Have you ever had your faith rocked? Like someone ripped the very foundation you base your life on right from under your feet? I have. There is no ground beneath you, you stand on nothing. You no longer have anything to fall back on, and there's nothing to reach out to in front. You.
Are.
Falling.
I felt this way for five days. In the midst of loosing my faith, I was determined to find it again. Five days may seem fast to lose your faith and pick it back up again, but it didn't seem fast to me at all. However, here I am exactly 1 month to date, ready to write about the power of faith.
Last month, September 17th, it was brought to our attention that two of our team members were no longer believers of Jesus Christ. Having spent the last 9 months in intense circumstances, we had shared some of our most vulnerable moments together as a team. To say the least, I was shaken to see them fall from the faith we held so dearly.
Being born into a Christian family, I grew up knowing the Christian faith. In other words, I don't remember one instance in my lifetime that I didn't have faith in Jesus. It was always there. I always thought this faith was my own, until it was gone. Like a breath of air, blown through my fingers. I tried chasing it, but it was gone just like that; 24 years of faith out
the
window.
Why did their conversion to Judaism shake me up so much? I have many friends who don't follow Christ, but my faith was always secure. Having known my teammate's testimony's and the in's and out's of their faith, I started to question what I had relied on my whole life. It was time to claim my faith as my own.
I dove into research. I searched the internet and found arguments supporting both Judaism and Christianity. The information was there; It's always been there. Depending on how you want to see it, you can find your answer. I thought to myself, “people have been trying to solve this mystery for over 1000 years. Scholars have studied this very topic their entire lives; Who am I to think I'm going to figure it all out with a simple Google search?” The answer is this:
I can't.
Within the five days following our teammates leaving the race, I went from being a Christian, to Jew, to Agnostic, and back to complete Jesus freak. I was Christian because I was brought up that way, but being over whelmed with intellectual contradictions, I fell into Judaism. I became entirely angry with God. “If God 'loves his people' how could he allow them to be entirely fooled by this 'Jesus', a deceiving false prophet, for 2000 years? He doesn't love me at all.” Agnostic.
By day three, I had given up on research. I resorted to prayer. If God is real, and it's true that “if we seek truth, we will find it” than I believed that God would answer me. I yelled at him. I demanded answers. He didn't speak to me, but I had three experiences lead me back to my faith.
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At the beginning of our month in Malaysia, my alumni squad leader, Kristen Pfund, said a prayer over me during worship. As she prayed for me, I couldn't stop myself from wondering off; I couldn't focus on the words she was saying. Almost daydreaming, I imagined pink tulips. Not thinking anything of it other than “Lauren! Stop being so ADD and listen to her praying for you!” Shortly after Kristen finished praying, she turned back to me and said, “I don't know if this means anything to you, but I kept seeing pink tulips?” I didn't know what pink tulips meant, but I was encouraged that the Holy spirit's presence was confirmed by the fact that we both saw the flowers.
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When the boys started taking time off from ministry to celebrate the festivals held by Jews in the old testament, I was greatly troubled. Because this was before I knew that they had converted to Judaism, I didn't know why it was bothering me. As the month went on, I became more and more bothered. I tried to figure out why I was so upset, but I the only thing I could come to was that I just thought it was wrong…it got to the point where I couldn't be in the boy's presence without getting sick to my stomach. I then became annoyed, because I was just tired of feeling sick. I talked to my family, and other teammates about it, but even in their consoling, the feeling wouldn't settle.
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I had set a goal at the beginning of the race to finish the Bible. Clawing for answers after the boys left, I dove head first into the internet for research. I began reading testimonies of Jews who had converted to Christianity in order to get a different perspective. A passage that continued to be referred to in testimonies was Isaiah 53. This chapter is believed by many to be a prophetic description of the coming messiah. Interested, I opened my Bible to read it for myself. Flipping through the pages, I stopped where I had left my bookmark last to see it was ironically in the middle of Isaiah. Through internet research or not, Isaiah 53 was exactly what I was to read next.
I can't prove intellectually what is true, but I do have my experiences. I have been following Christ my whole life. To throw out what I know to be true for a two-sided theological argument I can't prove to be true or false would be illogical. Experiences can't prove anything to anyone outside the experience, but they can't be proven false either.
After five days, I decided that I had to make a choice. I chose to put faith is Jesus Christ as my Savior, and on him I will stand. I can't deny the vision of the tulips, which I believe was given by the Holy Spirit due to my faith in Jesus Christ. I can't deny discernment I had when two of best my friends turned away from their savior. Lastly, I choose to believe that in my search for the truth, the Lord lead me to the truth through his word. Whether it was through Isaiah 53 that instant, or through the many other prophesies throughout the Old Testament at another time, I believe I would've been pointed to the answers.
How is it that some people are able to base their entire life's purpose on the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and others choose to not have anything to do with it? As it was a mystery 1000 years ago, it is still the greatest mystery today. Why is it that the death and resurrection of Jesus is either the cornerstone of life to some people, but to others He is a stone in which they stumble on. As it prophesies in Isaiah and is written in 1 Peter:
"See, I lay a chosen and precious cornerstone, and whomever trusts in him will never be put to shame (Isaiah 28:16)…but to those who do not believe, [He is] a stone that causes them to stumble, and a rock that makes them fall (Isaiah 8:14)." 1 Peter 2:6-8
Feel the wind; do you believe in things you cannot see? Are you brave enough to hope for what you may not understand?
"…Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do see…" Hebrews 11:1
Can you make sense of the works of God, the creator of the universe??
"…by faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command…" Hebrews 1:3
Why is it so hard to have faith even when we desperately want to believe? We are hungry for spiritual certainty, but there's something that hinders us from experiencing it. Why do we let our doubts keep us from acknowledging truth? Our hearts want to soar to God, but our intellects keep us securely tied down.
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists. He rewards those who earnestly seek him." Hebrews 11:6
Is it possible to comprehend the precise function of the planet; the perfectly fitting puzzle pieces foretold by the prophesies written throughout the Bible? Can you choose to have childlike faith in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ?
"Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it at all." Mark 10:15
