do. That part doesn’t apply just to girls, it applies to everyone. It should bring about a wind of relief to those with restless spirits like mine who are ready to go and do and see and move. We can still be our independent and curious-minded selves and we can do it while we shine bright for something much more promising than a group of changing friends and much stronger than a reputation. We can be the risk-taking adventurers that we were created to be and we can be overcome with joy and hope at the same time. That, people, is something worth relighting the flame for.
