Running to the River. {Story of Redemption}
Someone once told me,“If you’re living in the past, you’re living in shame and guilt. If you’re living in the future, you’re living in fear.”
I’ve been on the World Race for 45 days now, and I’ve been running this whole time. Sometimes running away, sometimes running back and sometimes just plain getting lost about why the heck I’m here.
Last month in Bulgaria, I was asked to share how I came to know Christ in front of our Bulgarian church. To be honest, I was mortified. I was nervous. I had never shared like that before and I was not happy that I was doing it.
Sunday came and there I was standing in front of a room full of Bulgarians thinking, “What the hell am I doing?”
My throat cleared and the words started to flow.
“My childhood was different than most children in America. My parents divorced when I was two years old and from then on I never had the chance to experience a loving childhood. Both my mother and father were drug addicts. You see, they constantly chose their drug of choice and next lover over my siblings and I. Most nights my sister and I would be alone wondering when we would see my father again and trying to figure out what neighbor, friend or food bank we could get food from for dinner.
By the time I graduated high school my mother had been in jail twice and labeled as a felon and my father’s presence was unknown most of the time. I grew up, became independent way too fast, and tried so hard to fill my basic needs that were not being met. My parents abandonment and choices made it clear that I was not worth loving and not worth caring about. I hated myself. Suicidal thoughts raced through my mind nearly every minute of every day. My parents made it clear to me that I didn’t matter, I was unwanted and I was alone…. “
Pause.
Woah.
I stared at the ground as the translator finished.
Inhale.
“My first year of college the suicidal thoughts only increased. I tried so hard to cover up my past and act like I was a normal 18 year old. I kept running. Kept running from my past and kept acting like everything was okay. I was able to run from my past for a little while and hide it. But I wasn’t able to run from the thoughts that constantly filled my mind. The thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, that I was unloveable, that I was worthless, and that dying would be so much easier than living…”
Exhale.
“I was invited to coffee one day by a friend at my university and while I was drinking that cup of coffee I was also invited to have a relationship with God. I accepted the invitation, a little hesitant and weirded out at first, but I accepted. It wasn’t like fireworks went off or something magical happened but I thought I had nothing really to loose.
After that cup of coffee my life didn’t become this happy life full of rainbows and butterflies. The suicidal thoughts came to an extreme. I was laying in bed really sick one day and the thoughts wouldn’t stop. I finally gave in and literally cried out to God as tears streamed down my face. I screamed at God. “God if you’re real, then why do you put these thoughts in my head. Why can’t you take them away!!” I was at my lowest, screaming at this God that was suppose to be so good and suppose to love me. It wasn’t until that day that I gave control to God.
I started going to counseling regularly, confided in a christian family member, and started to explore this concept of God. It wasn’t an easy process. I kinda was kicking and screaming at times about the idea of God. I always thought God was just a list of rules and regulations to be a good person. I thought being Christian was some sort entitlement to hold over others and to act better than them.
Oh, but I was so wrong. Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. “I will be found by you,“ declares the Lord, and will bring you from captivity. “
Through counseling I was able to forgive my parents and realize that they are just like me: human, broken by others and trying to make it in the world. The suicidal thoughts started becoming almost non-existent. It wasn’t until I started truly seeking God fully and living by Jeremiah 29:13 that I was able to realize how incredible life truly is and how I am unconditionally loved because of Him.
Today, I still have my problems that I struggle with. I still sometimes question God, and I’m still working on loving myself. However, every day is a new adventure. Every day is a choice to pick up the cross and choose to believe in God, to follow Him, and to believe the truth of life. The truth that I am loved, I am a daughter of the Most High, and I am valued because of Jesus Christ who died for me, for my pain, for my suffering and for my past.”
Today, I am choosing to run towards the river. The river of God’s love. The unconditional love that nothing else can fill. The kind of love that many search for. The free love. The true love. A love that you can’t truly comprehend or understand until you give up your own control.
I’m going to be honest. Before leaving on the World Race I was living in my past. I was living in the shame and guilt from my parents, from my choices and from my pain. I was ashamed still of my story and all the hurt that I had experienced. I was embarrassed to let people in on my past, to be vulnerable, and to show that I was weak. The World Race has been teaching me that we all have a story and every story comes with pain, hurt, shame and redemption.
It is our choice to live in the past, gripped by shame and guilt, or to live in the future gripped by fear. Or we can choose to live in the present, experiencing growth, understanding, adventure, and freedom – living in the overflowing river of God’s love.
Which path will you choose?
