Hi friends! Right now I’m at debrief in Banos, Ecuador. We all came here to meet with our leaders and mentor to take some time off, have some fun and reflect on how the first month of ministry went before we head back to Quito to continue working with the school until December.
So I keep getting asked what God is teaching me this week. I think I have a pretty good idea now. Yesterday, our leaders announced to us that one of our squad mates was being sent home because God was calling her to another season and she couldn’t grow here. I left that meeting overwhelmed with heaviness about the situation. I didn’t even understand why I was so bothered; we weren’t even close friends. I sat in a coffee shop and stared at a journal for an hour before coming back to my room and wrestling with God for two. That could have been me. But because it wasn’t, what does that mean for me? If I’m still here and I’m meant to be here, why am I not all in? To give you a brief backstory, I’ve struggled since the week I arrived with only being partially in this. God used other people to tell me. He used sermons to tell me. I knew I wasn’t all here. Before the announcement, they baptized some people and I fought myself on whether to jump in or not. I know that’s what I want, but I’m not there. I am in honesty and all truth, not at a place where I can publicly declare that I’m ready to live the rest of my life for Christ without any desire to even look back much less turn back. I’m not ready to now be held to this higher standard of living. I have this theoretical safety rope attached to old life and until I let go, I can only go so far with God. I hold on to it telling myself that as soon as I get broken or get uncomfortable, I can just tug on it. And you know what? Since I’ve been here, I’ve been broken. And I’ve been uncomfortable. And I never once had the initial reaction to tug on my rope. It’s the mindset of knowing the result will be good, but going as far as to truly believe it enough to do it. It’s figuring out what physical living looks like after theoretically letting go of something.
I’ve talked with friends and leaders about how the word maturity scares me. I’ve talked about how, for me, that word has a negative connotation around it. For me, when it’s used a synonym or word generally parallel to Christianity, it means a person who has it all together. Looking at myself as a person who only feels close to God when her life is falling apart, why would I venture into a life where everything is going great? It’s equally attractive and terrifying. I look at the pattern of testimonies as bad thing, bad thing, bad thing, bad thing, MET JESUS, perfection. It’s an unachievable, unrealistic goal. My favorite thing about myself is that I’m incredibly self-aware. I know exactly how I’m going to respond and react to any situation that could potentially happen to me…as old Lauren. I don’t know how to respond to failure or to mistakes as a new creation with no chance of turning back.
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said. (Mat. 14: 28-29)
I’ve been told to come. I’ve been called to walk on the water for goodness. So my trust can break down borders. So my faith can be made stronger. I’ve been called to step out into the great unknown where feet may fail and fear surrounds me and I can no longer rely on my own counsel to respond to the things that will happen to me there.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. (v. 30-31)
Finally this has become a journey of growth in obedience and intimacy but also of a matter of heart. I’m learning to choose trust and tell my story as it is in all its unrealistic patterns. I’m learning that God is waiting for us on the hills and that feeling distant from Him in the good times of my life is merely a false idea of my flesh. He waits on me in the valleys and celebrates with me on the mountaintops. There’s nothing behind me worth turning back to. I’m learning that maturity doesn’t equal perfection and that feet may fail. But He reaches out His hand and He catches us. I’m learning that fear has no place here. My soul wants only to live for Him.
Thank you all so much for keeping up with my journey, encouraging me constantly and remembering my team in your prayers. My team leader, Chloe, is still in need of $5,065 to keep her on the field so please consider reading her story and donating to her journey as well.
I also just wanted to share this video with you all that was really big for me behind the writing of this post.
all my love!!!
Lo
