It has taken me quite some time (obviously) to put my thoughts about training camp into words that made any sense at all. My experience was one that I could never FULLY explain, no matter how hard I tried. But I have done my best to give you all the best description of what God did while I spent 10 days in the wilderness. Literally (:
I’ll give you the quick version of what training camp was all about and what it looked like before I tell you the amazing way I encountered our creator! We slept in tents outside 8 out of the 10 nights. The other two were spent 1. in a freezing cold room, on the concrete floor and 2. LITERALLY OUTSIDE. Y’all. I don’t do outside, like, ever. So this rocked my world a little haha! The majority of our day (probably at least 20 of the 24 hours) was spent outside. We spent a lot of time pushing ourselves physically in the Georgia heat (including a timed 2 mile hike with our big hiking backpacks on our backs; somehow, someway, I survived) and learning what it looked like to live in community. We took showers by filling a 5 gallon bucket with water and using a measuring cup to rinse (I had a total of 3, I think. Showers weren’t priority, and we were all okay with that). Meals were served on a platter that had to feed eight people. Each day we had different food depending on what region we were focusing on. I began to understand the “eating to survive” theory and really appreciated the unbelievable choices and freedom we have in America just food wise! The first night I spent about 8 hours rolling side to side and going in and out of my tent to throw up due to a migraine. I was SURE that was God telling me I had made the wrong choice and I should definitely stay in the states and call it quits on this whole World Race thing, but He was just humbling me for what was to come instead. We had amazing worship, incredible speakers, and squad bonding time that can’t be explained. In just ten short days, I didn’t find new friends, I found a new family. I miss all 47 of my squadmates every second of every day and would go back to sleeping in the tent in a second! (X Squad, that’s a big deal. That’s true love!)
What’s so much more important than the environment we lived in and the conditions we were forced to become accustomed to is the way God showed up and rocked my world. If you know me well, you know that a lot of the time, God speaks to me through song. I LOVE praise and worship. At church, in my car, in my living room. I meet God many times through lyrics and singing (terribly) to Him. Camp was no different and I am so thankful for a band that wasn’t there to entertain, but there to provide an avenue for us to truly see God face-to-face. So, bear with me as I parallel the lyrics that guided me through training camp with what God taught me.
One of the big focuses was really taking time to step back and see yourself as God sees you. It was hard to walk two miles in what felt like 1,600 degree heat with a backpack on. But truly assessing my heart was so much harder. I know this will come as a surprise to so many of you, but, I’m not perfect. I know, huge shocker. And I struggle with serious sin. But God showed me that I am NOT ALONE in that. That I’ll be leaving the country in September to travel around the world with 47 other sinners just like me. None of us have it all together. And we never will. He didn’t call us to perfection. He just called us. He does want to liberate us, though. He longs for us to be free from the bondage of our sin. And He showed me that truth through some really tough encounters.
**I’m about to get real serious and share things that are difficult for me to share. Please respect that while I am sharing this to hopefully bring light and show others that they, too, can be freed from the shackles of sin, it doesn’t mean that it is easy for me to put this out there for all to read. And PLEASE join me in praying that God continues to bring me out of my sin and show me a life of freedom.
“You’re a good, good Father. It’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are. And I am loved by you. It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am.”
-Good, Good Father by Housefires
A couple of days into camp, we were instructed to find two other people and form a “triad”. In this triad, we were challenged to really get vulnerable and share what it is we struggle with and get it out on the table and begin to deal with it. I found two girls I felt semi-comfortable with (as comfortable as you can be with people you just met for the first time 3 days ago) and sat down to start sharing some “baggage”.
It’s funny how many of us, as Christians, have a go-to story that we use in these moments. We all have that one “thing” that we are probably way past over and dealt with 13 camps ago, but it’s a decent story and we have shared it so many times that by now we can tell it without feeling that raw pain we felt the first time we shared. I had my story ready and I was going to plop down, share it, maybe shed a few tears, and move along. I barely knew these women. I surely wasn’t going to tell them anything “real”. Approximately 30 seconds into our conversation, I started to blab. Things were coming out of my mouth that I had never told anyone. My mom, my best friend, my youth pastor, no one. “WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?” was what I was thinking, but my mouth just kept spewing things. I felt like I had no control over the words I was speaking. When I finally shut up I was prepared to look at two faces that were in complete shock and looking for the nearest exit. I didn’t find that. At all. I could not understand why these women reacted in love. Why weren’t they telling me how wrong I was? Why didn’t they say that I probably shouldn’t be going on the race right now? Why weren’t they condemning me? (Thank you, Kelly and Marsha, for being incredible in that moment. Oh, how God used you.)
