“Ask and you shall receive.” I’ve heard this so many times from a million different people and places. It’s something that had lost meaning until God did just this in such a HUGE way in my life. Now it’s not the first time I’ve asked God for something and I’ve received it. But this was definitely one of the most impactful times in my life. To explain, I’ll start from the beginning.
This past year and a half has been the hardest year of my life so far. And I mean that very literally. Last May, my entire world was turned upside down. As all of the hurt and pain of this came crashing in, my heart reacted in a way I never knew possible. It shut down completely. I closed the world out – friends, family, God, even myself. The thought of my feelings terrified me so much that I buried them down as deep as they could go and built wall after wall around them. I wouldn’t even allow myself to know what I really felt or what was really happening inside me, much less God or any person. It was just too painful.
The longer I lived like this the colder and number my heart became. I quickly came to a place where I felt nothing. I didn’t feel love. I didn’t feel joy. I just was. I often felt like I was floating around in darkness, wanting to get out but not having a single clue which way was even up. I floated around in this darkness for far too long. I let it consume me and become me. It affected everything. It changed who I was. Honestly, it broke who I thought I was. I had no idea who I was anymore.
Things started to change when I decided I couldn’t live like this anymore (and it had been a good 8 months). I started counseling to talk through the wounds that sent me on this path and to learn more about my heart. I learned why I handled it this way and how to reverse it. This process was a hard one. I had to relearn my definition of strength. That being strong doesn’t mean that you’re so tough no one and nothing can hurt you. It doesn’t mean that you can only do things on your own and depend on yourself. I learned that true strength is vulnerability. It’s the ability to open up, to be real with people, and to allow healing to happen. Real strength is when you’re vulnerable, you get hurt, but you keep your heart open because you know that it doesn’t always end like that. That’s the kind of strength I’m still working to achieve.
Slowly but surely my heart began to change. It started to soften and I started to discover a “new” me God was creating. He was in the midst of shaping a me who was vulnerable. A me who receives love and gives love freely. A me who is more like Christ.
Before I left for the race I knew a lot of work had been done in me. I even started to feel like me again. It was like I was 80% there. Although there was only a little ways to go, I knew it’d be the toughest part and I constantly heard God telling me, “This will be done on the race.” When? I didn’t know. How? I didn’t have a clue. But I was scared. I knew it would be even harder.
Now I’ve shared a lot of this journey with you in other blogs. God has truly done amazing things in my heart in such a short period of time. Its crazy what happens when you get rid of distractions and just keep running towards Him, no matter how hard. In Peru I FINALLY hit a point where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel! I was so so close! But there was still something holding me back. Something keeping me from freedom. After a conversation with a squad leader, I prayed to God and asked Him to reveal the chains that were keeping me from freedom. He did not hesitate to answer! The next morning, God took me back to a memory. It was at the beginning of this whole journey when I was trying to make a very big and tough decision. In that moment, God gave me the answer and I obeyed.
After He showed me this memory, He then said to me “You obeyed me but you don’t trust that you made the right decision. You don’t trust that I desire what’s best for you in my heart. My love, why don’t you trust me?” That final question sent me to tears and stayed in my heart for the next few days. I didn’t have an answer for Him. There was literally no reason for me not to trust Him. I couldn’t even make up any kind of reason, good or bad. Every time I heard it echo in my mind I could do nothing but reply, “I’m so sorry God. I don’t have a reason. But I’m going to trust that moment. I’m going to trust this journey You’ve sent me on.”
After a few days my words became pure truth in my heart and I released everything and came to know full peace. I am now free! And I am so happy to say that the end of a very hard season has finally come! As hard as it was I am so thankful for all that God has done in my life. My heart couldn’t have been transformed any other way and it is so amazing!
I have no idea what this next season will look like. I know that God still has more work to do in my heart and I know it will be amazing. Right now I’m enjoying the blessings of peace, joy, and rest God is giving me! Although we may not always understand why we have to go through something, we can rest in the fact that God has a plan and that he is guiding us every single step of it. He will never fail you and He will NEVER let you go. God is so good and He is so faithful! Always.
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