When I first started the race, the no dating rule seemed like a Godsend. I was in a broken place where I was tired of loving people and letting them into my heart. I was tired of the pain it inevitably caused, so I was very thankful for the excuse to not let anyone in. I was glad because I had the perfect reason to keep my walls up.
Once I healed from my season of brokenness (In Peru/Ecuador) my feelings toward that rule changed. I started to miss the excitement of a new crush. I missed the butterflies, the fun of getting to know someone and seeing where it would go. Suddenly, the no dating rule seemed like a death sentence (you’re telling me I can’t date…for 7 more months…but that’s almost half a year…). I started to feel really antsy. I was ready to get back and meet someone. I mean my heart was in a better place, so why not now?
Except God didn’t call me to only a few months of singleness. He called me to 11 (at least). I wasn’t too happy about this, and I began to fall into some old habits. I started daydreaming to the point of distraction; it became harder to stay present. I began to desire attention and started feeling tempted to take advantage of any I was given. Put simply, I was giving my heart to the thought of a relationship instead of God. I was denying Him and His deserved place at number one. It made me feel like I was in a spiritual mess that I wasn’t sure how to get out of. I felt trapped. These habits and temptations just seemed too big to overcome.
Heading into Malaysia I wanted to fight off this longing for a relationship and try to focus that attention towards God. My method was to stop myself from letting my mind go down the dating rabbit holes and to switch my thoughts to God. It was not an effective plan. The spiritual brokenness there met plenty of spiritual attacks, and I struggled…a lot. Lust overtook my mind more than I would like to admit, and I found myself longing for the ideas of men. It crept into my thoughts so quietly, I didn’t even realize how bad it was until I left Malaysia and looked back on it
Feeling discouraged, I found a new attitude at our mini-debrief before we left for Thailand. A righteous fire raised up in me and with it a righteous anger. I went into fighter mode. I was so damn tired of the devil and his lies, and I was done with his games. This was going to end. I was going to put God in His rightful place as number one in my heart, and the devil wasn’t going to stop me. I was sending Satan back to hell with all of his lies. The only problem was I honestly had no clue how. I had no idea what this would look like. I felt God put goals on my heart, none of which seemed relevant, and I decided to let him guide me. I was surprised to discover that God was planning on the upcoming month revolving around dating and relationships, just not in any way it ever had before.
I’d been reading through my Bible starting from Genesis. In Thailand I reached the book “Song of Songs”, which is all about relationships and goes into a lot of intimate details. I remembered I had a series that did a verse-by-verse study of the book, so I decided to listen while I read. It was all about relationships done God’s way, not the world’s way. On my goals list, there was a book I wanted to read. It practically echoed everything I heard in the sermons, just in different words. I even went on the most amazing dates I’d ever been on this month. Yes, I dated…I dated Jesus (I think He’s a valid exception to the rule). My whole month revolved around dating and relationships…the right way.
The last few months God has been showing me what He wants for me in the man of God I will eventually marry. In Thailand He started focusing on my heart and the importance of it being in the right place. Through everything, I’ve started to learn a lot about being a woman of God and how I can be a great wife someday. I’ve learned about the state my heart needs to be in and how incredibly important it is that God is first in my heart. I have to love Him first above and before everyone, including my husband. It’s the only way I will ever be able to love anyone well, especially my husband. Through dating Jesus, opening up my heart to Him, inviting Him in, and learning about His standard for relationships, my heart has finally allowed Him to take His rightful place. He is my number one. All the antsy feelings and longing for a relationship has been replaced by the love of Jesus. (Don’t get me wrong, I still desire a relationship and marriage, just not in a consuming, take the place of God kind of way). My heart is finally at rest because it has found where it truly belongs. It belongs with the romancer of my heart and the lover of my soul.
I don’t know where God will lead me. I don’t know when I’ll meet the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be single, but I know that nothing, and no one, is worth settling for compared to the plan God has for me. God’s standard is the only standard my heart longs for, and I will put all my desires in my Savior’s hands. I trust His timing, and I will continue to enjoy this incredible adventure of life that He’s taking me on.