I told two strangers about the sin that I have struggled with and continue to struggle with. And you know what happened when I sat back and realized that I had just told my secret sin to two acquaintances? I felt relief. I felt no judgement. I felt God say, “Finally. Now, let’s get to dealing with it.” I felt FREEDOM.
I’ve dealt with a lot of self-loathing, shame, and fear of judgement because of the sin I face. God spoke so much truth to these things at training camp. I want to share some of the things I wrote in my journal during this time that helped me move forward after my confession.
“You cannot conquer what you cannot confront.”
“God cannot touch what you do not confess.”
“Things about yourself you want to change must first be acknowledged and accepted.”
I realized that I would never overcome my sin when I don’t face it head on. When I keep it tucked away and shut up inside, I have no way of fighting it. God calls us to confront our sin. Call it out. Acknowledge it. It is then that we can make a plan of action and begin to conquer it rather than allowing it to conquer us.
One night during worship, I found myself singing the lyrics above, “I am loved by you. It’s who I am.” I didn’t even realize that tears were streaming down my face. It’s been hard for me to accept that God sees what I have done, what a mockery I have made of the gifts He gives us, and still find me worthy of His love. I didn’t love myself after the things I’d done, so how could He? It was in that moment that I stopped singing and just listened to the lyrics. “I am loved by you. It’s who I am.” Loved by Christ is literally WHO I am. It’s what defines me. It’s what makes me who I am. My sin doesn’t define me. The fact that I am loved by Christ does. I am: Lauren, loved by Christ. Not: Lauren, the failure. Not: Lauren, the one who abused the gifts God has given. Not: Lauren, the filthy, dirty sinner. I am: Lauren, loved by Christ. Despite what I have done, or what I will do.
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Roman 8:37-39
Obviously, that wasn’t all God wanted to deal with in me that week. (Though it was plenty for me. We could have stopped there. Haha)
“But by this I overcome: nothing but the blood of Jesus.”
-Nothing But The Blood (just pick a version, there’s millions; I like the one by Andy Cherry)
Don’t you have that one sermon that you dread? For a lot of women, it’s the sermon about submitting to your husbands. For some, it’s the one about money and tithing. For me, it’s the one about forgiveness. I feel justified in my unforgiveness and I don’t want anyone trying to convince me I’m not. I have been wronged, and I have the right to harbor bitterness and anger and refuse to forgive. Right? I’m so serious about this, that I didn’t even pull out my journal and pen at the beginning of the sermon because I was just going to sit this one out. God laughed at that, and 5 minutes in, I was copying notes from my neighbor.
“We are unable to forgive in our flesh. It must come from knowing the grace and forgiveness of Christ.”
“We hold on to our heart’s unjustified entitlement. Though we have been forgiven, we still feel owed by those around us.”
“When we fail to forgive, we give empowerment to the message of that wound. Forgiveness breaks that power.”
It’s a humbling moment when God sets you straight on something that you feel you don’t need correcting on. He quickly pointed out to me that I have wronged Him in ways I could never make up for, yet He went to the cross. And He didn’t go against His will. He went gladly. For me. And He went just as gladly for those who have wronged me.
I quickly realized that I no longer had any “right” to harbor bitterness towards another. What I didn’t understand is that when He said “seventy times seven,” He wasn’t just spitting out a number. He meant it. And I’m all bent out of shape about one offense. I could spend the next five years trying to count the times I have offended my Father, and I would never finish counting. Because even during counting, I would find ways to fail. I am so thankful for forgiveness, and will strive to extend the same grace that was extended to undeserving me…I can overcome those hurts and I can overcome unforgiveness, because the blood of Jesus was shed for ME.
“And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.” Matthew 18:34-35
“But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.” 1 John 1:7
Lastly, Christ showed me how impossible it is to live a life in search of the approval of man…
“I’m no longer a slave to fear; I am a child of God. We’ve been liberated from our bondage. We’re the sons and the daughters, let us sing our freedom. You split the sea so I could walk right through it. All my fears were drowned in perfect love. You rescued me so I could stand and sing, ‘I am a child of God’.”
