It’s no secret that my life on the race has been anything but peachy keen. I guess in a way that’s a good thing. I went into this thing with the expectation that life was going to immediately become easier simply because I was on this grand adventure. In hindsight, that was an impossible expectation, but at the time it made complete and total sense in my mind. My expectations, being as high and unrealistic as they were, ultimately set me up for a lot of hurt and brokenness that I obviously wasn’t ready for.
For that, I am grateful. Oddly enough.
I’ve experienced more sickness, loss, heartache in the past 7 months than I have in my entire life. I’ve seen families living in shacks, scavenging for their next meal. I’ve seen women forced into lives of prostitution to be able to provide for their parents, their siblings and their children. I’ve seen and felt things that I never could have anticipated living in my bubble of comfort.
These hurts have been in my own life, too. I was truly sick for the first time in my life, my best friend on the race went home early, my Grandfather passed away, and a week ago I learned that my Uncle John graduated to glory as well.
With the truth of hardships of this earth staring me in the face, it’s hard to grasp the “good” of a good, good Father.
I want to know the “why” behind things. I think that’s the way most people are. It’s in our nature to want to understand what’s happening in our lives and in the world. The reality of the situation though is that we can’t understand everything, because “our own understanding simply will not bear the full weight of reality. It was never intended to.” (John Bloom, desiringgod.org)
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
When life is good, and my struggles seem easy to bear, this verse is an easy read. It’s when I feel the weight of circumstance falling around me do I shift my focus, unwilling to do what this verse is asking of me: lay my own understanding down at the wayside, and rest my intellect upon the intellect of God.
Easier said than done.
But not impossible.
Sitting in my bunk bed this morning, I journaled for the first time in too long.
“I feel like I’m always waiting for my ‘aha’ moment. When I’m going to put all the things that I don’t quite have figured out into a pretty picture and walk away satisfied. The thing is, though, that day is never going to come. There will always be pieces of the puzzle missing, parts of the equation that don’t add up, because in order to understand that I follow BY FAITH, I can’t understand everything in this lifetime. If I did, there would be no need for Jesus. And I need Jesus.”
Coming to this realization this morning sort of felt like an ‘aha’ moment, but certainly not the one I was anticipating, as most things go in life. However, it is a comfort. I can’t understand everything, so what’s the use in trying? I spend so much time and energy putting together a puzzle that will never be complete because some of the pieces await me in eternity, where the fullness of understanding will be revealed to me. At that point, though, I’m not so sure it’ll matter anymore when I stand face-to-face with the Maker.
I may never understand why these families live on piles of trash, and these women have to sell their bodies every night, or why death seems to be a reoccurring obstacle for my family, but what I do know is that any and every thing that does happen, regardless of our understanding, is there to bring Him honor and glory in a way only He can bring it about. He’s still a good Father. He’s still sovereign over all. So, instead of fighting for answers I may never get, I’ll trust in my God who’s already put together the puzzle of eternity…
With no pieces missing.
***UPDATES!!
I was on a wifi fast for most of February aside from posting blogs, so I didn’t really get around to updating about life in ZA (South Africa).
For starters, I HAVE A NEW TEAM!!! After praying over what we wanted our last three months on the race to be about, we decided on our name: Relentless Pursuit. I don’t think I could have picked any other group of women who exemplifies that name more. They are kind and caring, passionate and driven. They desire to see Kingdom come to life on earth and wow I am blessed and grateful to seek after the Lord with them as we end our time on the race.
We live in Cape Town, South Africa and I am eleventy-billion percent in love with the people I’ve met and the places I’ve been here. We hike mountains one weekend and go to the beach the next. It’s the best. We live with our hosts, Ma and Pa, who have been more than abundantly gracious to us as we’ve invaded their home for the past month, and will continue to for the next two months. They love on us as if we were their own children. We live in a very strong Muslim community, so Pa has graciously been teaching us a little each week about the Muslim culture and how best to minister to them in a way that’s efficient and effective.
Yall, they’re seriously the best.
I decided going into South Africa that I wanted to challenge myself in new and exciting ways that I’ve never done before, sooo…. I’m a vegetarian! No, I don’t hate myself. Yes, I still enjoy what I eat. And oddly enough, no I don’t miss meat. I’m sure I’ll have some chickfila when I come home, but for the time being, no animals are being harmed in the making of my meals.
As for ministry (the best part of the update!!), we work in an elementary school about a mile up the road from us Monday-Wednesday, helping out the teachers and loving on the kids. I’m not getting a degree in education or anything, but seeing the look on the kid’s faces when they finally understand something I explained to them is priceless! It makes the 6AM wake up call so worth it. The rest of the week, Thursday and Friday, we travel into town to a place called Waterfront, where we do street evangelism. Again, I wanted to really stretch myself the last 3 months of the race, so I’ve been practicing a lot of intercession with my TL, Mady while the rest of my team goes and talks to people they encounter. It’s so incredibly special to pray over my girls and the lives that they touch. However, I have gotten in on the action myself and have met some pretty incredible people. One in particular is named Jenny. She sells pearls, is a mother of beautiful son, and is a Buddhist. Currently, I’m wanting to form a solid friendship with her and show her the love of Jesus, hopefully being able to share the gospel with her soon!
On Saturdays, you can usually find us at the Farmer’s Market, the beach, or hiking some crazy high mountain. It’s a blast. I kind of never want to leave. Sundays are church-filled! The local church in the morning and Hillsong in the evening, where we often meet up with other teams and catch up on life while praising Jesus.
In other news, in case you haven’t already heard or seen, I officially decided on attending Colorado Christian University in Denver, Colorado and hopefully double majoring in English and Theology. The goal is to graduate in 3 years time so that I can still be in the class of 2020. Fingers crossed and prayers appreciated for that one. It’ll be a busy 3 years, but I am oh so ready and excited for this next adventure! Oh, and one minor detail: one of my best friends on the race, Anna will be my roommate!!! It’s crazy how God orchestrated for both of us to wind up there, but I am so thankful that we get to continue doing life together even after this race is over.
Lastly, we got our flight itinerary to go home two days ago!! I will be headed back to my beautiful Texas on May 3rd. I am so ready to see people, eat all the food, and hopefully find a job to refill my piggy bank (if you’re hiring, let me know!!!).
I believe that’s all. This journey will be coming to a close before I know it, and as I’ve stated before, I could not have made it even an inch of the way here without prayers and support from people who have loved me so well. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
***Prayer requests
- Finish out the race strong, with endurance and determination!
- Two of our teams in Jeffery’s Bay are currently staying in a hostel due to safety issues they’ve encountered in the area. Pray they are sensitive to the Spirit and follow wherever He would lead them.
- My family, who’s now having to deal with not one but two passings in our family. We rejoice that Grandfather and Uncle John are with Jesus, but our hearts are saddened as we grieve them on this side of eternity.
- The kids we teach at the schools. We can’t outright tell them about Jesus given the setting, but pray we would exemplify His love towards them in the best way we can. Also, pray for patience in this area. Teaching is hard.
- Pray for our outreaches at Waterfront! Relationships are being built and so is Kingdom. Pray it continues and that we would be a light for His glory!
Thanks, yall! Sending all my love from ZA!
