I first want to tell readers/supporters that I’m sorry I haven’t kept you up to date. I have been dealing with a lot, things of the past, and many things that only Jesus and I can take care of. It has been hard to think of blogs to write because I felt like nothing that I was going through could be put into words. I have many funny stories,sad sad stories, and so many more. I wish I would have at least written a summary of each month for you to read because now I have a lot to catch you up on.
Since I’ve been gone I’ve been molded by God and it hurts like hell. Trying to get over myself in the mean time, I don’t know how I’m not depressed, it’s by God’s grace. I’ve have had thoughts running over and over with sometime haunting memories. A flag pops up marking a memory with even the slightest aroma of a mans cologne. I have a lot to think about. For so long I pushed it down and now all the memories that I use to push down or try to forget with many different methods are coming up all at once. Sometimes the lies from the devil I thought were the truth, I couldn’t believe how often I was listening to his lies. I learned that if I memorized enough Scripture I could get through the day with a pleasing feeling that I made it through another day. I still don’t know how I’m dealing with all this. But I know that this is just a season that will soon pass. I think I now know why I’m on The World Race. Many reasons but here are a couple. To figure out how to make my own memories, new memories, my memories. And to learn how to make my testimony sound good to myself, to make it beautiful to me, and then to use it. There a lot more reasons why I think I am here in Israel today as apart of the World Race.
I am learning what grace is and how much the Lord has for me. All the church bible terminology is becoming more apart of my life. My old self has died, sometimes I don’t know how to live in this new life God has given me. It’s weird, not normal to be how I am today! A women of God. Sometimes I want to be sad or mad just to feel what I feel is normal. Going to the cross everyday leaving things behind that should have been left there years ago, and yet sometimes they creep back in my life like a lifeless snake wanting to bite me with no fangs. God has given me the armor to fight, but some days I forget to put it on. Once I’d learned in detail what the devil was trying to do, God has gave me tools and weapons to fight the enemy. I never knew how intimate God really was. Even though I could go all day without feeling Him or hearing Him, I know that I was never, or will never be alone. If you don’t feel Him, the warm tingly feeling, or hear him doesn’t mean he isn’t there. I have learned that calling Him to come or fall upon you is a moot point, He is already there.
Trying to explain what I’ve been doing, and putting into words how God is changing me in the last couple of months or so would be an understatement. God is so meaningful, He knows how to speak to me, He knows how to push me to be the women of God He wants me to be, He knows my heart and what I need. He provides all the time! There could be a blog on just how God has provided for me.
I never knew how personal I could get with him until one day when I was standing on top of a hill. He asked me “Are you really ready to marry me? Are you ready to become my wife? Can you give all of yourself to me?” I say to my Lord “I have”. He said “you say you have, but do you really want to become my wife?” I married my Lover and King on top of a hill in the middle of Romania watching the sunset. WOW! (My earthly husband has his work cut out for him).
I know I should be writing more but be patient and give me grace please. I feel with all my heart that I’m supposed to be sharing my fruits with my Lord and then my team. But for now I had to get this one out.
The new life I’m living, the real life I’m meant to live, isn’t easy because everyday my flesh is dying to be more like Christ. Literally dying to become more like Jesus is unexplainable! It hurts so much some days I don’t know how ill make it through. It’s not about me, having people walking over you is not easy. Sometimes God gives you words to speak and ways to deal with it, in ways you would have never have thought of doing. I’m not saying let people walk all over you. I am saying for myself, I don’t always have to be right. This is the hardest thing for me, trust me. Silence is more powerful then I could ever imagine.
I’m being molded into a REAL women of God. A princess and warrior for the Lord that’s indestructible. Satan and his demons are becoming more scared of me and I love it! I was once scared of them now they see so much of Jesus in me, and they can’t handle it. They will never stop trying to push me in the dirt , but thanks to God, He picks me up and dusts me off. When He doesn’t come to my rescue God uses them to build me. My past is in my past, and I love my past! It has made me into who I am. That was hard to write. My roots are growing so deep. I’ve learned to seek His face and not the ministry or people. It’s only about Him and everything is for His glory. It’s about Kingdom and I am the church. I crave for the Bible and nothing else (maybe Redbull LOL JK). I’m nobody’s savior and can never be. I will obey Him at all cost and His will for me is number one.
I wish I could explain to you how God has sung life into me (and everything in between) but no words can explain it. I can only say that my roots are deeper then I could ever wished them to be. I’m forever changed! I was dead until a couple months ago. I was a great sinner. What can I say about my life? I have been close to death by my own hands. I was once so close to the devil, and now I am so close to life, with God right beside me. I don’t want a pity party, but my story is not even hitting the surface of what this world is about, and that breaks my heart. Trying to figure out who I am in Christ has been the hardest fine line I could have created, but I am allowing my God to take care of me, to give me a purpose.
I know now without the Lord you cannot truly LIVE. I can only hope that we, disciples of God, can reach everyone before it’s to late. The suffering people in the world are crying out for anything. Maybe instead of just handing them money or food we can start listening and show them something more than our compassion. They need a bigger person then we think we are. They simply need GOD. I can’t tell you how hungry these people are and they need more than a full belly. I can see it in their eyes. I wish America could see how much more help OUR world needs. I feel bad for Americans, where our daily bread doesn’t come from the Lord. I don’t expect you to understand until you have sold everything and live with nothing. People that have nothing understand that daily bread is more than food. I’m not trying to say any of this to make anyone feel bad or make it seem like I get it now. How can He provide daily bread when its available at the super market. Not everyone that is starving is hopeless or sad. These people have more love for Jesus and get what it really means to be a Christian, because they don’t have anything else. I challenge all of Americans to step out of America ONCE in their life to see the real starving people. I know some people think they can’t, because they feel like they need to work in their own community. Some people think they cant because have kids, but just ONCE. Step out. I dare you. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! Philippians 4:13
AFTER ALL THATS OUT…
I have FREEDOM from my chains that I’ve been carrying for YEARS. Control and shame have no voice. How did I get to where I am today? Its simple, the Lord. Letting Him have control was and still is so hard, but we would think we know what is best for us. In actuality we have no idea. The Lord does everything so perfectly! It would be a lie to say He doesn’t exist. Live a day with a World Racer, and you couldn’t deny it. I tried for so long to test Him. To come up with excuses, but it’s a waste of time. I wish I always didn’t have to do the things the hard way but I do and I say no more. Do you feel lost? It’s ok. Like the World Race says, “its ok not to be ok”.
It’s not about rainbows and gum drops. You will have to fight. God is not going to meet you halfway. He wants you all the way. He doesn’t want us to be zombies, you don’t have to know everything or think you know everything. Test Him, He’ll test you right back. If you didn’t question Him then you wouldn’t be fighting to know the truth and if you get mad at Him, His big enough to handle it.
PS to my family and friends, I love you all so much. I continue to pray for you daily and can’t wait to see your smiling faces. I’ll talk to you all soon. After the internet ban, I’ll email and call you guys! A lot more blogs soon to come next week!!!
To MY Mommy! I love you more then you’ll ever know! I am safe and warm and learning LOTS. Give KeyKey a kiss for me! Don’t forget to give her a can of garden greens organic cat food from the pet store for her Christmas dinner and if its not to much a new toy! LUV YOU