-No Longer Slaves by Bethel Music
There was a session in which we talked about our “false self”. How do we try to portray ourselves in order to not let others see who we really are. This was tough. We don’t ever want to admit that a way that we act or carry ourselves is actually not really us at all. It was difficult to dig deep and really ask yourself what your false self looks like and how you can work at showing who you really are and embracing it.
I wrote in my journal: “My false self NEEDS to be loved and appreciated. In doing things to gain that appreciation and love, I break my back trying to please others when there is only one who I need to be worried about pleasing. I get distracted seeking man’s approval and put God’s approval on the back burner when I don’t even have to work to receive His love.”
This was a hard pill to swallow. I really enjoy doing things for others. I became a nurse because of it! And obviously, there’s nothing wrong with having a servant’s heart. My problem lies in my reasoning behind my actions. I have to step back and ask myself am I serving because I want to share the love of Christ through my actions, or am I serving because I like how it feels when someone shows me appreciation? I think a lot of times when we realize these things about ourselves, it’s hard to confess them to others. “If I tell him/her that sometimes my motivation behind serving is the praise, then every time I serve him/her they’re going to question my motive.” Satan will use literally ANYTHING to deter us from facing our sin and seeking change. He can so easily convince us of 10 different reasons to keep things to ourselves and that’s how we remain “set in our ways” and unable to move forward.
I get so caught up in trying to earn the approval of those around me, that I forget who I am truly here to serve. I don’t need appreciation and love from those around me, because I have the love of a Savior! God sent His very own Son to die for me. I can’t think of one person on Earth that I serve who would do that for me. And that’s ok. Because the one who truly matters, did. And His approval is all I am seeking.
“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.” Colossians 3:23-24
The other segment in my journal about my false self reads: “I am so tired of being afraid. Fear is stealing my joy, my desire, and my opportunities. Please take the fear of the unknown, the fear of missing my family, the fear of replacement, and the fear of not being missed away from me.”
I work really hard at putting on a tough face and pretending like I’m fine. Whether or not I do a good job, I’m not sure. But I sure put a lot of effort into it. There have been so many times during this world race journey that I have been so overcome by fear that I want to back out. I am so afraid of the pain of missing my family. I am so scared of what it will feel like to know that my brothers are opening Christmas presents without me. Or that my family is all together for Thanksgiving and I’m in Asia. What if my best friend gets pregnant and I’m not home to throw the shower? What about the birthday parties of all of my babies I will miss? It’s seriously crippling. So much so that I have considered giving up this opportunity that I KNOW Christ has called me to because of the fear of the unknown.
I had all these thoughts in a session and then we broke up and were told we had free time for an hour or so. I decided I would have some quiet time with God. I opened my bible and began reading. No particular reading plan, just opened and started reading. God gave me this scripture.
“I sought the Lord and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4
Don’t you love those “God moments”? When He doesn’t make you search, He just throws it right in your face? I won’t lie and say I’m not scared. There’s a lot of unknown ahead of me in the next 11 months. But I will say that I know who is orchestrating the next 11 months, and He’s got every single moment figured out. I will miss my family and friends tremendously. And I know they will miss me. But I can’t let my fears hold me back from doing the work of Christ. I know that if I let my fears dictate my future, I would be missing out on one of the greatest blessings I will ever experience!! I am no longer a slave to fear! I am a child of God!
Training camp was HARD. I sweat a LOT. It was hotter than I thought was possible. It hurt…physically, emotionally, and spiritually. God broke me into a million pieces. But it was one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had. It was so worth it. I can’t wait to spend the next 11 months serving the most incredible Father I could ever ask for. And I am so thankful I get to do it with 47 of the most amazing people I’ve ever met! Let’s do this!
I know this was super long and if you have made it this far, thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts. I pray they made sense and that God uses the lessons He taught me during 10 of the hardest days I’ve had to touch your hearts. Thank you for your prayers and your support. I truly could not do this without them!! I am currently $4,000 away from being fully funded!! I am blown away by the obedience of my supporters and the way God is working this all out. I am more blessed than words could ever say.
Please continue to pray and share! I can’t do this without y’all!
