What have I become? Who am I? Sometimes I think I opened a box and I can never close it. Since I was young I’ve known that God has been there. I never went to church until I craved for it, God put that there. I knew I had freedom but never lived it, I always knew one day I would be a missionary but cant believe I am. I knew I would walk away from sin for good but I’m scared of this new life. What about my future? What about my husband to be? G 42 or college? What if what if…… I worry sometimes about worrying so much.
After reliving some of the most horrible times of my life a hour later with exhausted breaths trying to keep up with my rapid heart rate and over run mind, I have to stop myself. I left home for a reason half running away half just wanting more of God. I knew without a shadow of doubt who I needed to be and who God was and is.
I laugh sometime at what the devil tries to throw at me. I cant believe sometimes I fall into it day after day. He tries to make you think he can take away your freedom, the freedom you know no one can take away.
Thank you team Fanatic you are my family! I know each one of you would die for me. You hold me up when I can’t hold myself, you are there for me anyway I need you to be. Thank you Fanatic!
Without great people in my life sometimes I don’t know if I can truly know Gods love and grace. Until I came on the Race I had no idea that community would save my life, that a few people would show me what I needed. God has shown me all this but He used my family, the K squad, to show me what I’ve been missing.
I don’t know where I’m going with all this or even my life. But what you choose everyday or who you chose or what you don’t do, if you obey or not is crucial. I’ve never chose God. I heard so many lies about who I was and until now I believed them. But ever since I was young, God chose me for what I still don’t know.
This year is to find myself, to truly deepen my roots. Do you know that a trees roots are 10 times bigger then the tree its self?
So when I face what people think normal is I wont get suck in to the whirlwind of life but I’ll stand firm in the Kingdom. I want kingdom here in my heart not just in my words or my mind. Nothing can fulfill the hole inside me, nothing can quench this ripping desire,except the Lord.
Why else would I be here? How can I ignore a purpose driven life? I salivate when I don’t hear His voice. It’s just not enough to just have a normal life, a house, or a car, a dog. Not for me. I signed up not for the World Race, I signed up to be a disciple, to have rabbi Jesus Christ the perfect teacher.
The person that tells me who I am is the Spirit that calms my soul. The daddy that has a perfect plan. In turn I still can’t believe how big God is. Once I think I figure Him out he totally blows my mind. Thank you for reading my blogs and supporting me.
