grief: intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death.
In the States, we have certain guidelines to follow when grieving and there isn’t much wiggle room within them. You only have so long to grieve the death of someone, and how long you have depends on how well you knew them and to what degree your relationship with them was. There are certain avenues and tools that are ok to use to cope with and there are those that are inappropriate. We put people into this little box and decide what their grief should look like and comfort them for the allotted time and then move on and assume they should, too.
Nicaragua taught me a lot about grief. I’ve always believed it to be a word attached with the death of a person. Even the definition states “especially caused by someone’s death”. But I learned that grief comes in so many different shapes and sizes.
We had to walk quite a ways to the nearest place with good wifi in Granada, Nicaragua, where we stayed for the month. Because of this, I didn’t get to talk to my family as much as I was used to in Costa Rica. Our teams also did a rotation where we would spend 4 days at a time on an island in the middle of Lake Nicaragua. There was limited electricity, so certainly no way to communicate with home while we were there. The few days prior to my first trip to the island I had spent as much time as possible talking with my mama and trying to provide some comfort to her as she prepared to lose one of her best friends to cancer. When our boat met the shore, one of my friends from the squad came straight to me and said she had talked to my mom and Tina had passed while I was on the island. I was rushed with countless emotions and in that moment, I wanted to be nowhere near Granada, Nicaragua, my squad, or my team. I wanted to be with my family, providing what little comfort I was capable of.
Over the next few days, I spent a lot of my time grieving. The thoughts of being away from so many people I love when they were hurting so badly was crippling. I grieved the loss of someone who had been family for all of my life. I grieved the thought of two beautiful children being left without a mother. I grieved the thought of my mama being left without one of her best friends. I grieved a husband having to figure out what life looks like without his wife by his side.
Through all of this grief, the door was opened for me to grieve other things, too. I quickly realized that by having an actual death to grieve, God was teaching me that it’s ok to grieve other things, too.
I began grieving the loss of all control while on the Race. I have very little say in the people around me, the place I sleep, and the food I eat. I don’t get to choose my ministry or the work I will be doing. I don’t get to pick up the phone and call my best friend to chat or jump in my car and go check Trenton out of school early to hang out. I get very little say in the activities I participate in for the next 11 months, and that realization is HARD and I had to take time (and still am) to grieve that loss.
I had to grieve the temporary loss of my family and friends. I don’t get to drive over to my parents house whenever I want to to visit. I will miss Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings. I will miss birthdays, graduations, births, and deaths. I will not be there to congratulate, celebrate, or comfort with the people that mean the most to me.
God has revealed so much to me about the process of grieving, but mostly He has shown me that it’s ok to do so. It’s ok that I often find myself frustrated that I don’t get to pick my meals. It’s ok that there are times I want to be anywhere but where I am. And it’s ok that these things hurt.
I am so grateful that God and His ways are so much higher and His plans are so much bigger than any grief I face. I am so thankful that He chose me for this very Race, at this very time, knowing the things I would miss at home. I am grateful that He can comfort those I love, and me, in way bigger ways than I could ever dream of. And not only that, but that He WANTS to comfort me and walk through my grief with me. And I am so grateful for the promise that one day, I will get to see Tina again in Glory!
Grieving is hard and it sucks. And it isn’t a season that God wants us to live in. But sometimes we are called into things that are scary and difficult and take us away from things that we love. It’s ok to grieve our losses, as long as we never lose sight of the One who brought us to where we are!
“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7
